The one thing every new dominant should know

Disclaimer

I don't like "should"s, or "every"s, or anything that seems to be a blanket prescription toward certain behaviors that might only apply to a small percentage of the population, possibly even just a sample size of one. So when I pull out the "should"s and the "every"s, chances are it's something I feel is incredibly important. This advice is geared toward those new dominants in long-term relationships and not necessarily those who are playing with a different person each time. It can also apply quite well to all dominants, but I wanted to limit the scope of my disclaimer because quite a few already do know what I'm about to share.

What you don't know

Contrary to popular opinion, what you don't know can hurt you and will probably hurt those people in intimate relationships with you. A BDSM situation, especially for those submissives exploring and finding their way for the first time, can be incredibly freeing. A submissive may find himself or herself with incredibly strong drives, with increased needs for intimacy - sex and kink, yes, but also just holding or touching or talking about feelings.

If you're not prepared for an increase in libido and other intimate needs, it could lead to some very bad places. 

This isn't a "you are in fact controlled by your submissive" sort of thing. It's merely a fact. Dom doesn't equal asshole unless that's your kink, and if so that's between you and your sub.

The backlash

An offhanded comment can reduce a submissive to tears so quickly that you mightn't even realize what's happened. In a dedicated long-term relationship that also happens to include lots of kink, if you want the bonuses that go with being dom, master/mistress, or owner, you need to be aware of what you have to be beyond just the kinky badass who takes what she wants.

For example: if a submissive mentions having fun and or sexytimes with you and your response is a lighthearted "That's your solution to everything!" it may not strike a nerve three times out of four, but especially if you say it often enough, when it does strike a nerve it will be a very exposed, very raw nerve.

The resulting emotional collapse from having this nerve struck may be something you witness, or it may not. Your submissive will try very hard to appear unfazed in front of you, but chances are she will feel like an annoyance: the guest who has overstayed her welcome, the sub who got just ever so slightly too needy. A sense of panic will start to set in. She will try to think what she can do to repair the damage, to be less annoying, and she won't see a way out of it because this is who she is now. 

Eventually the dam will burst. It's a horrible straitjacket for a submissive - her own internal needs and desires and fulfillment on the one hand, the need to please her dominant on the other, and the two things seemingly in direct conflict. If what she is can only annoy her dom, what is she to do?

What you need to be

I'm going to make a not-so-giant leap here and say that actually you should be this regardless if you're inclined toward kink or not-so-much. 

You have to be your submissive's safe place. If he can't express who he really is with you, then every kinky action you may take is for absolute naught. If he feels you are belittling his feelings and the things he needs from you to feel emotionally fulfilled, then he will start to withdraw - what else can a sub do when what he needs seemingly draws such disdain from the person he has devoted himself to pleasing? 

This might require some self-correction on your part, some examination of what it is you say, and as always in every kind of relationship that's meant to go anywhere, clear and near-constant communication.

Maybe you've told your sub frequently how amazing he is, how much he pleases you, but you have to keep doing that. As submissive people we thrive on pleasing our dominant halves, much like a dog loves to please its owner. But unlike dogs, we can make inferences and draw conclusions, even if they aren't anywhere near being correct. 

The hounds of self-doubt always dog our heels, and we need confirmation that we aren't overwhelming, that we are pleasing, and that what we are is what you want.

An awful lot of work for a dominant who's meant to get/do whatever she wants. 

You've got the world's all time best self-caring pet/plaything, but you still have to do some work. A submissive who feels himself/herself pleasing is a submissive who will do anything you ask, so I'm almost certain that the work is worth it. Ultimately, that's your decision to make. 

Please dominate responsibly.

3 easy ways to submit without sex

Sometimes it's hard to keep ourselves in the head space that a power exchange relationship requires. Life gets in the way, kids get sick, events come at us hard and fast, family visits. Some days it can take all your energy merely not to explode into a giant ball of stress - forget trying to maintain any sort of power imbalance.

If you're like me, that loss of physical connection and intense scenes can really mess with your head. Withdrawal is easy and depression can follow it and then where are you? Nowhere good, that's where.

Thankfully there are a few ways we can submit from within to keep sustenance flowing to that intimate connection so that it doesn't go numb. Some of them are surprisingly, head-thumpingly simple. They just require a little consideration of the relationship as a whole and the direction you'd like to head in.

1. When the D-type talks, the s-type should listen.
   I hear you. "Duh?" you say,"Of course I listen when my Dom talks." But do you? If you're exhausted and just thinking about how amazing sleep would be, or if your D-type has awakened a little before you and wants to chat while you'd just like to grab a few more minutes of shut-eye, do you listen?
   
   There are a myriad of reasons that we don't really, really listen when people talk, but when we've willingly entered into a power exchange dynamic we should eschew those reasons when it comes to our partners. But you have to mean it. Stopping what you're doing with a groan of disappointment to listen dutifully is not going to work. You have to listen willingly and openly and respond thoughtfully. That right there is the biggest connection builder I can think of, even beyond intense scenes.
   
   When it's me, I think of it as another way to express my devotion. He wants to discuss ideas and I want to be open to him not just sexually, but in all the ways I can be.
   
   
2. Even when there is no time or energy for sex or scenes, touch your Dom.
   
   Snuggle up to her on the sofa. Sit at his feet and rest your head on his knees. Show the D-type that you are really in this, and even though your alone time might be taking a hit, you're still very very interested.
   
   I tend to start to feel undesirable after a certain amount of time passes with no sex, but I think I assist myself in that notion by withdrawing from any contact.  Something goes on in my head similar to "If he doesn't want me, I'll just keep myself out of his way."
   
   Ultimately that has always proven a ridiculous construct and I don't know why that feeling keeps returning, but it does. I combat it by continuing to be affectionate, brushing my hand against his whenever possible, and dropping kisses on his head if I pass him when he is sitting.
   
   It's more submissive to keep allowing the touches than it is to withdraw, though my intuition tells me otherwise for some damn reason.
   
3. Do things for your D-type.
   
   Is his family visiting? Plan fun activities for you all to enjoy together. Make them feel welcome and he will feel loved.
   
   Has she been working too hard? Make sure she comes home to a meal of some sort and a sympathetic ear.
   
   Take care of little things that might go unnoticed - plug in his phone, make sure she has her lunch, tidy up something that often goes untidied.
   
   Any one of these things may sound completely obvious, but when you do them from a place of considering your D-type's needs and desires each one can become an act of submission.

The dry spell will end and eventually you will have time for all the kinky naughtiness you are used to. If you don't keep the connection flowing in the mean time though, some of your potential kinky naughtiness time can get used up in restoring blood to the pins-and-needles discomfort. I highly recommend you just avoid that part and skip right ahead to the naughty times.

Talking dirty: His POV

GUEST POST by my HUSBAND!

So here’s my long awaited guest post about talking dirty. I apologize in advance for the lack of actual good examples of phrases and words and the whole thing sounds more technical than sexy, but I’m shy and Conina’s blog really has more than enough examples if that’s what you’re interested in.

As Conina has mentioned, I certainly didn’t start out being comfortable talking during sex. I won’t go into the details of my naivete when it comes to kink in our early years together, but suffice it to say I was quite the noob and Conina opened my eyes to quite the new world.

I learned early on that talking was good. It felt a bit awkward at the very beginning, but I got over that pretty quickly. What I discovered was that talking really sets the atmosphere, sets up a scenario even when there’s not much role play going on. It keeps us both in the very headspace we want to be in.

Now, when it comes to talking dirty, I guess I started slow, using the occasional word here and there that I hadn’t before. I called her names, mostly, in the beginning. I used words that I wouldn’t use before that I could tell were affecting her the way I wanted to. Thankfully Conina will often respond with a moan or a groan when I press the right buttons with my words, and I use that as a gauge to make sure I don’t overdo it.

Over our years together I have been expanding my sex talk vocabulary, and it’s only through experience (we love to “practice”) that I’ve become better at improving my timing and have learned that my words are most effective when they’re particularly aimed at making her feel owned, dominated, subservient... I suspect you get the idea.

To me it works both because I get the right kind of feedback in response, which tells me that what I’m doing is working, and because it becomes part of the action, enforcing my role and my behavior towards her. Without any immediate response to me I would certainly be more hesitant to say anything.

As usual moderation is important. After a while it becomes too easy to try the same thing over and over, and when you’re too focused on your actions your words can get a little out of hand (and vice-versa of course). So it may be best to err on the side of saying too little at first.

Timing is equally important. Follow phrases up with actions, or do them simultaneously. Words must match behavior, certainly don’t just say things for the sake of it. Let them come naturally, which isn’t actually that hard considering you’re unlikely to find a more appropriate time to be using phrases like this.

So in summary, dominants should be aware of how effective saying the right kind of things can be, and the importance of using words to further make your sub feel submissive.

Submissives should understand that response is key, without any feedback it’s hard for the dominant to tell what works for you and what doesn’t. Communication afterwards is of course important too, and I highly encourage it to further improve your experience.

If you have any questions for me, feel free to leave them in the comments. I'll answer what I can.

---

I'd like to thank my lovely, lovely husband for agreeing to write this for us. He's awesome, shy though he may be. - Conina

Opening doors

You don't find a lot of introspection here at Exploring Surrender, which is odd since the title seems to imply that you will. To be honest, self-examination of that kind makes me feel intensely vulnerable, especially since my husband reads here and honest-to-goodness introspection often makes me feel like I've just opened up my head and let all the less attractive parts of me hang out right in front of him. 

Kitty recently wrote a post that set me thinking. When she begins the interlude, she is steely, resistant to her husband's advances, even though they had planned to be there together at that time.

As much as I want to submit to my husband and crave pleasing him, I do this too. I'll sometimes have a steely attitude that will often wind up discouraging him, and nothing happens even though I'd really, really prefer that it did, and then I get sad. At that point, he's in an impossible situation.

I've turned this over in my head for years, but it wasn't until I started responding to Kitty's post that I began to see what goes on in my head.

It's probably fair to say that many submissives who bring the concept to their husbands wind up second-guessing themselves, wondering if he's really into it, or if he's just doing it to humor them.

Our relationship is amazing, honestly, it is, and I know it. But the second-guessing just does not go away. I don't have a nice little window into his head like he does into mine. He becomes more confident by the day, as I write about my feelings and how I experience our experiences. But I don't.

While I always want to be there with him, I sometimes may act as if I don't - because I feel he may not want to be there, and I am trying to open a door to make it easier for him to get out.

He may say a million positive things about our dynamic, but as soon as he says something that can be construed as less-than-complimentary, my heart sinks. I can go from laughing, happy, delighted, to deeply saddened, the spark of joy within me stilled along with my breath, my inner laughter quieted. It actually feels as though a silencer has been applied to the happiness within me, a huge wet blanket of misery blacking out the memory of hundreds of joyous experiences.

There's a large part of this that's tied up with trust - trusting him to do what is best for both of us, trusting that the things he says to me are true, and trusting that he is getting more joy out of the things we do together than he is putting effort into them.

Why is it that I can trust him to hurt me, talk dirty to me, invade every part of my being, but I cannot trust that he is where he wants to be?

It's because I know how much he loves me and wants my happiness.

I need to stop trying to open doors. If I was visiting someone's home and they kept holding the door open saying "Are you sure you want to be here?" I'd eventually feel unwelcome and leave, no matter how much I'd initially wanted to be there.

I'm just not sure how to stop. Maybe if I have to open doors, I should open doors to inner chambers rather than the exit ones, and strive to banish steely-me from our bedroom.


I haven't done a lot of this since I had my lightbulb moment on symbiotic relationships and angst having no place within them. Our "us" is so very close to perfection that it feels like blasphemy to even give this so much airspace. But when it does happen I can feel his frustration as surely as I feel my own inner self go quiet and still. Surrendering to the truth of things he says is every bit as important as surrendering to his will. I adore him, and want him to feel his words are taken for truth, that I don't think he is a liar.

I wouldn't even grant this so much time, but I thought someone else out there may be struggling with the same thing.

Answering questions no one has asked me, volume 1

No hot sex tonight, but some of my recent searches have caught my eye and/or downright concerned me. So here I shall highlight some recent search terms and answer them to the best of my ability.

conmdition your sub to love sucking cock: Before you can expect anyone to want to suck your cock, you should probably gain that person's respect first. The phrasing of this search and the glaring typo in it just set my teeth on edge. Okay, I love blow jobs, but not everyone does or can. Especially if it's approached from this mind-control sort of angle. A great band once sang - "Love and understanding are the best answers I've heard yet."

You might want to start there. 

got out the vacuum cleaner and sucked my husband's dick: I could really go so many ways with this. Unless you and your husband get off on trying to actually vacuum the floor while you are sucking his cock, this is a bad, bad idea. I once read of a man who sucked all the skin off his penis with a vacuum (and apparently other stuff happens, too). So. No, okay?

On the other hand, vacuuming the floor while you have your cock sucked could be a handy skillset. No need to let the household chores go undone, am I right?

how to tell my husband i'm submissive: This isn't funny at all. There are so many ways it can go. But if you have a good, solid foundation in your relationship, find a way to tell him. This awesome story has something like how I often talk to my husband about difficult things, with my face buried against his chest and those long, long pauses while I gather my words.

The desire to submit is a deep one, and it's hard to feel fulfilled if it isn't met, or if you don't at least try. But approach cautiously - you've had time to think about it. He hasn't.

Breast spanking and cock sucking

If you arrived here because you were expecting a steamy tale of blow jobs and breast spanking, sorry. I don't usually label my sex posts so blatantly. Perhaps I should.

You probably want to go read this instead: Exactly what I needed
Or this: Such a chore

Or this: I love Wednesday
Or even this: Every single day is awesome

If, on the other hand, you'd like some more insight, you might want to stick around and finish reading this one.

I was going over my search terms for the last week or so, and the overwhelming majority of repeated searches are to do with blow jobs and breast slapping. Mostly blow jobs, but the breast spanking appeared often enough I thought I'd include it.

Here's a nice sample of 58 of the most recent searches. I only removed 20 or so other searches from the list of ALL my searches:

my husband insists on a blowjob every day
love stroking cock
i love to suck my husbands cock for hours
what if my blow job
master had me give blow jobs to his friends
i love my husband cock suck
my husband+breast spanking
my husbands cock
sucking my husbands cock
i hate to suck my husband's penis
i love sucking my husband's
why i dont like to suck my husband dick
i hate sucking my husband dick
my sub doesnt like sucking cock
i like my husband licking
i like to suck my husbands cock
breast spank asking for
i love sucking cock in front of my husband. is it normal?
why i suck my husband's cock
love sucking husbands dick
exploring the cock
suck my husband cock
how to suck my husbands
i love sucking my cock
my husband slapped my breast+spanked
surrender to cock blogspot
i love sucking cock
why i like sucking dick
i love sucking my husband
husband cock
blowjobs are a chore i hate them
i love sucking my man's dick
spanked my breast
i like 2 suck my husbands penis
horny ladies give glow jobs
suck my cock lover man
i love sucking my husbands cock
quiet submissive blowjob
blowjobs are awesome
love sucking cock
i always enjoy your blowjobs
why i love sucking cock
d/s cock sucking
how about sucking my cock
i love sucking my man's cock
i suck my husband dick sex
making love licking cock
many women like suck cock and taked in
nipple pinching and slapping
older women love sucking cock
poems suck my cock love
suck my cock like you love it
suck tyou hasband cock
sucking cock husbund
two girls tied up and sucking one dick
why i love my husbands penis
why wives dislike sucking husband's penis?
woman loves sucking cock it sends her to sleep

So now I'm the blow job giving submissive girl who loves to have her breasts spanked, I guess. I think I'm okay with it. I know I'm okay with it in life, but the whole public persona thing is a bit daunting. Fitting into a happy mold has never really been my strong point. 

The large amount of searches I get that seem to be people wondering why sucking cock doesn't do it for themselves or their partner make me sad. The search "blowjobs are a chore i hate them," vies for the sad-making crown with the plaintive tone of "why wives dislike sucking husband's penis?"

Women are all different creatures, but I can come up with some pretty good answers.

Why doesn't she like sucking cock?

There are so many reasons a woman can go sour on giving blow jobs, even if she was initially enthusiastic about the concept. 

1. It's not clean.
   Dude. Take a shower. Do you really think the idea of your sweaty smelly crotch up in her face is going to turn her on? Some woman may like your specific aroma, but generally, just take a shower. It can take as little as five minutes, and the return will be worth it.
   
   
2. He's too rough
   So you read about face fucking somewhere? Maybe even here, on my blog, where my husband grabs my head and yanks it up and down on his cock, and I love it. You like the idea of doing that too, so why not try it? But here's the thing: my husband does that because I want him to. He does it because it makes me hot. Sure, it feels great to him too, but if I didn't want to experience it he would not do it. We've been together for over a decade. We've developed our kinks over a lot of time. But most women are not going to love the sensation of having their heads used as masturbation aids. It might just piss them off.
   
   
3. It's uncomfortable
   The most important part of a blow job is a willing and happy mouth. Find a position where she can fully explore and not have some part of her body aching or falling asleep. Do not get the idea of one particular position stuck in your head. Talk to her about what feels best to her. There's also the issue of aching jaws, which can be worked out over time. Just let her stop when she needs to, no whining. My jaw used to ache after several minutes, but now I can go on for long periods of time.
   
   
4. He complains or isn't appreciative
   You have a woman willing to put your cock in her mouth to give you pleasure. Do not be an asshole and tell her she's doing it wrong unless she is doing something to hurt you. Do be appreciative, tell her what feels great, and lavish her with praise and affection while she is doing it and after.
   
   
5. He wants a blowjob and then falls asleep/leaves/goes to play video games/out with friends
   Can you say "unfulfilling?" Especially if this happens regularly. You're creating a response wherein giving a blowjob means the end of her pleasure. Do you really want this? I don't think you do. She is going to feel used, and not in a good way. She will come to resent the concept of putting her mouth anywhere near your cock. Variety is the spice of life! You can do things to her while she pleasures you with her mouth, or you can stop her and pleasure her in other ways, thanking her for the wonderful way she's made you feel.
   
   
6. He doesn't give any feedback
   She gets up her nerve to try to please you like this after much encouragement on your part, and... nothing. You don't thank her or tell her she is awesome or stroke her hair lovingly or tell her she's the most wonderful thing ever to walk the earth. . . there's no intimacy generated by this act. It's just another way for you to get off without doing too much work. While receiving a blow job is generally viewed as a passive act, if you want to repeat it then you want her to enjoy it, so you make it good for her too.

I'm sure I could come up with several more, but I'll leave it to my readers. Any volunteers?

---

Updated to include this new one: "is it safe to suck hubby cock?"

Mostly, the answer to that is yes, provided no transmittable infections in either of you. If you have a visible cold sore, then, no, don't.

Multiple orgasms: the extra lives of sex

I've previously discussed how I enjoyed Star Trek and the X-men and various other geeky forms of entertainment, so it shouldn't be a surprise when I reveal that I spent a lot of my childhood and youth playing video games. A large chunk of the time I spent playing games, I spent playing Super Mario Bros. 3 on the NES.

You mean you don't think of orgasms when you see this? Huh.

The game was huge. It took hours and hours and hours to play it all the way through, although you could warp to the end and be done fairly quickly, I didn't figure there was a lot of value in that.  Since the game didn't have a feature to save, I wound up replaying the first levels a lot to get to the later ones, though sometimes I would warp, it wasn't often.

I became an expert at this game. Every secret, I knew. Every invisible block, every vine, every warp zone, every chance to gather 99 lives, every place to slide behind the scenery, every matching game pattern, and every place where it was a good idea to use a special item. I knew this game, inside and out, backward and forward. I played it so much that it is burned into my brain. Even now, twenty years later, I can play it and do things just like I did then, even though occasionally I'm not sure why I'm doing it. Physical memory is a bizarre thing.

The first opportunity you have in this game to collect 99 lives is in the second level, right at the beginning, so I did it there every single time I played, even if it was a quick run-through just for fast laughs. Later, when my husband would play the game in 2005 or so, I would always get those lives for him. He's not as good at games as I am, so he needed the help.

The process could be kind of frustrating, as you had to have a raccoon suit, and you had to wave Mario's raccoon tail around in the air while you landed on endless Goombas as they popped out of a pipe, using the boost jumping on them gave you to stay in the air so that you didn't ever touch the ground.

Here's a video of it that explains more than I can in words. Your points for jumping on each one doubles until you get to 8000, and every Goomba you stomp after that without touching the ground is an extra life.

It occurred to me after my post yesterday that my own multiple orgasms are like that. The tension slowly gathers as we approach the first one, and as long as his timing is perfect and he lands exactly right, he can keep pumping them out of me.

Like this! (read 'orgasm' for 1UP) Yeah, now we're talking.

Of course, the timing has to be absolutely perfect. Even I would occasionally go a little too fast in the game, and run out of Goombas to stomp before I hit the ground. So frustrating, because to get more lives, I'd have to start all over again, back from 100. Seven Goombas before I was back in The Zone, and my timer was ticking the whole time.

If it goes too long before the next orgasm, he may not be starting completely over, but it's pretty close. Once I've fallen off that delicate knife-edge of arousal, he has to get me there again in order to coax more orgasms out of me. 

And in both situations, your thumb gets really really tired.

The extra-life zone is an amazing place to be, as you watch your life-counter just go up and up and up. It may be frustrating when you fall off, but it's so worth it to get back up there again. The quality and pleasure of your entire game rests on those lives, really, whether you panic at losing everything or whether it's just all good fun, later.

He must feel like that as he watches me writhe and scream and pant, as his orgasm counter just goes up and up... and breaks, because I can't count orgasms after so many. The quality of the rest of his life, while not dependent on those orgasms, is probably greatly enhanced by them.

I know mine is.

Don't screw society, that's what it wants: the socialization of sexuality

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