Thursday, September 29, 2011

Talking dirty

maui girl mentioned in a comment that my husband talks a lot during sex.

Oh yes, he does. It is fantastic. My brain latches right onto his words and they are so hot they burn into my brain and I remember them until the next time.. hence my ability to repeat them in writing verbatim.

It wasn't always like that though. Once upon a time we had hot sex, but all the talking was in my head. I'm a  woman with a lot of varied interests, and if there's no dialogue to keep me focused on what is going on right at that moment, no matter how steamy it is, my mind will drift. To programming problems, to a new recipe I want to try, to the price of copper and how much it'll cost to rewire a house, to what happened in the last episode of some intriguing show we watch, to some assignment that was due... so I would craft a dialogue in my head to anchor me in the present. I often told him this. Sometimes he would actually talk and it would clash with what was going on in my head, and that was disorienting for me and not terribly encouraging for him.

But clearly, what I wanted was him to talk more. His voice was the most important first turn-on I got from our relationship. We met online, not at any kind of hookup or dating site, just an entertainment themed chat. Back in the day that was a bit odd and we were just friends for years first, but it worked for us. Webcams weren't nearly so prevalent, nor were cell phones. We had neither. We did have crappy digital cameras to send occasional photos to each other. In between physical visits we had a lot of IM sex, and an occasional phone call. He was shy on the phone. Still is, actually.

I knew from the IM sex that there were words in that head of his, and I wanted them in our real relationship too. Once in a while he would rise to the occasion and those were the best times - but mostly he was still reticent and kept the glorious words from me. "I'm shy," he'd say. "I don't want to say the  wrong thing," he'd say. Of course, in an instant message he had time to craft his responses to perfectly tickle my fancies. Naturally that was a bit easier for him. I remember the last IM chat we had before he got on a plane for the last time to come and marry me, I talked about how I would miss those chat sessions. Not enough to keep him away, no, because that was torture all by itself. I knew, though, that building in reality what we had built in fantasy would be hard.

It was. I shan't recount our first night together after being married.

Eventually he (or I suppose, we, as I didn't know it either) discovered that a nice quick way to turn me on was to whisper to me directly into my ear. I started actually placing my ear as close to his mouth as I could get it during sex, and he would oblige me by whispering naughty things to send chills down my spine.

The clashes with what he would say and what was going on in my head didn't work for either of us. For me to truly submit to him, he has to talk to me. That's the only way to bind my mind. He asked me for a list of the types of things I'd like to hear; he also wanted to make sure he avoided any words that would directly turn me off, so he'd be free to venture from my list of likes so long as he didn't venture onto the list of definite dislikes. He started pretty slowly, with things like "You like that, huh?" and slowly graduated into the sex talk GOD he is today. Each time he would speak and bring me more into him and turn me on more, generating an actual physical response from me, it just urged him further. He has become more and more comfortable with it, and he enjoys it now probably as much as I do.

His literal response to maui girl's comment - "She should tell her husband she'd like him to talk more." Which is basically what happened with us... but it wasn't as easy as he makes it sound.

As a sidenote: Another morning!


  1. I love to tell my lizard things and also make her talk back and tell me what I want to hear. I hope she doesn't think about recipes or fiances or stuff like that during sex! I don't think so, it feels like we melt together. I will ask her though!

  2. 'her Master's voice', huh, lady? i absolutely adore the deep rasping throaty growl the Man gets in His voice during sex, or play...i wonder why it's so different from the ordinary speaking voice?

    blink. crickets.

    that was rather a stupid question, wasn't it....i think i'll retreat to my cupboard now.

    ps. another morning? fabulous! i wonder how many mornings in a row you can get....

  3. Forgot to mention another thing I do that she likes. Pepper's comment reminded me. When she is blindfolded sometimes I like to grunt or make sounds that are not characteristic for me, sort of a rape/stranger fantasy, so it sounds like someone else. Though she wouldn't admit it, i know this turns her on. She is shy to talk about her fantasies though, or even write about them.

  4. Tom - I've noticed that from your posts! It's good stuff. My husband also likes to make me respond and ask for things out loud. My mind certainly doesn't drift anymore. It's not that I was bored before, or thinking of those things in any deliberate, in-depth way - just lacking that knife-edge of focus. So many things happen in a day, it was hard for me to crowd them all out.

    pepper - Mmm, nice description.
    I'm excited to find out. ;)

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  6. maui girl

    1. All of that wouldn't have fit into a comment. ;) You're welcome.

    2. Everything is definitely a process with us. Talking to people in general hasn't ever come easily for him - it's easier with me, but the sex talk was a big hump.

    3. I hope you get a few shivery tingles from your request, at least.

    4. He doesn't read the blog. He's nervous about doing so. I do share general content concepts and comments directly related to him, and talking about the blog in general terms is something he likes to do a lot, in bed, at night.. I've told him if he ever really wants to read it, he can.

  7. Oh, thank you so much for leaving me a link to this post! This describes me to a T! I sometimes do the internal dialogue as well to try to keep me in the moment...or I am drifting off. My husband has improved through the years. He used to be practically silent. Compared to what he was, I shouldn't be complaining...I just know if he wants to push the limits of what we have done, I am going to need more. Thanks again...great post.

  8. marriedwithsex: I'm glad it was helpful! :)


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