Tipping point

A warning: this is long.

I've spent the last few days in a quandary. We've talked a lot, had wonderful conversations, he's been generally fantastic, and we've had lots of different kinds of amazing sex. But still, some things he's said had left niggling doubts in my mind, even if he'd never intended them to. I've written several posts and not posted them, about the nature of D/s, about my lack of willingness to continue on like this, and about the things we've done. I could never get up the nerve to share. I'm going to share this one.

I took the loudest toys - the floggers, the belt, the paddle. I put them away. It wasn't a random act, but the result of several of the conversations we'd had, none of which led directly to this place, but I was beginning to feel worse and worse about leading him to do the things he does to me based on offhanded comments he's made. One of the posts I haven't posted was even titled "Done."

This was apparently a bad, bad idea. I should have talked to him about it, I know. But I was too humiliated to have the "I know you don't get off on this" conversation, and I thought I'd do it the next day. Of course, it didn't occur to me that he might want those things more immediately. We'd made amazing love the night before, it was beautiful, perfect; I actually said "I never want this to end" during it. So I thought he probably wouldn't need them this night. I was wrong.

The submissive act

"Correct me if I'm wrong," he said to me, kissing the top of my head, "but wasn't there a time when this submissive act was something you only wanted sometimes?"

I had been nestled up to his side, purring happily with the closeness, stroking his chest. I stopped. I was completely silent for many many seconds, and then I said, quietly. "It's not an act."

"Well, for want of a better word.." he backtracked, correcting himself.

Too late, that seed had been planted. I exerted all of my willpower to remain open and nestled against him and not withdraw emotionally as well. "You're wrong." I told him, managing to say it lightly and with a grin. "Just because you didn't know it doesn't mean I didn't want it. I didn't want to be pushy and make you uncomfortable."

"I see. Kiss me." he said. I did. Things happened. I was well and thoroughly submissive.

After, he held me, my head on his shoulder. "It's not an act." I said again, a little breathless, still quiet.

"I know." He kissed the top of my head, clapping a nice set of bookends on the interaction.

He says he does. We've discussed this. I've told him how turned on I was at a young age by certain passages in unlikely well-known and well-loved books, that I won't even mention here because it's that weird. And I have been known to attribute him with far more complexity than he possesses - it could well be that he really couldn't think of a better word. I should probably take him at his word. But it's hard.

I think too much.