Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Amusing D/s conundrum

There's this movie.

My husband, and most everyone in our circle, has seen it.

I have not.

I consider it part of my identity that I have specifically chosen not to see this particular film, and my husband has never taken issue with that. I chose not to watch it before we were ever a couple. In fact, in the world in my head, this film does not exist.

When it came out on DVD, I bought it for him. When he wanted to watch it with a friend, I left the house for the day and they had a day of it - I even made and brought them dinner!

Now we have a munchkin, and he wants the munchkin to see it. I'm fine with that, if it's important to him - I told him I'd go off to goodwill and browse while they watched it. He's not happy with that, though. He wants us all to watch it together.

I suppose you could say this film is a hard limit for me.

I'd do anything for him. Seriously, I would - he's amazing and he does so much for me, not just sex, though, holy hell, the sex.

Move across the country? Sure! Leave everything I ever loved behind? Sure, I'll cry a bit, but for you, babe, I'll do it. Suck your cock every morning before work? Yeah, that sounds awesome. Pay the bills? Plan the meals? Cook the food? Yes, yes, yes. Bear a child? Absolutely. Anything for you, love. Plan every outing that we have? Okay, I can do it. Plan a last minute trip for all of us so we don't have to be apart when you must travel on business? That takes some wrangling, but I can do it.

Watch this movie? .... I dunno. 

I asked him to put it on a scale of 1-10 how important it was to him for me to do it, and that was a spectacular flop and he wound up giving up, so it's not like getting me to watch it will grant him some fantastic experience he'd be missing out on otherwise.

So, submission. Not a problem. 

Except this.

It's a testament to how awesome the man is that I'm even considering this and not dismissing it out of hand.

I'd love to hear some thoughts on this - sacrificing something I consider part of my identity for his momentary, fleeting pleasure. It's not like he'd bask in the grand sacrifice of it or anything.


  1. Curiousity piqued at an all time high..What, pray tell, was the movie??? hahaha..

    1. ya seriously!!! You big tease =)

    2. Haha - I didn't mention the specific movie because there are a lot of emotions around it just because it is what it is. :)

  2. Conina,

    Wow. I am at a loss to give advice. I am not sure how I would react either. I am sure your husband would understand your feeling about the movie.


    1. He seems to understand, based on his response below. But he also seems to just want to watch the stupid movie. :) Thank you much!

  3. I actually understand how you feel. I considered it a point of pride that I had never seen a Star Wars movie all the way through - which is an achievement growing up in the 70's and 80's. I didn't want to do it. In the end, when our kiddo watched them all, I watched four of them with him and you know what? I loved the third one (Clone Wars). A lot! What was I being so crazy about - but now, of course, I can't say I haven't seen them. Sigh.

    I could go either way on this one, but your hard limits are funny. :)

    1. As he says down below, it's kind of like being proud that you haven't shoplifted. :) Once you do it, you can't ever go back. The sigh, there, is what stops me.

  4. The funny thing is it's not actually that good a movie, so that's not why I want her to see it. I'm just unable to understand how not seeing a movie can be part of one's identity.

    Besides which I was suggesting we watch the Phantom Edit variation so she wouldn't even be seeing the original movie! :)

    1. It's still the same concept - wrapping a bunch of scenes up in a different wrapper doesn't change the ultimate evil goal of yours to corrupt me. :)

  5. I understand this, although I am totally curious now to know what the movie is. Sometimes though, it is easier to just give in, and then either you can say, see I saw it and I didn't like it, or, maybe you may like it?

    1. Pretty sure I won't like it - HE doesn't even like it. :) I did watch 2001: A Space Odyssey with him... but then, I didn't KNOW it was a bad movie.

  6. I went through something similar with my Sir a little while ago. I didn't acquiesce right away. I hemmed and hawed, shook my head until I came to this: My identity is not dependent on outside forces. My identity is dependent on how I love, how I am open, how I am willing, how I am curious, and how I trust.

    What is your identity really dependent on?

    1. Hi! :) Thanks for the input - I agree to a point, you're absolutely right.

      But my GEEK identity, the thing I brag about when I meet new geeks, is that I haven't seen this. I don't have pi memorized to 125 digits, but I've avoided this. :)

  7. Is there a way you can be present without actually watching it? I know that when my DH wants to watch something and I don't want to, I busy myself with laundry or blog updates. That way, I'm there with him, but I'm also distracted enough that I'm not really involved with what's on TV.

    1. That's a fairly decent idea - if I'm writing or something I get pretty absorbed in it and can't pay attention to what's on the screen anyway. Thank you! :)

  8. oh. that's a tough one. One thing that is important to me, is controlling what I watch, when I watch it. Having to watch something when I'm just not in the mood is, for some weird reason, intolerable to me!

    I guess it comes down to, as others have said, deciding what makes up part of your identity. And what would, if bits - like this movie issue - were to change.

    For example, I had messy handwriting since I was a child. I always got told off for it, but never, I realise now, got any guidance in changing/improving it. I could generally always read it, and it became part of my identity, in a slightly defiant way!

    Then a few years ago, I realised that I was telling my children that they could do anything they wanted to do if they put their mind to it. Yet I was saying - living - that this was beyond me. I realised that I could do anything I wanted to, including still being me but with neater writing!

    So I changed. I got a handwriting book, worked out what was wrong with my writing, (inconsistency across the board basically) and spent hours sitting up in bed, doing letter drills.

    I still don't have the best writing in the world, especially when busy, but it is generally legible & nicer to look at on the page, and I can do some great calligraphy too!

    So I changed, but remained me, which I found extremely interesting.

    Sorry to write a book, it's a fascinating subject!

    1. Oh, wow, changing your handwriting is SO major. Total respect for you there.

      But, see... this is something I'm PROUD of. I haven't shoplifted, I was always a good girl, and I have studiously avoided X.

      I love your long comment. :)

    2. having come back & read your replies, I TOTALLY understand - I'm also proud to be a geek girl! However, I insisted being individualistic even in this, so I specialise in BAAAAAAAAAD movies!

      Interested to hear what the final decision/solution is xx

    3. ps. having thought about it...

      messy hand writing was also something I was proud of. it was individual, practically a code (as it was illegible) and made me, in my head, artistic and cool. I didn't suddenly stop being proud of it and start being ashamed of it.

      I just realised that actually, I was limiting myself under the heading of 'this is who I am, what kind of person I am' and actually, what/how I WANTED to define me was 'I can do and be anything I want'

      if that makes sense? It sort of makes sense in my head, but...

  9. What movie??? Don't care about your identity, what it means to Him, etc. Only want to know what movie. As it is, I have to guess!

    My take on personality is that it's in large part the result of your current beliefs. Some of it is physical in origin (remember all the heart transplant recipients who have found themselves unwittingly adopting the ways of the donor? and of course your libido) but much of it is a result of your thoughts to date.

    I have found it very interesting to try giving up some cherished belief or habit. I think that sacrificing something that seems to be part of your identity can only be good. Identities are not so valuable, they serve to chain us to habits and prevent spontaneity and natural exploration. Think - is a young child concerned with his/her identity? I don't think so.

    You might think that it's important to have this stability; but is not-watching-a-film important in this way? Does it give needed stability to your life?

    Giving up something that feels important can give a real rush of freedom. Try it!

    1. You're right - there's a certain amount of freedom that comes from sacrifice. I gave up a lot of things I never thought I could when we moved across the country, and I'm still me. :)

  10. What the Fuck?? Three words...
    It's a movie!!!

    I just read your entire "about me" tab and it said nothing about you are the person who has never seen X. It said a lot...I've read a lot about you in your posts...NONE of which have said you've never seen X. You are one amazing woman...seeing a movie won't change you one bit!!!!

    1. Eeeeexacty. To somehow place "not seeing movie X" alongside other much more significant identity identifications seems quite wrong in my opinion.

      But to look at it from her side, I suppose it's kind of like expressing pride into never having smoked or never having shoplifted or something (again, it's not actually a good movie that everyone SHOULD see). Once you've done it, you don't have that sense any more. So I guess I can respect that.

      On the other hand, wtf, I want to see the stupid movie with my family and she won't let me. :(

      -- the husband

    2. The about me tab is about this me - this isn't a geek blog. :) If it were, "Love Doctor Who, Buffy, Farscape, and I have not seen X!" would definitely be up there in great big letters.

    3. Oh, and I'd just like to say SQUEE because I spurred the man to make not one, but TWO comments!

    4. many comments, so little time (hehe)
      Yea - he commented TWICE!!!
      What other amazing things could we help you come up with to be major identity identifiers for you? Hmmmmm......
      (for this blog only....not a geek blog)
      Top Sex blogger
      CWS member
      Most amazingly HOT writer!
      Cock worshiper extraordinary
      Flogger Queen
      Flogger addicted
      submissive to a wonderfully anonymous Dom.....

      Oh, Oh OH WAIT!!!!!!

      Your DOM - read as DDDDDOOOOOMMMMM wants to watch a movie with his FAMILY.....hmmmmmmmmm....does that mean that the good girl does ....... (you fill in the blank)

      OK - so you know I'm giving you a VERY hard time. Please delete my comment if you're just done with this topic or done with some silly sub giving you shit.


    5. You make us both laugh a lot. :)

  11. I have a couple movies like this, Conina, though I think my reasons for not wanting to see them are different from yours. I love to read, and in my case, I have read and loved the books the movies are based on, and don't want to let the movie corrupt the images I have in my mind from reading. The entire "Lord of the Rings" trilogy falls into this catetgory, for instance.

    Not sure that's the same thing, but maybe kinda...

    Anyway, you are quite cruel for not providing the name of the movie. Are you sure you don't have a bit of latent Domme in you? :-)

    1. Ha! That's kind of the reason I've chosen not to see this one, Jake. Except it's because I loved the originals and don't want the prequels to spoil 'em for me. Kitty hit it on the head - this one's The Phantom Menace, and he'd like me to see the other two of them too. :)

      I didn't provide the name of the movie in the post because I didn't want the nature/love/hate of the franchise to color anyone's response. :)

    2. ah I SEE! Well, if you end up having to see one of them, Phantom is the least awful by far. Got some great action scenes and some beautiful visuals. Flaws as well, naturally...

      Hated Attack of the clones, and haven't seen Revenge of the Sith all the way through, not planning on changing that any time soon either.

      But to be honest? I'd back your decision NOT to see any of them on the grounds of not sullying your geek status!

      However, I see your Husband's point of just wanting to watch it all together as a family. Tricky.

    3. mamacrow, it's funny how people have such differing opinions of them all. I do love Weird Al's song about The Phantom Menace, though - I overheard someone at a recent concert of his saying "That's the only good thing that came out of that movie."

  12. Oh, I totally support never seeing any of the recent Star Wars trilogy, and in fact, I stopped after making the mistake of viewing Phantom Menace. Jar Jar killed any idea of going on with the other two. The original Star Wars, on the other hand, was outstanding!

    1. Haha. :) Experiences like yours are why I just avoid the whole thing. Right there with you!

      The movie has the added deterrent of being something he once watched with another girl. :)

  13. Hey, Conina,

    i want to comment, but i'm afraid i'm way too serious about this.

    If you feel like it's part of your identity ~ and i have weird things that i'm that way about ~ then it makes me sad that he won't support you in it.

    And see, i know he's a great guy, so that's probably the wrong answer. But i want him to. In my fantasy, he comes back and says, "I get it. Don't worry darling, I want you to be exactly how you are. Of course you don't need to watch the movie."

    But I don't guess that's going to happen. So yeah, just ignore me. I'm probably feeling it too intently, I can do that.

    Just find the right answer inside yourself and follow that, whatever it is. :-)



    1. aisha,

      Thank you for chiming in! We have both really loved all the responses here, including yours.

      He says his most recent comment says exactly what you say there - minus the "of course" - but I don't see it that way.

      Ultimately, he'd never make me watch it (he's never even made a big deal out of it). He'd just be ever-so-slightly happier if I did. (Like, having the right fork to eat his salad amounts of happier.)

      But, the way you feel it there is the way I feel it, too. And, while he just doesn't quite understand why, he accepts it and doesn't harp on it. (generally. Sometimes there's some good-natured elbowing.)


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