Floggers and punishments and sex partners, oh my!

DelFonte answered my plea for questions by asking:

Do you still make beautiful floggers?

And sadly, my short answer is no. I had to give that particular pastime up due to arthritis in my hands. I was down to a simple choice: Make floggers or live relatively pain-free. I do still have all the materials and all the ideas and I'd love it if my hands would magically return to their former ability.

And I do still have quite the lovely collection of floggers of my own.

If you have one of mine, be happy! If you want one of mine... well, I do still have a few I made before my hands crapped out on me.

sub hub in phx asked three questions:

1. In what ways are you punished for being a bad girl?

Hm, this is an interesting question. It feels a little playful. We don't really have a "punishment" dynamic as such, but now and then my love will say something like "You're awfully grumpy. I think I need to beat that out of you." and then will begin a pretty good session of flogging/spanking, usually followed by a pretty forceful fucking.

It's really rather delightful.

He's not a man of many rules though, or of precise bizarre desires. There was a time when I kind of wished he was the sort of man to want me to do something mostly impossible and who would then punish me for not being able to do those things, but I think for me that's best left to a fantasy scene we play out together rather than the reality of my existence. It might be incredibly hot at first but I have a feeling it would get eye-rollingly old for me soon.

2. Do you have any desire to be required to have sex with others within the realm of your servitude?

These are wonderful questions, thank you for them. I personally don't have a desire to be made to have sex with anyone else. I do very much enjoy a sensation of violation but I think that this might cross a line? Though then of course, "required" is up for debate.

I don't want to have sex with anyone but my master. There was a time (funny how things change) when I thought "hey, this'd be great, we should try this," but harsh reality always intrudes and people are messy, messy creatures. They're all full of feelings and emotions and flaws and, for the moment at least, it seems like just too much work.

3. Would you able to witness your Master Husband having sex with another woman?

Wow, these are really thought-provoking. I'm trying to imagine this thing.

I don't know if I'd be able to witness it, in a literal sense, because he has even less desire to have sex with others than I do. He doesn't like people, so having another one in his personal space is farthest from what he'd want.

But I think I might be sidestepping the intent of the question. I believe what you mean is - would I be emotionally able to witness such a thing. And I am completely secure in the fact that I am his and he is mine. If he got a bee in his bonnet and wanted to have sex with another woman while I watched, I think I'd be okay with that. I might wonder what was wrong with him and if he was okay because that's not his style, but once we'd ruled out the possibility of brain tumor, I think we could roll with it.

I'd be more interested in watching the woman though, to be fair.

I have more answers coming! Please feel free to ask more questions! I am loving interacting with you all. ❤

Q&A: Wildest bucket list of unbelievability

Pearl, who is a wonderful human being from everything that I know about her, took up my plea for post fodder right-fast and asked me three questions. 

What is the wildest night you two have had since you last posted?

Wildest since I last posted. Unfortunately there hasn't been a lot of anything wild going on in our nights. Sometimes, he pinches my nipples really hard and makes me scream.

That's about it. Although he has started going down on me quite frequently and I have had my first orgasm from just his tongue, which I didn't believe was even possible for me but, hah, looks like it is! Also beard stubble feels absolutely divine on aroused flesh. 

Still, kind of vanilla over here lately.  Once in a while we get to sleep a whole eight hours, and that, my friends, feels pretty damn wild.

I don't know. Our lives have gotten incredibly full of 'stuff' and 'people' and somehow we wind up not having much time for each other. 


Name 5 items that would be on your kinky bucket list?

Oh, wow. I could go on here. 

1. I'd love to have a day or two (like when the munchkin is elsewhere or possibly moved out) where I am tied for easy availability (pussy, mouth, ass) and just fucked, but left while he goes about his business for a while, then fucked again, and so on. Preferably with some orgasms.

2. I want to be properly tied up, like all over. Or maybe even suspension bondage.

3.  I'd love my husband to double-penetrate me with his cock and a strap-on. Perhaps even while I'm tied up. 

4. A cage. Oh my goodness, or one of those dungeon beds with the cage underneath? I can't decide. But I don't mean like a dog cage, I mean like prison bar cage. .  So many lovely kinky fantasies with that. But even a dog cage would do, at that. 

5. A want a hood. But I don't just want to have it, I want it to be put on me and I want to be fucked with it on. Regularly.

My husband likes looking at my face though. More's the pity. Woe is me. (I'm only 3/4ths joking)


What is one thing you think your blogger friends would never believe about you?

Hmmmm. You guys know so much about me. But what would you never believe? 

Would you never believe that I'm shy and people frighten me? And yet here I am, spilling my guts to strangers (and friends ❤) on the internet. 

Hm. I wind up looking at porn gifs a lot. But they usually disgust me. They're all herky-jerky fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck. But now and then there's a nice slow smooth one that's fuuuuuuuck-fuuuuuuuuuuck-fuuuuuuuuuuuck and those I can just stare at for quite some time. I think I've found two so far. Meh. 


That was fun! Thank you, Pearl!

I will answer DelFonte's question next.

Does anyone else have a burning need to have me ramble on aimlessly in the general direction of a question they have asked? Have at me! 

My favorite posts: Q&A

Don't worry, I haven't disappeared again. It's tempting but I'm putting forth an effort to pretend to be a person, and maybe the feelings will go along with it eventually.

What I have been doing is reading the fantastic sporking that Jenny Trout has given the 50 Shades trilogy. Pretty much nonstop. It's like reading the books, but with a constant companion who dreads the experience as much as you do and has a wonderful sense of humor.

I highly recommend it, if, like me, you won't lay a finger on those books for reasons that have nothing to do with "explicit sex" - because believe me, the sex I've read in those books is definitely not what I'd call explicit.

"Down there."

Snort.

http://jennytrout.wordpress.com/jenny-reads-50-shades-of-grey/

---

NOW. The lovely Pearl asked me what one (or 2) of my favorite posts are, and why. I do have a sidebar with some of what I consider my best writing linked in it under the heading "Some of my favorite posts," but to be fair I haven't updated it in quite some time. I thought I would share one sex post and one informative one. So, not to be repetitive or anything, but this piece is definitely right up there:  Hot anal action

Why? Because I genuinely adore anal sex, but it doesn't happen often (yes, still), and this was one of the most mind-blowing experiences I have ever had.

As for the informative one, I'm going to go fairly recent. The shockingly simple motivations of sexuality

Lily's original post was much, much better than mine, but at least this one keeps the idea going.

---

Thanks so much for the question, Pearl!

Any more from anyone? It's still March!

Reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated: Q&A

Q1. Where have you been? Why did you stop blogging and commenting and answering comments?

There's no one easy pat answer to this, and for the record I don't actually consider myself to have "stopped" blogging. I just haven't had anything to blog about. Once in a while a thought would tickle my brain and I'd think "that would be an amazing blog post," but then the pervasive tendrils of apathy that depression sinks into a person's soul would remind me that there really was no point. 

I'm teaching my child at home, too, and the amount of time I have for something as concerted and focused as blogging and maintaining the (very valued) relationships that blogging has brought to me has dropped to nearly nil. I am currently seeking to resolve this, but having a new reader come up next to you every few minutes to ask a question puts a damper on reading blogs. My blog itself has always been light on graphic images for the very reason that I have small eyes that could see them at any time. Now those small eyes also read words. It's just another dynamic that I have to think of when settling down to write.

As to other people's blogs - well, the same thing sort of applies. There tend to be graphic images willy-nilly, and while I actually have no problem with my little one seeing nudity, I do have a problem with nudity itself being sexualized for him so early. I do read certain blogs still that I've found are a sort of "safe" zone - yours, fiona, The Pervocracy, the dirty normal, t1klish's. But none of those blogs need my input. 

I occasionally peek over at other people's too when I can, and I will comment when I feel I have something to add or some helpful bit of advice.

The other part is, as alluded to above, an intense depression that has taken me over for the better part of this year. Our sex life dwindled away (causing the depression rather than caused by it), and even when we would have sex I wouldn't orgasm. I couldn't honestly tell you if I've had more orgasms this year than I have fingers. 

Add all that in with a 3-week-long visit from in-laws, and... well, a sex and relationship blog has to have something to keep it going, doesn't it? I try my best not to write about issues I'm having until they're resolved. It seems unfair to the relationship and my husband to air our issues while they're ongoing.

Q2. What is an amazingly sexy moment that you and your husband have had since you stopped regularly blogging?

Yeah, about that. Sex has been painful for me lately. After sex I would ache inside for a few days. I think it just hasn't been frequent enough for my body to adjust to the sort of sex we were having. I recently told him about this and he was dismayed.

It is getting better. We had amazing sex just earlier this week that has only caused a little bit of aching for me. That would have to be my top moment then, when he told me he could be gentle enough but he needed "some of that," when referring to his finger's gently probing me and finding me very very ready.

I told him I was afraid, and he said "You should be. Didn't you learn from last time? Maybe you should stop me."

I love it when he says stuff blaming me for something he's doing. It really works me up. 

Q3. What is your favorite decadent treat (food not fantasy ��). 

Hm. I make these killer reverse chocolate white chocolate chip cookies with dark cocoa, vanilla bean powder,  and vegan white chocolate chips (the veganness makes all the difference, regular dairy-laden white chocolate made my mouth unhappy even before I was vegan). 

I've been baking homemade bread every day too though, and a slice of that with margarine and strawberry jam may just be my absolute favorite. 

Q4. What is your current goto fantasy to cum?

So... yeah. I haven't been fantasizing. I've been mired in the pit of my own despair for way way too long. Also I find it frustrating to fantasize when there's no partnered sex forthcoming, although I have been known to fantasize during partnered sex. . . but there's not been much of that either. My fantasies of late have been more of the "wink out of existence" variety than the "have an orgasm" variety. 

But if we want to stretch "current" back to last year sometime, then my regular, sure-fire ones tended to involve restraint and triple penetration with lots and lots of talking and being upbraided for..whatever. Generally something I have no control over, like the weather or something he's done himself. 

My triple penetration fantasies go something like this: Dildo, gag, anal plug, spanking, having each object removed for a cock to take its place, then replaced when the cock is ready to move on to the next opening. Just being full constantly, and talked to. 

Or another one is the one where he tells me what to do when he's not here, to be prepared for when he is. 

These things don't happen. That is why they are fantasies.

Floggers - Q&A

To answer DelFonte's question - and thanks, by the way, for playing:

Are you still making floggers - any new designs?

YES. I still make floggers. Though I'm not exactly what I'd call a master marketer, folks still contact me now and then to make them an original creation and I pour all my love and creativity into it. A wonderful woman contacted me just before I left for a long trip over the holidays and she was patient enough to wait for me to get back before her lovely thing was delivered to her.

She wanted purple, red, and silver. This is what I delivered:

Inspired and enjoying being surrounded by my ropes and dye again, I then crafted what, to my eye, may be the most beautiful flogger ever to have existed. I have not listed it because of the aforementioned lack of marketing skills, but if anyone's interested in it I'm certainly up for negotiation.

 It's a gorgeous, huge, heavy monster. The purple is a bit deeper/darker than I can make photos show, but you get that with purple and cameras. I'm so proud of it I could burst, but again, not so much for the marketing.

Seriously, DelFonte, thanks so much for the question. It seemed like Q&A was a good way to dive back in.

I'll get to Fiona's questions in my next post, and if anyone has any more questions, feel free to ask!

Making the girl blush

We get up to some awfully intense things in the bedroom, but my husband rarely speaks aloud of them outside the bedroom door.

The other night, I was feeling horrible. Overstimulation from constantly caring for our child, bills, cleaning, and a lack of sex for several days had contributed to me generally feeling withdrawn and angry on a broad, not-directed-at-anyone scale.

He followed me around and when I wound up in bed, he forced himself on me despite my protests.

"But you're not going to stop me, are you girl? I wonder why you're not going to stop me, girl," he said as he performed all sorts of things upon my person. I didn't resist. I only answered his questions when he made me, though.

But later, when it was all said and done and a large chunk of the evening was gone, I mentioned how late it was as we sat on the sofa together and talked about what to do next.

"Where did the time go?" he asked, a little startled as it was 10:30 at night by now.

"You munched it up," I answered. This is common in the language of our marriage, we speak of time being munched a lot. It's not out of the ordinary. His response, though, was.

"Oh, so it was between your legs, then?"

I couldn't even respond. I gave him a look of incredulity as the blood rushed to my face.

You'd think that making me blush would be harder than this by now, but nope, it really, really isn't.

What makes you blush?

Anger & Love: Q&A

From Elisa, whose blog is private right now for some reason I'm not aware of since I've been out of it for a while: My question is this - can you define in the worst of times, why you love your husband? Or: When you are the most angry, what keeps you anchored in your love for him?

My husband is kind of a miracle of a person. We do have some "worst of times," but they're usually completely external to us. Like, the both of us in a craptastic situation, not either of our faults but that we must get through together. So, during those times, it's easy enough to say why I love him - he's my lifeboat. A sort of oasis of calm while I freak out. He doesn't really have lows or highs. He's a generally happy person who just sort of stays even... so when I am miserable, he can hold me and some of his calm imparts itself to me. He loves me, and I can feel that, and so that's what makes me love him. I know that's a little difficult to understand as it's a recursive loop, but love is not programming.

As far as anger... I don't really ever get truly angry at him. Sometimes there's a bit of exasperation on my part with some trait of his that makes no sense to me (bad, bad sense of direction, horrible memory). His parents (mostly his dad) have been the source of much anger and frustration for both of us, but my mom has occasionally been the source of some of that as well. 

I sometimes get intensely sad in my husband's general direction. He tries so hard, but sometimes the very trying triggers the sadness. Just that I'm something he has to expend so much effort toward can upset me. 

Right now, I'm in one of the lower places. When I'm up a bit higher all I can see is the miracle of him, but sometimes I do feel a bit unnecessary and like I'm just in his way. So, from this vantage point beneath the clouds, I can say what keeps me anchored in my love for him is how we are together and how he tries to maintain that regardless of the situation.

We don't go to bed alone. 

If I say "Good night, husband," when we're in bed together, and he's not wrapped around me, he says "Don't 'good night, husband,' me. You're not in a proper snuggling position."

He always comes and kisses me goodbye before work.

He always lets me know where he is.

He works so hard to provide for us. That's a thing I keep reminding myself, too. That the work that sometimes seems to consume him is for all of us. 

Sometimes I just want him though, and wouldn't mind being poor again for all the extra time with him.

Hope that answer was helpful. Thank you for the amazing question, Elisa.

---

It's still March! Any more questions?

Husband answers: Q&A

From fiona: So, what's your HUSBAND's favorite part of your body and what's HIS favorite part of HIS body??

So, I said I'd ask him, but I didn't.

He was holding me in his arms and we were chatting, and there was a natural pause in the conversation.

"Ohhh," he said, taking a deep breath, "I'm going to have to pick the same thing as you."

"Huh?" I said.

"fiona's question."

"Oh." I could feel the color rising in my cheeks. He'd read the post, he'd read the comments. "You've just made me blush," I said, "but you can't tell because my face is already red." I'd gotten a little too much sun on my face that day.

He was amused and he squeezed me closer. "Or your mouth," he said. "It says nice things, it kisses nicely, it fucks very well."

The things he was saying weren't making my blush go away.

"But," I continued, trying to move the focus away from me, "she also asked about YOUR body."

"Geez, I don't know. Who has a favorite part of their body?"

"I dunno, love."

"My penis, I guess. It does lots of things for me. In bed. Except when it doesn't. My hands do too, but I don't want to exactly copy what you said."

I laughed at him. But why not? We should all love the sources of our pleasure.

---

If anyone has any more questions for March, apparently my husband is also fair game!

Long distance, body parts, and craftiness: Q&A

From wingbowl (no link): I love reading through your blog. Based on your most recent post, how long were you involved "long distance" before you reestablished physical connection?

Thank you!

The word "reestablished" here gives me pause, as it implies that Husband and I were an in-person couple who had to endure separation for a brief time before we could be together again. But no. We met online, as so many people do these days, but not so many people did back then. There was an ocean between us, but we were drawn together. It's really quite a good story.

To answer the question, though, we were involved for just shy of two years before we managed to get married. We had long visits (4 weeks, 6 weeks) where we got closer and closer, and the times apart were desolate wasteland nightmares where (I at least) just held on to the moments we could spend chatting on AIM. He proposed after one of his visits had ended and he'd gone back home.

From fiona: What's YOUR favorite part of your body? What's your favorite part of Husband's body?

Not sure what favorite actually means here. It could be one I like the best or one that appeals the best to me in a visual sense. I love my clitoris because insane amounts of pleasure come from it. I think that qualifies as a favorite part?

As for my husband, it's a hard call between his legs and his hands. His legs are long and lean and they wrap around me just so, but his hands do so many wonderful things, from stroking my hair while we're watching a movie to making all the magic happen in bed.

Yeah, hands. ♥

From Riley: what gave you the idea to start making floggers? And since you're clearly crafty and talented, have you made anything else kinky or vanilla?

I'm vegan, and many many floggers are not - animal hides depress me. I don't want to be depressed during a joyful time, or really support sales of animal hides, even though the animal was probably killed for food. (Because yes, being hit with things makes me happy.)  After doing a little research, the few floggers that I found for sale that were vegan seemed either badly put together (cheap), ugly, too intense (rubber), or far, far too expensive for me to pay for something I wasn't even sure I'd like.

So I bought some rope (which wasn't cheap), and started making my own. I had some leftover materials after that first round, and made another, which a few bloggers urged me to sell. And then I discovered I was addicted, because the only thing better than making beautiful thing after beautiful thing is not having to find somewhere to store all the beautiful things. (there are only so many floggers a couple can use). They don't sell so fast as to making a living at it, or really do more than just support the habit, but it's soul-refreshing to make them and have other people enjoy them - vegan or not.

I have crafted since I was a wee thing. I used to crochet, do needlepoint, taught myself to knit, do plastic canvas. Later, my need for creativity was met by writing programs, by planning flower and vegetable gardens and growing plants from seeds. It's amazing how godlike you can feel just by encouraging a seed to do what it was always meant to do anyway. Moonflowers are especially gratifying.

Even later, I started working on an old house. There are people who will tell you that sewing and sawing are worlds apart, but it really is just a letter.

---

March is question and answer month! If you have any burning questions (or things you're mildly curious about) feel free to ask!

Flogger recommendations: Q&A

From dancingbarez: Also was wondering if you could make a recommendation for a first purchased flogger. We only have the heavy homemade one so we wanted to try something a little different. To be honest the one we have now makes me shudder and not in a good way. The straps are braided leather with tied knots at the end so floggers freak me out a little. 

So, first off - I make no claims to be a flogger expert. I genuinely love floggers and flogging and all things that involve flogging in my little corner of the world (the one where dead animal bits don't go in the bedroom). Since I make floggers, I get this question quite often, actually, but usually it's in reference to true beginners who have zero experience with floggers and want one of mine. What I recommend to them, pretty much without fail, is one of these:

I recommend these because they're inexpensive and very, very sensual. I only make these custom order, so people can choose the handle color they want. They can build to a slow burn, but there is not anything to be freaked out about. In fact, with the exception of some of my braided and paracord types, I'd put all my floggers into the thumpy/silky/delicious category.

I can't in good conscience recommend any of the hide-type floggers to you - but I know the typical hides used to make the standard garden-variety floggers are a bit more intense than I'd want applied to my bare skin. I've seen photos of the kind of braided leather you mention and they make me shudder too, in a not-good way.

I wind up sounding like an ad, but I really recommend any of my knotted types if you're already experienced with a flogger and not completely put off by the experience. They're a bit heavier than the "beginner" type and really feel fantastic. The knots are like smooth little fists that pummel you.

Like this one. Yummy.

If you're interested in talking more about either type, feel free to send me an email or drop me a comment.

Something I'm very curious about, but haven't tried so I can't recommend one way or the other, are rubber floggers. Like this one from The Stockroom.

March is question and answer month! All through the month, I'm answering questions about almost anything! Feel free to email me or leave a comment on any of my posts.

Sex time, kink, and to-do lists: Q&A

It's March! Question and answer month! Yay, and I already have some very, very excellent questions to answer. 

From Lola: On average, how many hours a week do you engage in sexual activities ? Has it changed over time? Are you longing for more/less? 

I don't know that I can get an meaningful number from an "average." On a good week, we spend 2-3 hours a day engaged in sexual activities - flirting, touching, stroking, sucking, fucking - so, around 16-18 hours.

On the weeks when other things get in the way, we probably spend two hours every other day or so fully engaged.

My husband estimates it at about 7-10 hours a week, on average, right now, but he didn't include morning sex and so I'd say it's closer to 10-12 hours, on average. The average probably happens substantially less often than we either spend more time than that or slightly less. 

As for ME - you can probably double (or possibly more) whatever our mutual number is for time I spend reading and writing and fantasizing, with the occasional masturbatory session tossed in for good measure. Those all count as sexual activities to me, too.

It has changed over time. When we were first married, we probably had the same level of frequency we have now, but I'd say the quality was substantially less - we just get better as we get older. When we were both working pretty stressful, low-paying jobs and when I was pregnant and going to school a lot (25 credit hours one semester, and a 90 minute commute each way), our sex time took a hit because we were just too tired.

Then the baby came, and immediately after it was okay - we co-slept but the baby was tiny and not really aware of anything when asleep, so we could play around, even before intercourse had been okayed by the doctor my husband teased me mercilessly.

When the youngster got a little older and more demanding, our sex time went way, way down. Sometimes as far down as once a week when  my mom took him away for a while - but we made those nights really, really worthwhile - trying to pack 4, 5, 6 hours of sexual activity into them.

And now that the little one is quite a bit older, we put him to bed and then we have our own time. So we're back up to probably around the amount of time spent being sexy with each other that we were when we were newlyweds, it just tends to be more confined to our bedroom than it used to be.

Am I longing for more or less? 

Well.. less is right out. No way I would ever want less. I would love to have more, absolutely love, but I am not longing for it. It's just something I really really enjoy and can never get enough of, so I would definitely welcome more. For me, sex is like learning or knowledge. I can have enough to keep my brain happy and fulfilled, but given the opportunity for more I will always, always say "Yes!" Some part of my body or my muscles might momentarily give out, but there's always another part and another muscle group. 


From Fiona: What's one thing, ttwd related, that you haven't done but would like to? Do you think you ever will?

Wow, that one's loaded. The great thing about the wide universe of kink is that there's always something new to explore. Right now I feel intensely happy with where we are, so I don't know if there's something I haven't done that I'd like to do. There are of course munches and play-parties that we haven't done, but I don't know that I'm actually interested at this point in my life. That being said, though, we're still fairly young so who knows where our interests will take us later in life? 

Maybe a little more bondage would be nice now and then.

There's a longer list of things we've done just once that I'd really like to see incorporated more into our play.

My husband once looped his belt around my neck and pulled back on it (oh-so-carefully) while he fucked me from behind.... yeah, I'd not mind a bit more of that either. 

When our little one needs us a little less, perhaps we can experiment more with more time-consuming rope work and/or belts.


From Grace: Who brought "kink" to the table, you or your husband or both of you? If it was only one of you, how was it initially received by the other?

I was incredibly fortunate to be aware of my submissive sexuality before my husband and I became a couple, so I didn't so much bring kink to the table as the table was built with it. My husband (boyfriend) was this incredibly open-minded, blank-slate, innocent European who adored me beyond what I considered good reason, so he was extremely receptive to anything I wanted. Having zero experience before me left him with no preconceived notions of what an intimate relationship included, although the more violent aspects (spanking, flogging) took a little longer to pass his social acceptability filter. 

I think the long-distance nature of our relationship in the beginning was particularly helpful for me in revealing the sexual things I wanted or needed - with no facial reactions for me to be afraid of, there was just his easy, reasoned textual response. Generally it all excited him a lot, which was very encouraging for me.

That said, once we were married we sort of hit a wall where I had to re-learn to communicate as openly with him in the realtime world.

dancingbarez asked a good one too, but I'm going to give it its own post because a lot of people have asked me similar questions.

If you have a question, feel free to ask in the comments or send me an email all through March!

Q&A: If I couldn't orgasm

An anonymous reader asked

"Do you think you would still enjoy sex if you couldn't orgasm?"

The question was spurred by my last post about why I like sex so much, which, if you read it, does not actually mention orgasms as part of the reasons I enjoy sex so much. I do mention them as a thing that can actually make me feel worse in certain circumstances.

Of course, I like orgasms. They feel wonderful, they often cause other pains to completely fade, and the intensity of an orgasm really can't be matched. But to be perfectly honest, I think my husband may enjoy my orgasms more than I do. I could be wrong, but he seems to genuinely get a lot of pleasure out of taking me to that place where my limbs randomly jerk around and I scream with the intensity of the sensations. 

I still want sex even when I can't orgasm. I get really bad headaches sometimes, and the buildup to an orgasm is just way way too much pressure on my head, so I will actually ask my husband to specifically insure I do not orgasm, or even get too close to one. He's not a fan of that, but knows I wouldn't ask for such a thing unless I was in a lot of pain. But the headaches don't stop my desire for sex; sometimes they intensify it. The pain makes me want to retreat into our shared universe of sensation.

I don't have sex for orgasms, I have sex for sex.

Now, there's the case of orgasm denial, which I am not for in the long term for myself. If my husband suddenly wanted to keep orgasms from me, I would wonder what the fuck was up with that. I love that he enjoys plying orgasms from me - if he just wanted to tease me to the edge and leave me wanting for an extended period of time, it would probably piss me off. In the short term, sure, if he gets off on seeing me want that. 

I think orgasm denial, for me, would put the focus way too much on my own pleasure. I enjoy sex because of the pleasure we share in it, and sometimes orgasms happen, but that doesn't make it about me. Constantly pushing me to the edge and then pulling me back from it? Suddenly my desire is not for sex, not for the sliding of skin against skin, the feel of bristles against my breast, my lips wrapped around his cock, but for an orgasm, and I don't like that idea.

If you need more clarification, I'll be glad to provide it.

Q&A: Why?

My husband asked a question, though it isn't March anymore, and I'm pretty sure he didn't intend to spur a blog post. I apparently did a sad job of explaining it to him in person. Anyway, I hope you all know you can ask me anything anytime, I'll be glad to answer.

 "Why do you like sex so much?"

Sex is amazing because of the connection it gives me to my husband, whom I adore. The intimacy, the pleasure he derives from it, and the pleasure I feel all combine to give me an experience I prefer to pretty much any other. The first two things inform the third one to a great degree. If I start to feel he's disconnected from the experience, or is just going through the motions for my sake, it's no good anymore emotionally. I can perhaps even still orgasm, but if the head space is wrong the orgasm will leave me feeling pretty rotten. I could end up in tears. 

If he starts to disconnect from it all, there's really nothing he can do at that point to not make me sad. if he stops I will feel I have done something wrong, if he continues then I'll feel bad he's not really into it. He's in a no-win scenario and I feel really badly for him. The best I can do is lie silently in his arms and not say or do anything to trigger a tremble in my voice - but when I am silent he knows something is wrong too. Thankfully it doesn't all go wrong very often.

Most of the time we have amazing sex and he knows exactly what triggers the most arousal in me, and gleefully uses that information. I love the space where I go during sex, and I love the physical sensations he gives me - hands in my hair, cock in my throat, cock sliding, sliding, wherever he chooses to slide it, impacts of his hand or an implement, the cruel bite of teeth on flesh, the caress of his words in my ear. Delicious. I live for those minutes where I am nothing but his. I am not a daughter, not a mother, not a friend or an employee or a homeowner or any other of the hundred hats a person wears in a day, I am just...his, and I don't have to think of anything but what would please him most. The absolute peaceful bliss that this state of being induces is nothing to be sneezed at.

If my head space is right, and I feel that I have been a "good girl" in my own estimation as well as his, after sex is a beautiful world full of golden light. Everything is right, I am loved, he is happy, and I really do feel as if I float there in his arms. I make a lot of soft happy noises. If I was a cat I'd purr continuously. To me, the love is palpable all around us. It really is making love, even if there's degrading talk or impact play or bondage involved.

If we have lots of good sex regularly then there's really nothing that can get me down for long. Even grief is eased by awesome sex. Best mood adjuster in the world.

All of those are the things I couldn't express when asked on the spot. I answered the question, but I did it badly. Lying in his arms with my head on his shoulder, he casually told me that he was pretty sure it's safe to say I get more pleasure out of sex than he does, and he went on to say that he guessed that made me pretty lucky. I fell silent, my head spinning with thoughts I couldn't express, thinking I had really, seriously botched my job of explaining why I liked sex so much. He kept trying to get me to talk, to tell him what was wrong. He told me to kiss him and I shook my head. He fisted his hand in my hair, tilted my lips up to his, and kissed me anyway.

I burst into tears. No, not just tears, messy, sobbing tears that flooded his chest.

How to explain to someone that doing this thing - this thing that was exactly what I would have wanted done -     can bring me to tears in half a second?

He is good to me, and we kept talking. He was bewildered at first, but held me, gave me a tissue to blow my nose, and we worked it out.

I feel everything more than he does - not just pleasure, but sadness, anger, excitement, nervousness. That's just our different personalities. His statement was only assigning absolute values to our relative experiences, and his personal absolutes don't have the range mine do.

I hope I've managed to be a little more clear in my answer now.

Q&A: Other girls

My last post spurred a question from Kitty over at The Submissive Wife:

But, I would like to hear more about this other girls business... not so much the him bringing it up, but the your reaction... If you are interested in sharing.

My reaction: Well, it's never going to happen, and I know that on the deepest level, but he says these things once in a while to see/hear/feel my reaction. My surface feelings are the ones that respond, not the ones underneath that know he is mine and I am his. It usually gets a shudder, a moan, and a promise from me to do anything, but he already has that. I think he just likes to hear it, likes to know that I crave not only his attention, but his undivided attention.

If he disagrees, he's welcome to chime in. (Hi, love!)

It's a hot idea to be teased with. It's definitely something my brain catches on when he does it, like a thread being snagged by a ragged bit of metal. Sometimes it puts a hot image in my mind that turns me on more and makes me move differently, more urgently. He's suggested before when I had a cold sore that maybe he should find another girl who would be able to suck his cock for him, and it's humiliating in that context, deliciously so.

We've talked about it, and neither of us are interested in messing with our dynamic by complicating it with a third person, but he feels perfectly at ease tossing the idea into a scene to watch me squirm over it. So much of what goes on between us is the heat of words, and this just gives him another weapon in his arsenal of buttons to press.

Disappointment

For starters, I just want to say that I love it when we're having sex in the spoons position and he pushes against the base of my neck with one hand while pulling back on my hair with the other. Mmmmmmm...

And now for something completely different! Here's a couple of questions.

As a submissive, how often do you feel disappointment at your dominant partner's attentions, or lack thereof?

This could range from mild disappointment at a spanking not lasting long enough, to more severe disappointment at a lack of spankings, sex, control, whatever.

Conversely, as a dominant, how often do you feel you've disappointed the submissive?

I'll start.

I occasionally feel mild disappointment that certain things don't happen, "but it's okay." The mild disappointment is cumulative, though, and I feel like it's not very submissive to feel that way, so it kind of spirals downward until he gets around to beating that out of me. Ask for a spanking/sex/scene/specific activity? Hard, man. I feel like if he wanted to, he would, so he must not want to, so me asking is essentially asking him to do something he'd prefer not to.

Yeah, like that. Who wants to do that?

The flip side of the coin is that he has no idea what's going on in my head, so by the time it has spiraled out of control he feels like he's disappointed ME.

Which feels entirely wrong to me as well. No-win situation.

So, on with the rest of you!

Love our Lurkers 6

Today (November 10!) is Love Our Lurkers day, a wonderful day of lurker recognition started by Bonnie over at My Bottom Smarts. You can find a list of other participating blogs over there too.

I know you all are out there. I can hear you breathing! It's okay though, I've done my fair share of lurking on blogs - especially ones with already heavy readerships.

I'm so glad that you enjoy reading here!

You don't have to say anything important or blindingly witty, but it'd be nice to know you're there, and a little about why you're reading. Won't you leave a comment? You can comment anonymously or with an account, either way is fine with me.

As an extra incentive to post, if you have any burning questions for me and you post them, I'll write up a blog post answering all of them! Exciting, right?

I hope you'll join in even if it's just for today!

Sex and periods

There's a theme I've noticed a lot in the sex blogs that I read - no sex during her period. People have various reasons for this, discomfort, whatever. I want to know, though, when people say "no sex," do they mean absolutely none? For her whole period?

Because, whoa.

My husband has never given a thought to if I was bleeding or not for us to have sex. Period? Okay, extra lubrication, yay! Consequently, I have never given it a second thought either.

Prior to my pregnancy, I had some serious issues. We're still not sure exactly what it was, doctors didn't know. I had a period that lasted for 45 days. No sex for 45 days would have killed me. I was already terrified by the constant bleeding, to remove the intimacy of sex from me as well would have completely destroyed my soul. I would bathe thoroughly every night, we kept a large towel on the bed to protect it from any mess that might be made, and we did what we do. Orgasms were also a major help for my pain relief, because I was having some serious pain.

I fondly remember one day when I couldn't even get out of bed with the pain, was bent over double screaming, bleeding like crazy, and he stayed home from work and gave me orgasms over and over.

After I had our child, we weren't supposed to have any kind of vaginal penetration-type sex for six weeks. So we did other things - face-fucking, anal, clitoral stimulation. God, I was ready for something in my pussy after those weeks - but I couldn't have lived with no sex at all. None at all? Argh.

So, tell me. Does no sex mean no blowjobs, no anal, no breast fucking? All of those things are sex to me. Or does it just mean no penis-in-vagina?

I'm also curious as to how my readers deal with periods and sex.

Comments, please!