Monday, March 25, 2013
Anger & Love: Q&A
From Elisa, whose blog is private right now for some reason I'm not aware of since I've been out of it for a while: My question is this - can you define in the worst of times, why you love your husband? Or: When you are the most angry, what keeps you anchored in your love for him?
My husband is kind of a miracle of a person. We do have some "worst of times," but they're usually completely external to us. Like, the both of us in a craptastic situation, not either of our faults but that we must get through together. So, during those times, it's easy enough to say why I love him - he's my lifeboat. A sort of oasis of calm while I freak out. He doesn't really have lows or highs. He's a generally happy person who just sort of stays even... so when I am miserable, he can hold me and some of his calm imparts itself to me. He loves me, and I can feel that, and so that's what makes me love him. I know that's a little difficult to understand as it's a recursive loop, but love is not programming.
As far as anger... I don't really ever get truly angry at him. Sometimes there's a bit of exasperation on my part with some trait of his that makes no sense to me (bad, bad sense of direction, horrible memory). His parents (mostly his dad) have been the source of much anger and frustration for both of us, but my mom has occasionally been the source of some of that as well.
I sometimes get intensely sad in my husband's general direction. He tries so hard, but sometimes the very trying triggers the sadness. Just that I'm something he has to expend so much effort toward can upset me.
Right now, I'm in one of the lower places. When I'm up a bit higher all I can see is the miracle of him, but sometimes I do feel a bit unnecessary and like I'm just in his way. So, from this vantage point beneath the clouds, I can say what keeps me anchored in my love for him is how we are together and how he tries to maintain that regardless of the situation.
We don't go to bed alone.
If I say "Good night, husband," when we're in bed together, and he's not wrapped around me, he says "Don't 'good night, husband,' me. You're not in a proper snuggling position."
He always comes and kisses me goodbye before work.
He always lets me know where he is.
He works so hard to provide for us. That's a thing I keep reminding myself, too. That the work that sometimes seems to consume him is for all of us.
Sometimes I just want him though, and wouldn't mind being poor again for all the extra time with him.
Hope that answer was helpful. Thank you for the amazing question, Elisa.
It's still March! Any more questions?