Sex time, kink, and to-do lists: Q&A

It's March! Question and answer month! Yay, and I already have some very, very excellent questions to answer. 

From Lola: On average, how many hours a week do you engage in sexual activities ? Has it changed over time? Are you longing for more/less? 

I don't know that I can get an meaningful number from an "average." On a good week, we spend 2-3 hours a day engaged in sexual activities - flirting, touching, stroking, sucking, fucking - so, around 16-18 hours.

On the weeks when other things get in the way, we probably spend two hours every other day or so fully engaged.

My husband estimates it at about 7-10 hours a week, on average, right now, but he didn't include morning sex and so I'd say it's closer to 10-12 hours, on average. The average probably happens substantially less often than we either spend more time than that or slightly less. 

As for ME - you can probably double (or possibly more) whatever our mutual number is for time I spend reading and writing and fantasizing, with the occasional masturbatory session tossed in for good measure. Those all count as sexual activities to me, too.

It has changed over time. When we were first married, we probably had the same level of frequency we have now, but I'd say the quality was substantially less - we just get better as we get older. When we were both working pretty stressful, low-paying jobs and when I was pregnant and going to school a lot (25 credit hours one semester, and a 90 minute commute each way), our sex time took a hit because we were just too tired.

Then the baby came, and immediately after it was okay - we co-slept but the baby was tiny and not really aware of anything when asleep, so we could play around, even before intercourse had been okayed by the doctor my husband teased me mercilessly.

When the youngster got a little older and more demanding, our sex time went way, way down. Sometimes as far down as once a week when  my mom took him away for a while - but we made those nights really, really worthwhile - trying to pack 4, 5, 6 hours of sexual activity into them.

And now that the little one is quite a bit older, we put him to bed and then we have our own time. So we're back up to probably around the amount of time spent being sexy with each other that we were when we were newlyweds, it just tends to be more confined to our bedroom than it used to be.

Am I longing for more or less? 

Well.. less is right out. No way I would ever want less. I would love to have more, absolutely love, but I am not longing for it. It's just something I really really enjoy and can never get enough of, so I would definitely welcome more. For me, sex is like learning or knowledge. I can have enough to keep my brain happy and fulfilled, but given the opportunity for more I will always, always say "Yes!" Some part of my body or my muscles might momentarily give out, but there's always another part and another muscle group. 


From Fiona: What's one thing, ttwd related, that you haven't done but would like to? Do you think you ever will?

Wow, that one's loaded. The great thing about the wide universe of kink is that there's always something new to explore. Right now I feel intensely happy with where we are, so I don't know if there's something I haven't done that I'd like to do. There are of course munches and play-parties that we haven't done, but I don't know that I'm actually interested at this point in my life. That being said, though, we're still fairly young so who knows where our interests will take us later in life? 

Maybe a little more bondage would be nice now and then.

There's a longer list of things we've done just once that I'd really like to see incorporated more into our play.

My husband once looped his belt around my neck and pulled back on it (oh-so-carefully) while he fucked me from behind.... yeah, I'd not mind a bit more of that either. 

When our little one needs us a little less, perhaps we can experiment more with more time-consuming rope work and/or belts.


From Grace: Who brought "kink" to the table, you or your husband or both of you? If it was only one of you, how was it initially received by the other?

I was incredibly fortunate to be aware of my submissive sexuality before my husband and I became a couple, so I didn't so much bring kink to the table as the table was built with it. My husband (boyfriend) was this incredibly open-minded, blank-slate, innocent European who adored me beyond what I considered good reason, so he was extremely receptive to anything I wanted. Having zero experience before me left him with no preconceived notions of what an intimate relationship included, although the more violent aspects (spanking, flogging) took a little longer to pass his social acceptability filter. 

I think the long-distance nature of our relationship in the beginning was particularly helpful for me in revealing the sexual things I wanted or needed - with no facial reactions for me to be afraid of, there was just his easy, reasoned textual response. Generally it all excited him a lot, which was very encouraging for me.

That said, once we were married we sort of hit a wall where I had to re-learn to communicate as openly with him in the realtime world.

dancingbarez asked a good one too, but I'm going to give it its own post because a lot of people have asked me similar questions.

If you have a question, feel free to ask in the comments or send me an email all through March!