Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Leveling up

When I was a child, I watched my mom work hard to support the two of us. She wasn't home much, but when she was we did things together, had a good time. I spent a great deal of that time she was at work with my grandmother, and an even larger percentage of it alone, reading, watching geeky shows, reading, being outside, and reading. I learned a lot about life from books.

I never thought: "Life will be easier when I grow up," because life didn't look like it was very easy from my vantage point. I actually thought I had it pretty good, and I should do all the things possible to delay "adulthood."

Although I did a lot of reading about sex and relationships, both fiction and self-help books, and I was completely fascinated with the concept of sex, pleasure, and power exchange from quite a young age, I never even looked at a real person as a potential romantic entanglement until I found myself online, face-to-virtual-face with a bunch of geeks who were talking with me and engaging my intellect.

Suddenly I was desired. People flocked to me; I had a posse. From that far-flug, digital posse I chose my first real romantic entanglements.

Life was better. Hadn't even seen it coming, but there it was. Better. I was blissfully happy, for a time. Then, disaster. Heart crushed. I thought I would die. I don't know that I'll ever really get over my first real heartbreak. I wandered hopelessly through country roads on foot, achieving naught but sunburn and a few guys in pickup trucks trying to pick me up. I wanted to die; I didn't see what good living would be like that, unloved, unwanted, unnecessary.

On the other side of this deep and yawning chasm of depression, though I couldn't see it at the time, was another hilltop of bliss. I had to trudge through the very, very difficult part of this game to get to the other side, to get to the reward. That particular hilltop was fairly low; it didn't have to be high to be bliss considering how low I had gotten.

All things come to an end, whether they are good or not. The happiness of that low hilltop was soon replaced with another grueling low point.

Then there was my husband. A brilliant, shining sweet white light, and we leveled up together, crashing through the lows, sometimes trudging, but always putting that one foot in front of the other because each step through the abyss was one more step toward the pinnacle. We managed, because we knew the sucking miry swamp would eventually yield to sweet meadows, sunshine and pleasure.

Life with him has been so much better than it ever was without him. But even once we were secured, fastened to each other with bonds that were legal and unbreakable unless we so chose, life continued to throw us curve balls. Our first decade together has been a combination of bliss and struggle, as we worked to build a life, finances, educations, careers, family, a house. Each milestone of our life has been marked with a meadow - a peaceful resting place where we beam with happiness but from which we are eventually torn by circumstance, or fate if you believe in that.

We level up, and the game gets harder. We get a few months of bliss, and then.... stuff happens, and everything changes.

I'm sure we're not unique in this. Thankfully, when I look back, save one or two particularly deep dark holes, all I can see are the gorgeous pinnacles. Everything else fades into the mists.

So, from my vantage point as an old lady, I can say: Life does get easier, but then it gets harder again. If it stays easy.. well, where's the challenge? I love a good challenge as much as the next geek.

As long as he is by my side, I will keep trudging through those challenges, because everything we've done together has just gotten better. I have faith that the decisions we make will carry us eventually to a happier, better place.

31 comments:

  1. I have one great advantage in this: I don't remember what we fought about.

    No, really. We have fights...and once they're done, I very literally forget about them. I drive by a place and think: "We had an argument there." Do I have any clue what the argument was about? No, I do not.

    Forget is a big chunk of forgive, if you ask me. I've never regretted my curious memory lapse.

    Your faith, however, I envy. I'm woefully deficient in that area. I don't believe that things will get better (I just have that bombproof survivor mentality of, okay, one can of beans and a rock. I can do this).

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    1. Hah! I have that after enough time has passed. We had one fight early on that resulted in him spending a bunch of time outside, working in the garden.. and his ring came off and we wound up searching for it in the grass all night and the next morning.

      I have no idea what that was about, though. Probably something stupid.

      Survivor mentality, faith, whichever one gets you there, right?

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  2. This was very introspective and well written...BUT, seriously -
    old lady??? delusional-much?

    I love a good challenge as much as the next geek. (LMAO)!!!

    Nicely done

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    1. Ha, the old lady part was meant very tongue in cheek, honestly. :) Thank you!

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    2. I know - just giving you a hard time =)

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  3. Life is so full of ups and downs. It is important to have the right lover to support each other. Thank you for sharing. I am glad you and your husband are so supportive of each other.

    Hug,
    joey

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    1. I don't know what I would do without him. :)

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  4. If your old then I'm an infant. Give yourself some much deserved credit hon. In my opinion the bad stuff makes you cherish the good stuff so much more.

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    1. Absolutely. Not having your heart broken means so much more when you've felt heartbreak. :)

      I know I'm not really old. :)

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  5. I hope your meadows become vast and your chasms so shallow you barely notice them :)

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    1. Thank you. :) I hope the same for you, my friend.

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  6. Great perspective- thanks for sharing it!

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  7. I have to admit, I also stumbled on the old lady part... LOL.

    This is a nice tribute to how life goes. And will continue to go. I hope that you are on the path up right now and not the other way.

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    1. I didn't intend the old lady part to snag so many people - I hope all your socks are still intact. :) It was meant as more of a joke.

      Right now, I'm not sure which direction we're headed in. It's kind of misty all around.

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  8. old lady? Riiiiiight. thanks. i see the big 4 soon enough. (not to disrespect anyone... but when you move up a digit in the 10s place, it takes some getting used to.. i was practising for half a year going from 29-30, and i'm practising it now too... saying I'm for...t..y... oh hard. hard. i'll get over it by june next year or so... don't worry about me)

    but other than my own rambling, i loved this post. yo're so optimistic.

    i kinda am too, mostly, except when i'm not. only a lot of the positive thinking is based on me the individual and not me one-half of a couple.

    but maybe that'll change someday.

    thanks for your thoughts. (and letting me go on and on .)

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    1. I do love when you go on and on. :) I totally understand the 29-30 freaking out, and not being able to take for...t...y as part of who you are. In my head I'm still 22.

      Thank you!

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  9. It is nice to have somebody like that by your side. I am glad you found that person and that you can do hit the highs and lows together

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    1. It's better than nice. :) It's amazing. Thank you.

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  10. Thank you. What a gift this is. I feel I know you. Writer, artist, wife, mother, insanely sexyspankyblowjoblovinglunatic -- god I love that part -- tender, loving, intelligent. Friend. I feel a friend, much as it can be.

    I feel I heard your voice in this. Not the writer's voice. Much is made of that and your writer's voice is strong and clear. I felt I heard your voice. Physically. Walking your lonely roads in despair, finding your hilltops. I think I heard the columns and the choirs of your voice.

    I won't address the old lady thing cause I don't live close enough to club your head, you idiot infant. That's real old lady coming out.

    Thank you. Beautiful.

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    1. Since most of my friends are far far away from me, it can be quite a lot.

      Thank you for the beautiful compliments.

      Also: I'm an idiot infant! Beaming with glee. :)

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  11. heheheh I totally saw the 'old lady' bit as you being sarcastic, but maybe that's because I'm a sarcastic Brit & see sarcasm everywhere!

    lovely post, LOVE it that there is someone writing divinely about sex & submission and all that who is also a geek (if you don't mind me so defining you) so uses such wonderful geeklike metaphors!

    We're both old time computer gamers, so I doubly loved this

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    1. Sometimes sarcasm is my primary language. :) Glad you saw it.

      Hey, why on Earth would I mind being defined as a geek who writes "divinely about sex & submission?" Nope, I see nothing to mind at all. Thank you.

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  12. Hey, I'm the old lady around here. Hee. Seriously. This post was lovely.

    I've never had bliss. I've come to the conclusion that my range of state of mind is rather small. On a scale of 1-10, I think my range is like from 4-7.

    I want bliss. I always think, if only this certain thing happens I'll experience be-all-end-all bliss, but nope. It just doesn't happen that way for me.

    And if you have three months between bad things, you're doing ok. I'd like to have three days between them. The last five years have really sucked. But thankfully I have Master. If I hadn't met him right as the ex was going off the deep end, I might not have survived it.

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  13. I think my husband is a little like you - he doesn't go very low, but he doesn't seem to get up very high, either. I think being with me (not to sound full of myself or anything) is the closest to bliss that he gets.

    I feel so badly for you that the past five years have been so awful. If I didn't have my relationship, I would look back and probably just see the really really bad stuff too (cancer, cancer, car wreck, diabetes death, fire, vandals, burglary X 4, suicide, friends deserting and vanishing). Life throws such awful things at us sometimes, that just surviving and maintaining our senses of humor is a huge triumph. Kudos to you!

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  14. I got the old lady bit, too. And you made me cry....lots of that going on today. It is hard, but it can be sweet. And when you have your one by your side, even the bitterest of pills can be easy to swallow, and the mountains are never as high when you climb in tandem. I'm happy that you have your one, Conina. Everyone deserves to feel like this. (((hugs)))

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    1. Sometimes the crying can be a good release. :) I'm happy we both have ours! *hugs*

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  15. I'm going to pat myself on the back and say: Me Too! I have a degree in detecting sarcasm. And of course, having said that, I will now miss several blatantly sarcastic comments. I liked this post. One of my battle cries is: Life's a bitch. Then you die. To me the joy and the buzz comes from meeting the tough times head on, wading through, fighting ahead, and coming out the other side. Certainly there are times when I am sick of the battle, but I keep getting up again....Like you, I don't think there's a lot of difference: Some days I call it faith, other days Surviving. Glad you have your partner next to you.

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    1. I love this comment. I once said that frequently - "life's a bitch, then you die," as well, but now I try to look at it slightly differently so I don't feel embattled ALL the time.

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Thank you for reading. I hope you'll let me know you were here - I like friends!