Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Talking dirty: His POV

GUEST POST by my HUSBAND!


So here’s my long awaited guest post about talking dirty. I apologize in advance for the lack of actual good examples of phrases and words and the whole thing sounds more technical than sexy, but I’m shy and Conina’s blog really has more than enough examples if that’s what you’re interested in.

As Conina has mentioned, I certainly didn’t start out being comfortable talking during sex. I won’t go into the details of my naivete when it comes to kink in our early years together, but suffice it to say I was quite the noob and Conina opened my eyes to quite the new world.

I learned early on that talking was good. It felt a bit awkward at the very beginning, but I got over that pretty quickly. What I discovered was that talking really sets the atmosphere, sets up a scenario even when there’s not much role play going on. It keeps us both in the very headspace we want to be in.

Now, when it comes to talking dirty, I guess I started slow, using the occasional word here and there that I hadn’t before. I called her names, mostly, in the beginning. I used words that I wouldn’t use before that I could tell were affecting her the way I wanted to. Thankfully Conina will often respond with a moan or a groan when I press the right buttons with my words, and I use that as a gauge to make sure I don’t overdo it.

Over our years together I have been expanding my sex talk vocabulary, and it’s only through experience (we love to “practice”) that I’ve become better at improving my timing and have learned that my words are most effective when they’re particularly aimed at making her feel owned, dominated, subservient... I suspect you get the idea.

To me it works both because I get the right kind of feedback in response, which tells me that what I’m doing is working, and because it becomes part of the action, enforcing my role and my behavior towards her. Without any immediate response to me I would certainly be more hesitant to say anything.

As usual moderation is important. After a while it becomes too easy to try the same thing over and over, and when you’re too focused on your actions your words can get a little out of hand (and vice-versa of course). So it may be best to err on the side of saying too little at first.

Timing is equally important. Follow phrases up with actions, or do them simultaneously. Words must match behavior, certainly don’t just say things for the sake of it. Let them come naturally, which isn’t actually that hard considering you’re unlikely to find a more appropriate time to be using phrases like this.

So in summary, dominants should be aware of how effective saying the right kind of things can be, and the importance of using words to further make your sub feel submissive.

Submissives should understand that response is key, without any feedback it’s hard for the dominant to tell what works for you and what doesn’t. Communication afterwards is of course important too, and I highly encourage it to further improve your experience.

If you have any questions for me, feel free to leave them in the comments. I'll answer what I can.

I'd like to thank my lovely, lovely husband for agreeing to write this for us. He's awesome, shy though he may be. - Conina

32 comments:

  1. oh thanks for writing for us... i'm loving that the doms are sharing their POVs too.

    and if Conina's posts are anything to go by, i find it real hard to believe that you were ever awkward about talking dirty :)

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    1. Thanks, happy to help out!

      Well, it's funny what a good amount of years together does. :)

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  2. I'm not much of a talker either. I'm still learning what turns Fondles on.

    Thing is, considering I haven't yet bought the book, "50 Dirty Words to Say in Bed to Turn your Lady on and Change Her into the Horny Sex Slave that You've always Dreamed of", I'm just waiting for that day when I say something that she doesn't really care for and everything stops, she looks at me with wide, incredulous eyes, and goes, "WHAT????!!!!"


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    1. If you're like Master, you'll do most of your talking while her mouth is full when she can't really tell you what she thinks of what you said. I wish I could stop in the middle of sucking and look up with incredulous eyes and go, WHAT???!!!, but I'm too afraid of upsetting Master and ruining the good time we're trying to have.

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    2. This is making me wonder if maybe i don't give BIKSS enough feedback. i'm not sure how more to make moans and groans sound like encouragement or affirmation tho. maybe i could make a thumb up? *heh*

      and t1klish - if my love for putting him in my mouth is anything he knew anything about, he would know that would be the ONE time i'm guaranteed to not talk back no matter what.

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    3. I think my love missed out on "squeal," "scream," "shake uncontrollably" and "orgasm" as responses that I also often have to his words. Either that, or he thought moan and groan covered all that. ;)

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    4. BIKSS, I had the same problem for quite some time. When you're afraid of the consequences of what you say (or do), it's generally much safer to just avoid it all together. Finding out where the line is before going too far is a big, big challenge, but it's a rewarding experience.

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  3. Yay! You brave brave man. I could never get Him to post on here, unless there was a threat of bodily harm. But everyone knows that's not the way the belt swings at our home.

    He was always a little timid about talking dirty or any vocal response for that matter. Ever since we have been doing TTWD, it all changed.

    I will be sure to have Him read this. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks T, I'll admit it took quite some time and was not the easiest thing to get myself to do. Hope it's of value to him. :)

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  4. Thank you do much for putting yourself out here for us to read. I think the headspace is so made by talking. The mindfuck can be HUGE. but I appreciate the reminder that as subs - our feedback is the part we can control and what us contributed (among other parts) to the experience. Good point. Thank you!

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    1. You're welcome, and thank you too! And yes, though I do suppose the feedback may not be required in all cases, maybe not for those with a more dominant personality? Just a guess really, I do know it certainly works for me. :)

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  5. Great post :) I'm so jealous, I can't even imagine Musicman writing a post for my blog. Heck, I'd be happy if he left a comment on occasion, lol.

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    1. Thanks! I won't lie, there was quite some feet-dragging involved.

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  6. This is an awesome first guest post. You make it clear that you know how much the right words said at the right time can turn a woman on, and it's good that you look for feedback to see what works and what doesn't.

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    1. Thanks, I certainly try.

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  7. Bravo! Good on you!
    This is an art He has perfected too and my response is pretty much like Conina's. Thanks for sharing the male POV

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    1. Thanks, good to hear!

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  8. You're absolutely right; feedback is key. I know when something works with Mrs. AP because she'll moan, groan, or buck from it. Conversely, if she goes still or gets immediately quiet I know I've struck the wrong chord.

    Tone, I've found, is important as well. Sounding controlled and in-control (or on the edge of losing it) has a much stronger effect than staying soft or uncertain. Take charge. It works.

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

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    1. Glad you agree! And yeah, the stillness/quietness is no doubt the biggest indicator that something probably went wrong.

      Also great point about the tone. I may not always get that right myself, but indeed it's important for maximum effectiveness.

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  9. I haven't stopped by here in a little while, somehow this blog fell off my radar. Anyway, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed this post, thanks for sharing! Now to look around and see what else I've missed. ;)

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    1. Thanks! I'm sure you'll find plenty more to enjoy here. :)

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  10. I think it is awesome that you took the time to share your side. As I am sure Conina has told you, we spend a LOT of time discussing how to get our men to talk to us. So, any help is appreciated.

    :)

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    1. Thanks! And yeah, she's mentioned it as being a common issue. Glad I could help out! :)

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  11. Thanks so much for sharing your views. Very interesting. Timing and gauging responses are key. Sounds like you have it perfected :)

    Dee x

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    1. You're welcome, and I do my best. :)

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  12. Well put and informative. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and techniques! And I utterly agree about the feedback from your partner being important!

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  13. Ooh, how did I miss this until now? Great post!! I love hearing it from the dom's POV. :)

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  14. Well done. Great hearing your side of it :)

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  15. This part:

    "Over our years together I have been expanding my sex talk vocabulary, and it’s only through experience (we love to “practice”) that I’ve become better at improving my timing and have learned that my words are most effective when they’re particularly aimed at making her feel owned, dominated, subservient... I suspect you get the idea."

    Yeah, that's exactly it. And the tone of voice, that command voice, just puts it over the top. :)

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Thank you for reading. I hope you'll let me know you were here - I like friends!