You don't find a lot of introspection here at Exploring Surrender, which is odd since the title seems to imply that you will. To be honest, self-examination of that kind makes me feel intensely vulnerable, especially since my husband reads here and honest-to-goodness introspection often makes me feel like I've just opened up my head and let all the less attractive parts of me hang out right in front of him.
As much as I want to submit to my husband and crave pleasing him, I do this too. I'll sometimes have a steely attitude that will often wind up discouraging him, and nothing happens even though I'd really, really prefer that it did, and then I get sad. At that point, he's in an impossible situation.
I've turned this over in my head for years, but it wasn't until I started responding to Kitty's post that I began to see what goes on in my head.
It's probably fair to say that many submissives who bring the concept to their husbands wind up second-guessing themselves, wondering if he's really into it, or if he's just doing it to humor them.
Our relationship is amazing, honestly, it is, and I know it. But the second-guessing just does not go away. I don't have a nice little window into his head like he does into mine. He becomes more confident by the day, as I write about my feelings and how I experience our experiences. But I don't.
While I always want to be there with him, I sometimes may act as if I don't - because I feel he may not want to be there, and I am trying to open a door to make it easier for him to get out.
He may say a million positive things about our dynamic, but as soon as he says something that can be construed as less-than-complimentary, my heart sinks. I can go from laughing, happy, delighted, to deeply saddened, the spark of joy within me stilled along with my breath, my inner laughter quieted. It actually feels as though a silencer has been applied to the happiness within me, a huge wet blanket of misery blacking out the memory of hundreds of joyous experiences.
There's a large part of this that's tied up with trust - trusting him to do what is best for both of us, trusting that the things he says to me are true, and trusting that he is getting more joy out of the things we do together than he is putting effort into them.
Why is it that I can trust him to hurt me, talk dirty to me, invade every part of my being, but I cannot trust that he is where he wants to be?
It's because I know how much he loves me and wants my happiness.
I need to stop trying to open doors. If I was visiting someone's home and they kept holding the door open saying "Are you sure you want to be here?" I'd eventually feel unwelcome and leave, no matter how much I'd initially wanted to be there.
I'm just not sure how to stop. Maybe if I have to open doors, I should open doors to inner chambers rather than the exit ones, and strive to banish steely-me from our bedroom.
I haven't done a lot of this since I had my lightbulb moment on symbiotic relationships and angst having no place within them. Our "us" is so very close to perfection that it feels like blasphemy to even give this so much airspace. But when it does happen I can feel his frustration as surely as I feel my own inner self go quiet and still. Surrendering to the truth of things he says is every bit as important as surrendering to his will. I adore him, and want him to feel his words are taken for truth, that I don't think he is a liar.
I wouldn't even grant this so much time, but I thought someone else out there may be struggling with the same thing.
While I always want to be there with him, I sometimes may act as if I don't - because I feel he may not want to be there, and I am trying to open a door to make it easier for him to get out.
He may say a million positive things about our dynamic, but as soon as he says something that can be construed as less-than-complimentary, my heart sinks. I can go from laughing, happy, delighted, to deeply saddened, the spark of joy within me stilled along with my breath, my inner laughter quieted. It actually feels as though a silencer has been applied to the happiness within me, a huge wet blanket of misery blacking out the memory of hundreds of joyous experiences.
There's a large part of this that's tied up with trust - trusting him to do what is best for both of us, trusting that the things he says to me are true, and trusting that he is getting more joy out of the things we do together than he is putting effort into them.
Why is it that I can trust him to hurt me, talk dirty to me, invade every part of my being, but I cannot trust that he is where he wants to be?
It's because I know how much he loves me and wants my happiness.
I need to stop trying to open doors. If I was visiting someone's home and they kept holding the door open saying "Are you sure you want to be here?" I'd eventually feel unwelcome and leave, no matter how much I'd initially wanted to be there.
I'm just not sure how to stop. Maybe if I have to open doors, I should open doors to inner chambers rather than the exit ones, and strive to banish steely-me from our bedroom.
I haven't done a lot of this since I had my lightbulb moment on symbiotic relationships and angst having no place within them. Our "us" is so very close to perfection that it feels like blasphemy to even give this so much airspace. But when it does happen I can feel his frustration as surely as I feel my own inner self go quiet and still. Surrendering to the truth of things he says is every bit as important as surrendering to his will. I adore him, and want him to feel his words are taken for truth, that I don't think he is a liar.
I wouldn't even grant this so much time, but I thought someone else out there may be struggling with the same thing.
Isn't it ironic how we can love and trust them so much, but then the slightest little thing makes us doubt again? Like you I often worry he is just doing it to make me happy. That is not what I want if it causes him to be unhappy. Think we will ever get over this?
ReplyDeleteIt's going on many years for me at this point, and I've only just put my finger on the why. I'd like to say we can get over it, but honestly I don't know.
DeleteWe can try. :)
Yeah, I have been there. I was just there last night actually. As an outsider, I can tell you to trust him, to lean into him, and just lead him lead. He will tell you if he doesn't want to do something, and honestly, the sex is just incredible right? So what guy would say no to that?
ReplyDeleteBut it is hard from the submissive's point of view who brought this desire into the relationship. I struggle with this too. Sometimes I am so confident, and other times, I feel like I made him do all this when he was just happy having sex twice a week. But I know he loves ttwd, so I am trying to relax, lean into him and let him steer us wherever he sees fit.
I try to look at it like that - he's very lucky.
DeleteBut so am I, and I suppose maybe I'm waiting for the luck to run out.
Generally I do try to do the same - but once in a while all the self-doubt comes bubbling up to the surface.
I do think its common to have this issue because the deeper the journey into ttwd we go the more there is perhaps the feelings of neediness and everything is so much more in every way...and then there is that pause...do they feel the same way? what if im more into it than they are? what if the novelty wears off etc etc
ReplyDeleteI try not to engage these thoughts because deep down i know its just me getting my overthinking hat on again, if there is a problem he will always address it straight away and we sit down and talk it through.
But does this stop me occassinally having these thoughts? nope, it exasperates him because he feels like im attempting to second guess him and thats not my attention.
*intention rather lol.
DeleteI know that exasperation you speak of. It doesn't help to tell them it's yourself and your place in the dynamic you're second-guessing, though, does it?
DeleteI was was here exactly earlier this week. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteI'd say it was my pleasure, but these were some difficult thoughts to wrangle - so you're welcome. :)
DeleteNo good insights to share, but intersting thoughts to process. I guess always come back to your post and read that you relationship is amazing and you know it:)
ReplyDeleteMost days I am floating on such a cloud of fairy-tale proportions that I can't even fully describe. But when that cloud gets a few holes poked in it, I crash pretty hard. Thanks for the comment. :)
DeleteSince this is still very new I have actually felt this way a lot over the past couple months. I think it's a normal thought process that eventually adjusts...? Like, I know MDK doesn't want to punish me but on the flip side he tells me lots of positive feedback. When you hear something along the lines of....I can't or don't want to deal it throws me back a few notches. I think deep down if the man or dominant in our life didn't want to be on this journey they wouldn't. :) it sounds like you are in a great relationship and you're working through thoughts.
ReplyDelete9+ years - maybe the adjusting will happen soon. :)
DeleteYou're absolutely right - if he genuinely did not want to, he would tell me. But then I start to think - maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he knows what a crushing blow that would be, and so elects to continue on...
I know better, in my finer moments. But these thoughts aren't tempered by what I know in my finer moments. ;)
Thanks for posting about this, I think it's really useful for all of us to hear the doubts that go along with it all...
ReplyDeleteThank you! Every fairy tale has its dark places.
Deletei think all the times that BIKSS bit off too much to chew. We had flirted consistently for years. I bet he never guessed that when we finally took the plunged and got sexually involved, he'd be THIS involved.
ReplyDeleteBut still I'm learning to trust a little more everyday that he wants this as much as I do. And just cos I brought it up, it doesn't mean he's not interested in a D/s dynamic.
And you know, you guys have an awesome relationship. So a few doubts once in a while shouldn't be anything to worry about. (or feel bad about, for that matter)
thanks for writing this. It's very insightful.
I think you're right. :) And even after a night of doubts, I wake up feeling so much better just for having spent the night wrapped in his arms.
DeleteThank you!
I'll join the chorus: i really thought this was something i would outgrow, but with each new corner we go around, i seem to need to deal with it again. I am, i hope, at least getting better at recognizing it before i blow up completely.
ReplyDeleteThinking you'd outgrow it: I know, right? It's like, when will I just accept? Years haven't proven that this is what we both want?
DeleteOh, Conina, I love your neighbor-opening-doors metaphor! You're so right about this, and you know what? While I see all the commenters above talking about how they do this from the submissive side, and while I know that sometimes Joy does this to me, I have to confess that I do it too. We Dominants are not immune to this disease. I have to stop.
ReplyDeleteIs it New Years? I think I need to make a resolution!
Wonderful post!
Thank you, Jake! It's really helpful to have a peek on the other side of the curtain, to know you do it too. Perhaps my husband is as well, and if we both wind up doing it on the same night - disaster! Sleep! Oh no!
Delete(a bit tongue-in-cheek, there, but also for real ;))
Understood this post loud and clear, as, it appears, along with everybody else. You make a lot of good points here.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Thank you, I appreciate it. :)
DeleteI'm with Jake on the neighbor opening doors - that's the part where I finally fully got it. I absolutely do this and not just in submission, there is an insecurity in me in relation to other parts of our relationship as well.
ReplyDeleteNow that we understand the issue, how do we fix it?
Great post.
Answers, I need answers, and you give me questions! :)
DeleteThe first few years of my marriage, I was actually kind of holding my breath, waiting for him to realize this wasn't really what he wanted after all, to pack up and move back home. I think it took 2-3 years for me to start really breathing again, to be confident in the amazing thing we had together. He'd have dreams in which his "we" were him and his family - and I'd take it as some sort of hint that subconsciously he still wanted to be with them and not me, and that same sinking feeling would occur in my chest. "This is it, this is when he decides against us."
I think maybe we just have to stop holding our breath and trust our partners. HOW? Inhale. Lots. :) Beyond that is beyond me right now.
Thank you.
I always give you questions - I am insatiable for knowledge.
DeleteBut this was a pretty good answer, so I will accept it. For now. ;)
I have often wondered if second-guessing is a consistent side effect that comes with being the one on the sub side who brings D/s to the table...
ReplyDeleteI absolutely LOVE the door analogy. I hadn't thought of it like that before, but it makes a lot of sense.
It really, really seems to be, lil. Although Jake's perspective is crazy amounts of helpful too. Perhaps it's a humans-in-love thing. Always doubting whether your chosen paramour is as into you as you are into him/her, and by way of that, as into the way you've chosen to live your lives...
DeleteWhen we doubt, we question. When we question, we open ourselves up to the possibility that we are wrong. Then we get answers, and relief floods us, and we're back to being secure and strong again.
ReplyDeleteWe all doubt sometimes. We all question. We have all, as a society -- and especially in the United States and the U.K. -- conditioned ourselves to either look for something better or for those we love to look for something better. Bigger! Faster! Stronger! More more more!
The only way to not question, to not doubt, and fully completely absolutely unequivocally irrevocably accept is to let go of that part of us that wants or expects more and to instead focus on embracing what we have. This is not a common Western way of thinking. Modern Society tells us not to accept, but to always strive.
If you want to work on the level of acceptance I think you're talking about, maybe look into some Eastern Philosophies, such as Zen Buddhism. Many of the koans are specifically designed to break conditioned thinking and re-learn how to accept while still improving oneself.
Come to think of it, maybe I should revisit my books...
Stay SINful
Mr. AP
I really appreciate the thoughtfulness and time that this comment took.
DeleteI think I do a lot of accepting what I have - I'm really not about acquiring as much as I once was and we try to reduce our waste as much as possible. On the relationship side, we love each other fully while still realizing neither of us is perfect. I like June's "perfectly imperfect" phrase, because we are perfect for each other.
I hadn't thought about looking into more Eastern philosophies, to not just accept internally what I have and who I am but also accept that I can never fully know what's in someone else's head. So that suggestion is well taken and I thank you for it.
One other source of doubt for me, is the fact that I am doing something that is culturally taboo. I was raised by my family to question, to find my own path. AT the same time they would all begin to gather and put together an Intervention if they knew I asked my husband to dominate our relationship. HE has a great answer when I go crazy in this way. (WARNING: GRAPHIC SENTENCE TO FOLLOW) HE takes my hand and puts it on his cock. "Yep." He growls in my ear. "I really hate this whipping your butt and shoving my cock down your throat stuff." That usually gets me out of my head.....Hope that didn't offend.
ReplyDeleteHa, that reminds me of my husband - and this post (also very graphic). :) No offense at all, I totally get what you're saying.
DeleteWhat a GREAT answer. :)
DeleteWe have had the same struggle over here. He is completely into the D/s aspect, he's always been Dominant, that's what led us into our D/s. The other parts of BDSM, though, are not so much his thing, and I have great difficulty sometimes accepting that he's OK with it. He told me something last week, though, that finally really put it to rest for me: He loves doing BDSM to me, even though he maybe wouldn't go there on his own, because he loves the effect it has on me. He loves watching my reactions, my facial expressions, he loves how wet I get and how hard I come, and that makes HIM want to do the BDSM stuff too.
ReplyDeleteThat helped a lot.