Tuesday, August 27, 2013

The shockingly simple motivations of sexuality

A blogger I much admire once distilled all of sexual experience down to a fine point that shocked me in its utter simplicity. She is gone, but her idea has burned itself into my memory and I feel the need to share it further in a place where it can be read.

Ultimately, every sexual interaction, every stressful moment, every tearful or joyful minute I have spent in relation to my sexuality, boils down to this one fine point. 

Example: I want to fight and kick and be overpowered. It sounds insanely hot and I want it with a passion. My husband, though, wants no part of it. 

Or from the other side: My husband wants his wife to give herself up to his every whim, but she wants to fight and kick and be overpowered. Crazy woman.

It could go on  - the male sub wants to be used, the female dom wants to be catered to, the couples in egalitarian relationships continually wish their partners would just initiate.

I'm sure there are situations in which it does not apply, because there are as many different kinky inclinations as there are kinky people. But this one point does apply in many, many situations.

Here it is:

Everyone wants to be desired.

I want my husband to want me so much that he will physically overpower me.

He wants me to want him so much that I let him do what he wants regardless of what it is or I initiate sex because I can't keep my hands off him.

Those people in egalitarian relationships? They all want to feel wanted. 

It's not just a case of "Why don't you initiate?"

It's a case of "Don't you want me enough to ever initiate?"

It's self-worth wrapped in the easily-crumpled, easily torn, fragile wrapper of sexuality. Because if our lovers don't want us, who the hell will?

It's an eye-opening thought, for sure.

I hope you can take it to heart and maybe apply it to some of your own situations. 


  1. That's huge! Wow!

    That's where the hurt and fear comes from...because, at least for me, in my mind, when he doesn't display the emotion or physical response I wish he did or that I desperately wanted, I go to the thought that it's because he doesn't love or want me enough.

    Thanks - awesome post. I've missed you around here!


    (now to see how long it takes you to respond to comments)

    1. I don't have a lot of time these days. :) But I totally get you. It's sort of a double-bind for us because we want them to want us and... yet, we want them to want what they want.

      And they want us to want them.

      Oh, humans.

  2. I feel like we missed so many nights of great sex based on missed cues, etc. I'm so much happier now that it's pretty much always "on".

  3. I had come to this same conclusion a while back... but I never put it into practical use. I hadn't turned it around or even applied it to real life, ie the bedroom. We all just want to be wanted.

    Thanks for the great post!

    1. I think it works quite well in application. I come forward a bit more and he does too.

  4. spot on. this was so much in such a short post. Thanks for sharing.

    1. Thank you. I tried to waffle on for a bit but I always fail at needless length.

  5. I agree with fondles, right to the point. And so spot on. You have mentioned that in another post before and it really stuck with me then too.

    1. Oh hey, people actually pay attention! :) You're right, I did mention it in another post but I thought it deserved its own.

  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Sorry about e delete. I think it was tmi.

      Great post!!

  7. I found this post from the link you posted to it last week. This is a fantastic post and one that hit me hard in the gut. This was all I have been wanting from my husband. This is the whole reason I started looking online for how to be a better wife. This lead to my tumble in the D/s dynamic. And the rest is on my blog. I have to say that in the 18 months or so that we worked on this, it never made him want me more. I was often frusterated by that. I wanted to feel wanted and even though I offered myself up to him he still didn't want me (more than the usual once every week or two whether we needed it or not). So now I am back at square one, trying to put the pieces together and figure out how to make him desire me as much as I desired him when we were engaged in the D/s dynamic. This may be a post, actually. Sorry to go off on a tangent! Fantastic post!


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