For starters, I just want to say that I love it when we're having sex in the spoons position and he pushes against the base of my neck with one hand while pulling back on my hair with the other. Mmmmmmm...
And now for something completely different! Here's a couple of questions.
As a submissive, how often do you feel disappointment at your dominant partner's attentions, or lack thereof?
This could range from mild disappointment at a spanking not lasting long enough, to more severe disappointment at a lack of spankings, sex, control, whatever.
Conversely, as a dominant, how often do you feel you've disappointed the submissive?
I'll start.
I occasionally feel mild disappointment that certain things don't happen, "but it's okay." The mild disappointment is cumulative, though, and I feel like it's not very submissive to feel that way, so it kind of spirals downward until he gets around to beating that out of me. Ask for a spanking/sex/scene/specific activity? Hard, man. I feel like if he wanted to, he would, so he must not want to, so me asking is essentially asking him to do something he'd prefer not to.
Yeah, like that. Who wants to do that?
The flip side of the coin is that he has no idea what's going on in my head, so by the time it has spiraled out of control he feels like he's disappointed ME.
Which feels entirely wrong to me as well. No-win situation.
So, on with the rest of you!
Well I often feel the same way. Asking for it defeats the purpose. If he isn't interested so be it. Like this morning I was supposed to get a spanking and what I got instead was hours to sit alone feeling stupid. Can't shake the feeling either.
ReplyDeleteI know that feeling so well - shaking it is hard! But, at least in my case, I know he doesn't intend such things, and so I have to bring him my feelings and explain it.. so we can avoid such things, possibly.
DeleteThis is a good topic, Conina! Thanks for making me think!
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite accomplishments is when I manage to exceed Joy's expectations, especially when it's in a way she's not expecting. I strive for this, and it definitely sometimes results in the opposite effect, in which Joy is disappointed. This can happen when we try something that she doesn't like, but more often it seems to vary based on her mood and her specific desire of the moment.
You mention that sometimes you want to be spanked longer or harder. That rarely seems to be the issue at our house (or at least if it's an issue, I'm not aware of it). Instead, disappointments more often seem to come because I want rough sex or stringent bondage when Joy is feeling tender, or because Joy is feeling sexy when I'm tired and stressed out. It's like we get out-of-synch. And hmmm...perhaps you've just given me an idea for my next post.
As far as how often I feel I've disappointed Joy, it's not as frequent as the times I think I've exceeded her expectations, but it's not never, either. Perhaps one time out of ten?
I love having my expectations exceeded too!
DeleteI personally don't often have the disappointment from intensity of spanking (I've just noticed a lot of others do), it's more a disappointment from lack of ANYTHING, as we do often wind up mismatched. It's usually me feeling sexy, and him working on something as the hours of the night tick away.... and I don't say anything, because I prefer nothing to coercion. :)
Thanks so much for the thoughtful answer! Disappointment one time out of ten sounds like pretty good odds, and yet you get the impression a lot of folks would never admit such "failings."
Love this..great questions! ;)
ReplyDeleteI think everyone, in any relationship or marriage, feels some sort of occasional disappointment in this thing or that, whether they are the dominant or the submissive in the relationship is inconsequential. For sure it is a two way street. Everyone gets frustrated and disappointed..because life just isn't that perfect, lol!
Sure, I feel a little bit of disappointment as a sub. I am not unhappy or displeased with my DH; but I feel that He tends to somewhat space out and "ignore" me sometimes, and often at critical times when I'm hurting and needing His attentions the most. He lacks that sensitive side that would/should pick up on my hurt and my need..He just dosen't "get it". He's not good at caring for a woman's emotional needs, and that is what hurts and disappoints me. There, I shared the big one. That's the biggest one in our relationship, anyhow. I get irritated and resentful when He fails to comfort me when He knows I'm in physical pain, or have had a very difficult day, ect. Whatever the problem, I just need His shoulder to lean on, to cry on...and it/He isn't there. He is somewhere else, and completely oblivious. He says I am hyper-sensitive and high strung and that I need to understand that the world does not revolve around me. Lol!
My only other real disappointment is that most of the time I feel I need more structure and more discipline...more than what He normally gives me anyway. But then He gets confused because I start begging and crying when I'm being punished..it's kind of like an involuntary reaction that I can't control. But deep inside, I want Him to keep going. I want Him to spank through my crying. I want Him to beat my ass until I can't sit. I want Him to hurt me and establish His dominance in mean ways. But it's really kinda awkward trying to confront your Dom and ask for those types of things. I so totally agree that asking defeats the purpose, so I won't/don't ask Him. I want Him to do these things to me on His own, because I am His, and He wants to, and because He knows I NEED it, and for no other reason(s). Definitely not because I had to "ask" Him to. If I asked for it, I would feel as if I'm kind of forcing Him to do something against His will or better judgment, something He dosen't WANT to do in the first place. Yep. That kinda ruins it for me. But, you bring up a good point in that they cannot read our minds..so if we don't tell them what we're thinking, they probably won't know or be able to identify or fulfill our hidden needs. Lose-lose situation is right. I don't think anybody has been able to solve this difficult conundrum. But, if you ever do come up with any answers, please let me know. :)
I can also relate to what Jake was saying...we are often very out of sync, and our moods don't compliment one another. He wants submission when I'm really having a hard time, or I want Him to *%$#@ rape me..and He wont. Total let down, and I end up feeling like a failure, and so not sexy.
Sigh.
Thanks for an opportunity to get all of that off my mind! I feel so much better now :)
I sympathize with a lot of this, though not the emotional part - I get very well cared for emotionally. The desire to be beaten while I beg for it to end, I definitely get. If I say "no" too many times, he's gonna stop, safe word in place or no.
DeleteHowever. I think writing out a scene as you'd like it to happen, and letting him read it, can have a lot of benefit. Then it's not like you've asked, and he gets the idea of what you'd like to happen, but he can pick and choose which parts he prefers and which ones to leave out.
I did that last night, and while I certainly didn't expect immediate action from it, boy did I get it. Will post about that later.
I'm surprised you had to ask him for something like that, since he's so full of other ideas!
ReplyDeleteGood to see he can get some things through his head though. :)