Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Asking for more: spanko edition

After my previous post, a commenter posed this wonderful question, and I thought it deserved more attention than I could really give it in the comments section:
I'm interested to know how you approached your husband to do more than just spank my bum? I'd love if DH would slap/spank other areas, but I'm afraid to mention it to him.
I remember, once I got him to start spanking me and he'd been doing it for some time, fervently wishing for blows to something besides my bottom. Specifically, my breasts, and at times, my inner thighs, my pussy, and often, the backs of my thighs.

Mostly my breasts.

But, since my husband started out vanilla, I was really worried about asking him to hit my sensitive parts, the parts he normally stroked gently, kissed tenderly, and generally caused to feel really nice by being nice to them. I didn't want him to think I was an even bigger freak. He was very aware of my generally submissive sexuality, but the thought of actually punishing parts of me that so enjoyed being treasured never even occurred to him.

It became clear, over time, that if I wanted this I'd have to do something. Probably ask for it.

No big deal, right? He already knew I was submissive, that I enjoyed bondage, that I liked being spanked, being "forced" to perform sexually, and on, and on.

Wrong. It was a big freaking deal to me. I don't know why. Just, somehow, coming out and randomly saying "please spank my breasts!" seemed completely unthinkable, undoable. The idea made my breath catch in my throat, I'd choke on my own words.

So, he'd spank me in the normal way, and we'd move on to more intimate moments. He'd have his hand on my breast, stroking gently, groping, or squeezing, and I'd arch toward his hand and plead, "Hit me, please hit me."

My poor husband. He would comply. He'd move his hand from my breast and strike my ass.

Not quite what I was going for.

I believe I tried it like that for some months, always with the same result. I wasn't trying every night, just when circumstances combined to make it seem natural. It just wouldn't register to him that hitting a woman's breast was a thing you could do, no matter how tempting a target I would try to make for him.

I realized I'd have to ramp up my game a bit.

So, finally, we were spooned together, he was kissing my neck, squeezing my breast, tugging gently on my nipple. I was running my fingertips over the back of his hand, over his arm, as I often do. I stopped my hand over his, lifted his hand to my mouth and kissed it passionately, tenderly, then replaced it on my breast. I squeezed his hand down over my breast, hard enough to hurt (because I like that), and arched my back, pressing my flesh even more into his hand. "Hit me, here, please," I begged, my voice soft. I pressed his hand down against me a little more before slowly lifting my hand away from his.

"Hit you here?" he asked, massaging me gently.

"Yes, please."

"But you're sensitive there." He tugged on my nipple to prove his point, and I moaned softly.

"I know."

"If you say so," he said, and he hit me.

It was good.

He has never taken my requests for being struck in one area as carte blanche to strike me in any other, which is actually excellent, even though the asking part feels awkward. So, after the success of the request for the breast spanking, and he didn't seem to think I was any more a freak than he already did, I eventually figured that I could ask for other things in much the same way, without having to have a "talk."

So my inner thighs were the next thing... though that didn't happen in any real heat of a moment, I just pressed his hand to my inner thigh one day when he was rubbing me there idly and said "I'd really like it if you'd hit me here sometime."

Again I got the "But you're really sensitive there."

Again he got the "I know."

He didn't hit me that day.. but he did remember, and eventually it became something that would happen when he felt like it.

Somehow, having the conversation when you don't have to name the parts you'd like to be hit makes it so much easier. He was just beginning to rub my pussy the day I asked for him to hit me there. He was very, very unsure about that one. He will still only hit me once or twice there - but life's a journey, and we're making lots of progress and enjoying ourselves a whole lot too.


  1. Reading this I can't help but wonder, do male subs want their balls hit?

    I don't want to be hit at all. If Master slaps my ass that's okay, because, as my mother always said, bottoms were made for spanking, and I always responded, no, they're made for sitting. Hee.

    1. Ball slapping is a thing. I've read a couple of blogs involving hitting balls with a crop, too, though in a lot of those cases I'm really not sure if that's what the man wants, or what the woman wants to do to him because she can. I'm really not certain about this, being as generally uneducated in that area as I am.

      I love, love, love being spanked, flogged, and otherwise struck on my ass and breasts. The medium length flogger I made feels especially wonderful on my breasts.

      Other things I love less. We have a fancy wooden spoon that hurts like hell, but in those cases it's not the actual hitting I get off on, it's the force, the feeling of helplessness of the situation.

      I'm a complicated creature.

  2. Thank you - I feel a little more comfortable asking for what I want knowing I don't have to use the words. Isn't that a strange thing to say? LOL

    1. I totally understand. :) A certain amount of trepidation I think is normal when you're asking someone to perform an action you'd enjoy but seems too far from normal, even with absolute trust involved.

  3. I like the explanation, sometimes that works for me, sometimes not so much. I do have a question though, I am wondering how long you have been at all this stuff? I don't know if I should call it D/s or not, I'm not so big into labels and don't want to offend.

    1. Not sure what you mean by "all this stuff," exactly. He's known that I'm submissive since we began an intimate relationship, long before we were married, just in chats and stuff, circa 2001. Our sex has sporadically contained kink elements - role play, bondage, spanking, since we've been having it, and that includes netsex. That was mostly submissive/dominant talk, not netsex flogging/spanking/pain, which I find a bit ridiculous for me personally as I couldn't get the same reactions doing them to myself. :)

      I've written some posts here that detail our history more.

      I'm not really happy with most labels, either. D/s is fine though, since I label lots of posts with that too - labels are mostly helpful for other people.

      Anyway, we've been at "all this stuff" for a little over a decade now.. but it's definitely been kicked into high gear in the last year or two. :) Is there a reason you asked?

    2. Thanks for taking the time to answer such an awkwardly worded question. I admit I did not take the time to look back at previous posts for my answer.

      I do have a reason for asking, though it would probably come out even more awkward then the original question right now. But I can say that things in this post have really helped me make a connection about myself that I had been missing. So again I thank you :)

  4. "I'm a complicated creature." -- Aren't we all? :)

    As a dominant who's had to work very hard learning how to ask probing questions of submissives, there's something very refreshing about someone who is asking for what they want.


  5. I try very hard to be an open book to my husband, without actually directing the action. None of us are mind readers, but sometimes it's a tricky tightrope to walk between me saying "I'd really like this" and him hearing "You need to do this."

  6. I love reading your blog. You are so wonderfully open and in love with your husband! I didn't see a way to PM so if you're willing my email address is moldedbyhim12@gmail.com. I'm Isabella, BTW :-)

    1. I sent you an email a little earlier, and I just sent you another one. :) Thanks for the lovely compliments!

    2. I feel awkward asking for certain things. In some ways it always feels a bit like "topping from the bottom," but I also want my dom to want to do it. Then there is also the element of surprise for me. I like wondering if he's going to be sweet or mean, or a combo of both. I like wondering if I will be disciplined. But the problem arises when they never do something you want them to. I never know how to ask.

    3. Yeah, I don't generally ask after the first time (unless he doesn't get it)- it's just that first time, letting him know that there's something I would approve of, and like, even.

      I have been known to occasionally ask him to "hurt me" during sex when he isn't already, but it's up to him as to how, since he's (thankfully, after much work) already aware of all the ways I enjoy. :)

  7. Hi Conina!

    We are moving along, but have a ways to go to catch up with you guys (by catch up, I mean, get closer to figuring out what works for us). I loved your post and this comment is copied from my blog in case you don't check back there. Thank you for being my submissive spiritual guide this year - I hope I can return the favor in the futue to someone else. :)


    1. Okay, it might be a small overstatement, but you do seem to get me (and have a post handy) when I am working my way through something. No pressure though. :)


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