Tipping point

A warning: this is long.

I've spent the last few days in a quandary. We've talked a lot, had wonderful conversations, he's been generally fantastic, and we've had lots of different kinds of amazing sex. But still, some things he's said had left niggling doubts in my mind, even if he'd never intended them to. I've written several posts and not posted them, about the nature of D/s, about my lack of willingness to continue on like this, and about the things we've done. I could never get up the nerve to share. I'm going to share this one.

I took the loudest toys - the floggers, the belt, the paddle. I put them away. It wasn't a random act, but the result of several of the conversations we'd had, none of which led directly to this place, but I was beginning to feel worse and worse about leading him to do the things he does to me based on offhanded comments he's made. One of the posts I haven't posted was even titled "Done."

This was apparently a bad, bad idea. I should have talked to him about it, I know. But I was too humiliated to have the "I know you don't get off on this" conversation, and I thought I'd do it the next day. Of course, it didn't occur to me that he might want those things more immediately. We'd made amazing love the night before, it was beautiful, perfect; I actually said "I never want this to end" during it. So I thought he probably wouldn't need them this night. I was wrong.

He'd asked me to suck his cock, and he'd peeled my clothes off as I slid downward, saying "You don't need clothes to suck cock... come to think of it, there's a lot of things you don't need clothes for." I was there for a while, when he asked me if I'd get up on the Liberator ramp and suck him while he stood. I said I would.. of course I said I would. But then he turned to go into the drawer.

"Uh-oh," I was thinking, as I kissed his lower back. He made some confused noises, looked in the other drawer, and reached a conclusion that clearly made him unhappy.

"Did you take my toys?" Curious, but stern.

"Only the loud ones." His toys? I had no idea he even thought of them like that.

"Only the loud ones," he repeated, incredulous. "Why on earth would you do that?"

"Because they're loud." That would be the topmost reason. I didn't go into the others.

"That's not your thing to worry about. Be a good girl and go and get them." He grabbed my hair, pulled it hard as if to toss me away from him into whatever direction the things might be.

I snuggled back close to him, burying my face against his side. "No."

"Excuse me," he yanked my hair again, hard, "what did you say?"

"No."

"And...why not?"

"I don't want to." I didn't go into the part where I knew he'd probably hit me with them.

"I don't care what you want. Go and get them." He twisted my hair, yanked it again.

I moved, valuing my scalp. I could only find one paracord flogger, my brain fogged with desire. "You want them both?" I asked.

"Yes, I want everything you took."

"I only have one."

Exasperation showed through in his voice. "The long one?"

"Yes."

"Fine. Give it to me." I passed it to him. All of this exchange had pissed him off and he'd lost his erection. He stood at the edge of the bed and positioned the ramp in front of him. I was still half kneeling in my "find stuff" position, and asked him what he wanted me to do.

"I want you to get up here and suck my fucking cock." So I stretched out before him on the ramp and took his soft cock in my mouth. He began lecturing me. "I would go easy on you, because you thought you were doing the right thing." Thwack. "But then again, you told me 'no' when I told you to get them. You knew that wasn't the right thing, didn't you?" Thwack.

I agreed with him, my mouth still full. "Keep sucking," he told me, as he unleashed blow after blow across my ass and thighs. Some of them bit and hurt worse than others. I had my hands on his upper thighs, and I squeezed them hard when it hurt, pulling myself further onto his cock. He eventually put the flogger down and reached for one of my nipples, which he tried to tear off. It was excruciating and I screamed around his cock. He grew hard to my screams, and reached for the other nipple and tried to tear them both off simultaneously. I screamed and screamed and screamed, muffled of course by the hardness growing to fill my mouth. "Take it," he urged as his fingers tortured me, his voice a rasp.

I was thinking "what the fuck? since when do screams turn him on? is this the same man who yesterday told me he does this for my pleasure only, and that's 'as far as it goes?'" My hands clenched on his thighs, and I pondered what I would do if he tore a nipple. I wasn't able to move away, and I couldn't use a safe word with my mouth and throat full. My head swam with the concept that we needed a safe gesture. Thankfully he didn't tear either of them. He finally let them go, grabbing my hair and pulling it, speaking harshly to me.

When he'd finally had enough of that, he pulled my head off of him by the hair. "Turn around so I can fuck your pussy."

I obeyed slowly, just glad for the moment that he wouldn't be torturing my nipples anymore. His cock prodded at my entrance. "Oh yeah, you're wet for me, aren't you?" he whispered, darkly exultant that this treatment could turn me on so much. He gripped my hips and thrust into me fully. I groaned with pleasure as he moved within me... and then, "You don't deserve this cock to fuck your pussy, do you?"

God. "No," I responded reluctantly, raggedly.

"No, you don't. You'd better thank me. Say 'thank you for fucking me.'"

"Thank you for fucking me," I parroted.

"Say 'your cock feels very good in my pussy.'"

I repeated that too, on a long moan. His hand curled into my hair and pulled, hard, tugging my head back. "Good girl."

Our moans filled the room, especially since he kept pulling on my hair. "You'd better be grateful for me pulling your hair, too, bitch," he told me.

"Mmhmm," I responded.

"Thank me." His thrusting was particularly harsh too, I think it was as much for my punishment as any of it.

"Thank you for pulling my hair while you fuck my pussy," I gasped out.

"Good girl." His other hand slid around in front of my throat and pulled against it, blocking my air. I could get a little, but I felt the pressure in my ears and my gasps became more difficult to get out. I was going fuzzy and it was glorious. He didn't hold me like that for too long, but it was perfect.

"You'd like it if I just fucked you all day long, wouldn't you, slut?" He was still was pulling my hair, his other hand randomly roving my skin.

"Oh yes."

"Do you think your pussy could take that?"

"No," I moved with his thrusts, watching my breasts sway with our combined movements.

"But you want it anyway, huh?"

"Mmhmm.."

"You'd let me fuck you raw, wouldn't you?"

"God, yes."

Some time later, he finally spent himself within me and collapsed against me, running his hands over my skin, whispering to me. My arms, which had been trembling to keep me up for some time, gave out and I collapsed flat on the ramp. He asked me to come lie next to him. I couldn't move for the moment, could only stay there, face buried in the ramp, body stuck atop it, panting and then breathing slowly. Finally I was able to move into his arms, and we talked.

I told him he was confusing to me, with saying he does something just for me and then ordering me to get something for him to hurt me with, getting turned on by my screams.

He's not comfortable with being a guy who gets turned on by hurting girls. Only bad men get turned on hurting girls.

"But don't you see, love, when you say that it turns it back on me too? Only bad girls like men to hurt them?"

"That's different."

"It's so not."

"Okay... well, how about I like to hurt girls who like to be hurt?"

"I'm even okay with it if you say you just like to hurt me, love, but saying you only do it for me just makes me feel bad."

So he decided that he likes to consensually hurt girls. "Girls" meaning me. I cannot express how much this declaration actually thrilled me.

He also repeated for the umpteenth time that he does not like fumbling, which was the main thing that upset him about HIS toys not being where they should be. He was very disappointed when not only had I taken the things, but I refused to go and get them back when he asked. He does not like those kinds of surprises.

I got him the other toys back, handed them to him one at a time, laid back in his arms. His fingers moved between my thighs and he began to pleasure me. It was good, and he took his time.. and then I felt his cock bobbing against my thigh. Whoa. My mind was blown with the idea that I could be fucked twice in an evening, and I wanted it badly. My leg was already tossed backwards over his hip, and I moved against him, his fingers still working their magic. I moved until I could rub against his cock with my ass... and then he got the picture, moved his fingers, and thrust his cock up into me. He slid one of his wet fingers into my mouth and made me suck it.

"I guess I might get fucked raw after all," I whispered to him before I was lost on the sea of sensations he was generating in me.

We slept very well last night.

For the first time in days, I haven't spent the entire morning doubting myself.