Monday, September 19, 2011

Get out of my head already!

A few weeks ago, I had a strange dream.

(Isn't it funny how no one ever says "I had a perfectly normal dream?" Or just merely, "I had a dream." No, it's always strange, weird, funny, unsettling, or, perhaps if you're lucky, good.)

In this dream I got an email from an old flame, my first, who treated me badly and ended things without really ending them at all - he just stopped talking to me. It's a wound that has healed but left a permanent scar, and it doesn't help that he has a pretty common name. I have called him asshole, but I later realized that was an insult to assholes... seriously, what did an asshole ever do to deserve such a thing as being a detrimental name for a bad person?  We'll call him jerkwad, because that's my mom's favorite name for him.

So I got an email from jerkwad, and it was explaining why he ended things the way he did.

"I tried to take your submission slowly, but it just wasn't working." There was more, but it being a dream means I don't remember the rambling bulk of it, and just this one phrase sticks out in my memory.

To this my dream-self thought "WTF? I never offered my submission to this jerkwad. He can't take it from me. Of course it wasn't working."

Why would I dream a thing like this? To what end? I never even brought up the concept of submission to jerkwad. Why would it resurface in this manner over a decade later?

Clearly the dream is still bothering me. I keep worrying at it in my mind.

Anyone else with similar experiences? I don't want this guy in my head anymore, but he just lives there.

3 comments:

  1. i've always considered dreams, for the most aprt, to be your minds way of (pardon the expression) taking a big poo. getting rid of old data, chucking old worries in the bin, that kind of thing. So when i dream about things like that, i figure that my subconscious had sorted something out and it's time to move on. Does that make any sense?
    Master says that dreams are meant to be cathartic, a release from tension and worry....either way you look at it, i think it means that a chapter in your life has closed, and you're ready to move on.

    i hope i'm not waxing too philosophical!

    p

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  2. I've definitely moved on, way way on, and have been blissfully, sickeningly happy with my husband for the last decade+.

    Perhaps there's some part of me that doesn't realize that yet though, due to jerkwad's extreme toxicity. Thanks for the insight!

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