I take it back.
I was wrong.
He did respond - oh, my goodness, he did.
It was just late, and it got buried under a mass of other emails and I never saw it, somehow, until right this moment.
I've been wrong a lot, lately.
I'm sorry. To him for casting him in a bad light, and to my other readers for subjecting you to an unnecessary downpour of emotion.
But I'll leave the text here as a monument to my wrongness.
He's an amazing husband, really, he is. Sleeping in his arms is like going home every night - to a true home that's not just a place but safety, security, and love. He never belittles me or makes me feel like I am not enough for him - and often, quite often, I feel very very spoiled.
There's always something, though, and so here's mine: there's a thing.
For over a year now, I haven't directly emailed him any of the fantasies or the near-pornographic sex writing that I've written.
He doesn't respond to it, and I can't handle it.
But I've been working on something - I shared part of it here once - and I thought maybe, just maybe, if I sent a small part of it to him, maybe this time would be different. Maybe he'd like it. Maybe it'd turn him on.
I was wrong. I should have known, because this is how it's been. I write something, I show him, and I get silence in response. At least with the blog posts - that I know he does read - other people are reading them so the resounding silence from him isn't quite as deafening.
As we curled into bed last night, he did thank me for it.
But it feels like the thanks you get when you tell a person you love him/her and he/she doesn't quite reciprocate.
It feels like rejection.
So I retreat back into my shell, until the next time I am lulled out by a true sense of security. My security is real - but he's just not interested in some things.
Dudes get uncomfortable with personal sharing stuff. Do you really want a husband that gets all giddy over emotional stuff? I didn't think so. (Hi by the way, I'm a long time lurker).
ReplyDeleteOh hi! Haha - that's the funny thing. It's not emotional stuff - if I write him something emotional he nearly always does respond to it. (neither of us gets "giddy," exactly, but yeah I like my emotional husband quite a lot.)
DeleteIt's sex writing he doesn't respond to. The near-pornographic stuff that roams around in my head and I often write down.
Thanks for commenting! :)
My husband doesn't respond to most things, and it feels like a rejection. But he does to others. Most of the time, it simply the time he has, and whether he's bored. It's frustrating and defeating feeling.
ReplyDeleteHe thanked you, that at least is something, and I would comforted with it - maybe it's the best he can do.
I'm pretty sure the thanks was his response because I have mentioned this feeling to him before, and explained why I hadn't written him anything dirty in so long.
DeleteBut I'm just going back to the other way, because these feelings - frustration and defeat, as you say - are really no good, and they're quite easily avoided by keeping my naughty writing to myself.
If I want Master to read something I write, I have to directly link it to him. He fell behind a while ago, and then just stopped reading, which I felt as a rejection because the journal I have was originally something I started because I have a hard time vocalizing thoughts, but can usually spew them in text. Now if something has details I feel he needs to read first, and we can just go over later, I can send it to him, and he will read it over as soon as he gets a chance.
ReplyDeleteSometimes the boys need a reminder that we write out what's important, and it makes some things easier, and is reaffirming just to know they've looked into that bit of ourselves that we spew into text.
Ohhh, he reads every post I write. He'll read this one eventually (hi, love!) and then he'll say something like I've got it all wrong, or that he got distracted while we were talking, or something.
DeleteIf he stopped reading the blog, yeah, that'd be an even worse feeling. I feel for you!
Anyway, I guess I didn't make clear that it's the sexy-near-pornographic-fantasy type writing he fails to respond to. :) I should fix that.
I never thought I'd see the day where Conina is wrong! ;) jk
ReplyDeleteI'm glad this all got worked out. I'm SO glad he responded.
Like I said, he IS an amazing husband. The lack of response seemed wrong but I certainly couldn't see that he had.. the evidence of my senses vs. the evidence of my heart.
DeleteMaybe his email just got stuck somewhere to make me look like a fool. :)
Oh, I felt bad when I read this the first time earlier. I hate being wrong. Feels good when jumped-to conclusions weren't as they seemed. Glad it worked out !
ReplyDeleteI feel so bad about it too! Worse than being wrong is having made him out to be something he isn't. :(
DeleteOh Conina. It sucks to be wrong.
ReplyDeleteClyde never really has much to say about my writings either. Once I had written something pretty graphic and the only response I got was him taking my hand and placing it on his hard on. Well I guess that means he liked it.
Glad he responded this time. Hopefully it was as good as you'd hoped.
Mmm, that's a pretty good indicator that he liked it.
DeleteSometimes, my husband reads my posts in bed next to me and then turns to me with an enormous hard-on. Yeah, that's one of my favorite indicators. ;)
Glad he responded!!
ReplyDeleteOh girl, me too. I was so sad when I thought he hadn't!
DeleteMistakes are made, then there is forgiveness, then there is make up sex.....
ReplyDeleteBlame your ISP, I do, all the time.
Or Google. It can be Google's fault. :) They're big, they can take it.
DeleteIt does feel bad that someone you love thinks little of your creations, I know. Makes you feel separate when you want closeness, especially over sexy stuff. I experience this too. Should we never give up hope, or just resign ourselves to it? That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer ... etc.
ReplyDelete