Sunday, June 9, 2013

3 easy ways to submit without sex

Sometimes it's hard to keep ourselves in the head space that a power exchange relationship requires. Life gets in the way, kids get sick, events come at us hard and fast, family visits. Some days it can take all your energy merely not to explode into a giant ball of stress - forget trying to maintain any sort of power imbalance.

If you're like me, that loss of physical connection and intense scenes can really mess with your head. Withdrawal is easy and depression can follow it and then where are you? Nowhere good, that's where.

Thankfully there are a few ways we can submit from within to keep sustenance flowing to that intimate connection so that it doesn't go numb. Some of them are surprisingly, head-thumpingly simple. They just require a little consideration of the relationship as a whole and the direction you'd like to head in.

  1. When the D-type talks, the s-type should listen.
    I hear you. "Duh?" you say,"Of course I listen when my Dom talks." But do you? If you're exhausted and just thinking about how amazing sleep would be, or if your D-type has awakened a little before you and wants to chat while you'd just like to grab a few more minutes of shut-eye, do you listen?

    There are a myriad of reasons that we don't really, really listen when people talk, but when we've willingly entered into a power exchange dynamic we should eschew those reasons when it comes to our partners. But you have to mean it. Stopping what you're doing with a groan of disappointment to listen dutifully is not going to work. You have to listen willingly and openly and respond thoughtfully. That right there is the biggest connection builder I can think of, even beyond intense scenes.

    When it's me, I think of it as another way to express my devotion. He wants to discuss ideas and I want to be open to him not just sexually, but in all the ways I can be.

  2. Even when there is no time or energy for sex or scenes, touch your Dom.

    Snuggle up to her on the sofa. Sit at his feet and rest your head on his knees. Show the D-type that you are really in this, and even though your alone time might be taking a hit, you're still very very interested.

    I tend to start to feel undesirable after a certain amount of time passes with no sex, but I think I assist myself in that notion by withdrawing from any contact.  Something goes on in my head similar to "If he doesn't want me, I'll just keep myself out of his way."

    Ultimately that has always proven a ridiculous construct and I don't know why that feeling keeps returning, but it does. I combat it by continuing to be affectionate, brushing my hand against his whenever possible, and dropping kisses on his head if I pass him when he is sitting.

    It's more submissive to keep allowing the touches than it is to withdraw, though my intuition tells me otherwise for some damn reason.
  3. Do things for your D-type.

    Is his family visiting? Plan fun activities for you all to enjoy together. Make them feel welcome and he will feel loved.

    Has she been working too hard? Make sure she comes home to a meal of some sort and a sympathetic ear.

    Take care of little things that might go unnoticed - plug in his phone, make sure she has her lunch, tidy up something that often goes untidied.

    Any one of these things may sound completely obvious, but when you do them from a place of considering your D-type's needs and desires each one can become an act of submission.
The dry spell will end and eventually you will have time for all the kinky naughtiness you are used to. If you don't keep the connection flowing in the mean time though, some of your potential kinky naughtiness time can get used up in restoring blood to the pins-and-needles discomfort. I highly recommend you just avoid that part and skip right ahead to the naughty times.

18 comments:

  1. Good points to remember! Now .. I just need the Dom!! ;) *giggles*

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    1. Afraid I can't help you there. :)

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  2. THANK YOU for including examples for all of us. I always enjoy reading what you write: it's always thoughtful and well-written too.

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    1. You are so very welcome - thank you for the compliment, and for noticing. :)

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  3. Love this post. Every one of these is 'duh' at first glance. When you really start reading and thinking about them, you realize just how light bulb moment-ing they are. At least for me.
    Thanks for sharing!

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    1. It's one of those things where you have to have the obvious presented to you before you actually consider the obvious an option. :)

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  4. Thanks for sharing. Now to remember these when those stupid old tapes go off. Ugh.

    Hugs

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    1. Knowing what to do is one thing - doing it is another altogether - I feel you!

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  5. Beautiful advice. Thank you so much for sharing

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  6. I agree with Sarah...each one I though "Duh!" but when I examine myself and if I actually do these things with consistency...maybe not so great. I agree and try to do these on a daily basis, but especially when I'm tired and that connection isn't at it's best (which is when these things are the most needed) I tend to fall off a bit. Thanks for sharing

    hugs
    bg

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    1. The not-withdrawing part is hardest for me - but I know how I SHOULD behave, and knowing is half the battle, right? :)

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  7. This is a very positive perspective! I am proud of you for looking at it from this point of view and it is a good reminder.

    :)

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    1. Sometimes I feel like a shot of positivity is just the thing. Thank you! :)

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  8. I like this, although sadly I just recognized that I am doing what you described in number 2...

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    1. Oh, gosh, Julia, it is really difficult not to pull away.

      The "easy" part of the title is in physical labor, not emotional investment. SO HARD.

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  9. I love this post. I love doing things like this and it has always helped me. When I felt myself and my Husband experiencing tension between us something in my head snapped into place. I started to do things like this before I even told him I wanted to be His, to be submissive, to be his adoring wife. I instantly felt better and so did he... (Sorry I'm commenting on an old post but I'm catching up on the stuff I missed out on. I wish I'd found all of you years ago)!

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    1. You comment on all the old posts you want to! I'm not creating a lot of new content right now, but the old stuff is as relevant as it ever was. I'm so glad you found us as well. :)

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