Wednesday, June 20, 2012

True confessions

I have a secret.

Sexy photos and videos aren't my thing, which is no big secret to anyone who's read my blog for a few posts. I love words; they are the fuel of my arousal. However, reading stuff does not generally turn me on.

"Whoa, Nelly," I hear you say, "how is that even possible, sex blogger who reads lots and lots of sex blogs and sexy stories and spends so much time doing so?"

A scene I described in the novel Beloved Bondage did, in fact, arouse me to the point of masturbation.

Another scene, when I was much younger, in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe also aroused me to that point, though it was clearly not meant to.

Once, having netsex with my ex, I was very, very aroused.

But in general? Nope. Nothing. I have an intellectual response to things I find insanely hot. "That would be really hot if it happened to me," I think, or "Wow, that must have been amazingly arousing to be in that situation." I can even have a "Oh, wow, I want to go try that right fucking now" response, but actual arousal? Nah. Not so much. Before I was married, I spent a lot of time reading sex stories, but honestly, just for ideas. Somewhere buried in the often crappy prose and terrible dialogue, I would find a nugget of hotness, and I'd keep it for my very own, to experience one day.

Some stories I'd evolve into my own personal fantasies, and I would use the hot elements to spin my web when I did want to be turned on later. I'd touch myself as I rewrote the stories to suit myself in my head, but never while reading.

Another confession: Before my husband, I never had an orgasm. I'd masturbate to almost there, but when I got close I just couldn't keep enough energy to get myself off. The sex I had with my ex during our brief two weeks together in person certainly didn't do it. 

Then came my husband. We had a bad netsex experience together once, before we were a couple, though it's not what you're thinking. We got stuck in a chat with two other people who were really, really bad at it, and shouldn't have been doing it there in the first place. We stayed silent there, watching awkwardly, as it was too amusing to look away, and making jokes about it over ICQ. It became one of the weird bonding experiences we had to lead us to our couplehood.

I think in part due to that experience, it took us quite some time to lead up to netsex ourselves, though I'd been quite the avid participant with my ex. Even after we'd met and been intimate in person, it didn't quite happen for us online. It took some gentle leading to get there. I was his first everything, so I didn't want to frighten him away by looking like a sex maniac.

I knew if we ever worked up to that point it would be amazing, because this man was able to turn me on with his words without even trying. I spent a lot of time helplessly aroused by his sincerity, by the endless depths of his love for me. The man was into me, and it was hot. Reading him was turning me on.

There was a stumbling block besides his innocence: he didn't seem to get the point of netsex. Just a weird thing for weird people to do in his mind, I guess. I couldn't get him there, no matter how often I tried. So I wrote him some steamy emails, which had the desired effect of turning him on.

He got it then, and he ran with it, keeping me in a state of almost perpetual arousal for weeks at a time, sometimes with long sessions, sometimes with a well-placed comment here or there, sometimes with his own steamy emails.

Reading him was really, really turning me on.

I had a few orgasms with him, without ever touching myself. I never did masturbate during cybersex, with the exception of fondling my breasts once in a while, or feeling the wetness as it slid down my thighs. I don't know if he did. He never told me exactly. Probably he did; I've learned that's a thing people do. My body responded to his words so beautifully without my interference though, I never felt the need to do anything during but marvel at my own sexual response to a man who was so very very physically removed from me. It seemed like self-stimulation would take away from the magic for me.

He allowed me to buy a sex toy though, kind of a rabbit vibrator, and he'd give me permission to masturbate with it in those lonely hours after he was asleep. Occasionally he'd get me all worked up first and then leave me to it. I'd write him about it sometimes, what I did, while I was doing it, made easier by the fact that my computer's keyboard was on my bed. Once, he required me to write him about it.

Reading generally does not turn me on. But reading this man, my soul mate, turns me on beyond belief. Reading my own writing with his words in it can often have that same effect.

I miss his writing though:
As you work your indescribable magic, and I near a state of perfect bliss, I retract myself a little, and indicate to you that it'll do for now. You make a curious face, and I start to kiss it, assuring you there's nothing you did wrong. Stroking your hair again, my eyes get lost in yours. There's a bit of a blur...and your eyes return to me, except now in a picture on my desk, which I find myself sitting at again. You're gone from the bed, but I still feel you with me, and I long for the days we can make all our fantasies come true.
 Until then...good night, beautiful. I love you...
We make our fantasies come true a lot, nowadays, and there are only so many hours in the day. It's his extreme levels of hotness that lead me to want more and more of him - whether that's in my mailbox or in our bed.


  1. Conina,

    I really like to read sex bloggers to create some different experiences for my wife. She has often told me to spend as much time as I want on the internet because she loves the results. So thanks for your great posts, no pix necessary, the narrative is terrific.


    1. That's exactly what I always did - read for content and ideas. I'm a voracious information consumer and love adding new concepts to our sex life - even before I had an "us." Thanks for the lovely compliment!

  2. Conina, thank you for sharing...or rather...confessing. Reading doesn't generally turn me on either, but if it reminds me of something that Cael and I do together and I start thinking of that, THEN it will turn me on. And wow, you're husband writes so beautifully.

    1. Doesn't he? I keep telling him that.. I would just melt into a puddle after I read one of his emails.

      I get what you mean - if something I read triggers a memory, I can get turned on like that too.

  3. This is a pretty intense confession - judging from the traffic on the blog - pictures and words turn a lot of people on, but you are right, I see writing as more of our journal of sex - for us. To turn us on... I used to read a lot more and I used to get turned on a lot, but since my love life has changed so dramatically, I feel similarly - like masturbation and other's words are a pale comparison.

    I still can get in a moment you and others describe, but it is really us that makes it so. That makes it possible.

    I don't know if you can tell, but admidst all the craziness this week, H made it a really great night. Perhaps I will write about it myself.

    Thanks for the fantastic post and sharing a bit about you.

    1. It's one of those things where I always thought everyone must be like that too... until I realized differently.

      I love that you had a great night! :)

  4. Hmm, I used to get turned on by reading certain books, which coincidentally, almost always involved some sort of power play/spanking. I find now, that I have little interest in reading about these things, I'd much rather be doing them :)
    Mitch and I also played a little with emailing sexy stuff to each other in the beginning of our relationship. It was a first for both of us and lots of fun. This in fact, was how I got the inkling that he wouldn't run away screaming if I mentioned the 'spanking' word. I wrote him an email about a dream I had about being spanked........... and so it began.... :)
    Ps: although I didn't really have a dream lol, I was merely testing those waters.

    Dee x

    1. Nothing like emailing sexy stuff... well, except for doing sexy stuff.

      You know. A friend of mine once told me this dream she had about her then-boyfriend proposing, and I'm not entirely certain she really had that dream either and wasn't just feeling out what my response would be to a proposal.

      You sneaky people and your fake dreams. ;)

  5. Lol the evolution of a reader. When i read something that gets me hot n bothered its usually because i imagine myself n my s/o in those positions, experiencing it the way we would.

    1. Yeah, that's the only way it would do it for me too. :)

  6. I was never much into videos or photos either, always preferred to read, but many years with Musicman changed that. He likes watching videos and I have learned over the years to like them too. So much in fact that we started making our own years ago. It is still a little embarrassing to watch them, but I get over that within a few minutes.

    1. I have such a hard time watching myself in videos even when my clothes are on. Nearly ten years later and I haven't watched my own wedding video. I can't do it!

  7. I am with you on this Conina, I like reading the stories themselves but don't actually get turned on by them while reading. I like the ideas that they give. I have not watched many videos but I know that is soemthing we have talked about doing in the furture. I am always turned on by Daddy so I am not sure I will be able to tell if is from the video or his presence, probably a bit of both.

    1. Ideas are so awesome though, I love love love reading for a bit of a phrase that would set my motor running...

      I think watching porn with my lover would make me feel inadequate rather than randy.

  8. We are so different!:) I can get very turned on by reading, and by pics, and by videos, but only if the scenes turn me on. I know that sounds silly, but most porn turns me off. If the people involved are behaving like sex is no big deal at all, or if the woman is screaming and carrying on but the man isn't making any sounds, or if the woman has the voice of a six-year-old, or if the man has an unappealing voice, or if either of them are covered in tattoos and piercings, or if an extra woman is anywhere in the vicinity . . . all that turns me off. Every now and then I find something worth reading or looking at, but not very often, so I write my own.


Thank you for reading. I hope you'll let me know you were here - I like friends!