Thursday, September 12, 2013
The one thing every new dominant should know
Contrary to popular opinion, what you don't know can hurt you and will probably hurt those people in intimate relationships with you. A BDSM situation, especially for those submissives exploring and finding their way for the first time, can be incredibly freeing. A submissive may find himself or herself with incredibly strong drives, with increased needs for intimacy - sex and kink, yes, but also just holding or touching or talking about feelings.
If you're not prepared for an increase in libido and other intimate needs, it could lead to some very bad places.
This isn't a "you are in fact controlled by your submissive" sort of thing. It's merely a fact. Dom doesn't equal asshole unless that's your kink, and if so that's between you and your sub.
An offhanded comment can reduce a submissive to tears so quickly that you mightn't even realize what's happened. In a dedicated long-term relationship that also happens to include lots of kink, if you want the bonuses that go with being dom, master/mistress, or owner, you need to be aware of what you have to be beyond just the kinky badass who takes what she wants.
For example: if a submissive mentions having fun and or sexytimes with you and your response is a lighthearted "That's your solution to everything!" it may not strike a nerve three times out of four, but especially if you say it often enough, when it does strike a nerve it will be a very exposed, very raw nerve.
The resulting emotional collapse from having this nerve struck may be something you witness, or it may not. Your submissive will try very hard to appear unfazed in front of you, but chances are she will feel like an annoyance: the guest who has overstayed her welcome, the sub who got just ever so slightly too needy. A sense of panic will start to set in. She will try to think what she can do to repair the damage, to be less annoying, and she won't see a way out of it because this is who she is now.
Eventually the dam will burst. It's a horrible straitjacket for a submissive - her own internal needs and desires and fulfillment on the one hand, the need to please her dominant on the other, and the two things seemingly in direct conflict. If what she is can only annoy her dom, what is she to do?
I'm going to make a not-so-giant leap here and say that actually you should be this regardless if you're inclined toward kink or not-so-much.
You have to be your submissive's safe place. If he can't express who he really is with you, then every kinky action you may take is for absolute naught. If he feels you are belittling his feelings and the things he needs from you to feel emotionally fulfilled, then he will start to withdraw - what else can a sub do when what he needs seemingly draws such disdain from the person he has devoted himself to pleasing?
This might require some self-correction on your part, some examination of what it is you say, and as always in every kind of relationship that's meant to go anywhere, clear and near-constant communication.
Maybe you've told your sub frequently how amazing he is, how much he pleases you, but you have to keep doing that. As submissive people we thrive on pleasing our dominant halves, much like a dog loves to please its owner. But unlike dogs, we can make inferences and draw conclusions, even if they aren't anywhere near being correct.
The hounds of self-doubt always dog our heels, and we need confirmation that we aren't overwhelming, that we are pleasing, and that what we are is what you want.
An awful lot of work for a dominant who's meant to get/do whatever she wants.
You've got the world's all time best self-caring pet/plaything, but you still have to do some work. A submissive who feels himself/herself pleasing is a submissive who will do anything you ask, so I'm almost certain that the work is worth it. Ultimately, that's your decision to make.
Please dominate responsibly.