Thursday, September 12, 2013

The one thing every new dominant should know


I don't like "should"s, or "every"s, or anything that seems to be a blanket prescription toward certain behaviors that might only apply to a small percentage of the population, possibly even just a sample size of one. So when I pull out the "should"s and the "every"s, chances are it's something I feel is incredibly important. This advice is geared toward those new dominants in long-term relationships and not necessarily those who are playing with a different person each time. It can also apply quite well to all dominants, but I wanted to limit the scope of my disclaimer because quite a few already do know what I'm about to share.

What you don't know

Contrary to popular opinion, what you don't know can hurt you and will probably hurt those people in intimate relationships with you. A BDSM situation, especially for those submissives exploring and finding their way for the first time, can be incredibly freeing. A submissive may find himself or herself with incredibly strong drives, with increased needs for intimacy - sex and kink, yes, but also just holding or touching or talking about feelings.

If you're not prepared for an increase in libido and other intimate needs, it could lead to some very bad places. 

This isn't a "you are in fact controlled by your submissive" sort of thing. It's merely a fact. Dom doesn't equal asshole unless that's your kink, and if so that's between you and your sub.

The backlash

An offhanded comment can reduce a submissive to tears so quickly that you mightn't even realize what's happened. In a dedicated long-term relationship that also happens to include lots of kink, if you want the bonuses that go with being dom, master/mistress, or owner, you need to be aware of what you have to be beyond just the kinky badass who takes what she wants.

For example: if a submissive mentions having fun and or sexytimes with you and your response is a lighthearted "That's your solution to everything!" it may not strike a nerve three times out of four, but especially if you say it often enough, when it does strike a nerve it will be a very exposed, very raw nerve.

The resulting emotional collapse from having this nerve struck may be something you witness, or it may not. Your submissive will try very hard to appear unfazed in front of you, but chances are she will feel like an annoyance: the guest who has overstayed her welcome, the sub who got just ever so slightly too needy. A sense of panic will start to set in. She will try to think what she can do to repair the damage, to be less annoying, and she won't see a way out of it because this is who she is now. 

Eventually the dam will burst. It's a horrible straitjacket for a submissive - her own internal needs and desires and fulfillment on the one hand, the need to please her dominant on the other, and the two things seemingly in direct conflict. If what she is can only annoy her dom, what is she to do?

What you need to be

I'm going to make a not-so-giant leap here and say that actually you should be this regardless if you're inclined toward kink or not-so-much. 

You have to be your submissive's safe place. If he can't express who he really is with you, then every kinky action you may take is for absolute naught. If he feels you are belittling his feelings and the things he needs from you to feel emotionally fulfilled, then he will start to withdraw - what else can a sub do when what he needs seemingly draws such disdain from the person he has devoted himself to pleasing? 

This might require some self-correction on your part, some examination of what it is you say, and as always in every kind of relationship that's meant to go anywhere, clear and near-constant communication.

Maybe you've told your sub frequently how amazing he is, how much he pleases you, but you have to keep doing that. As submissive people we thrive on pleasing our dominant halves, much like a dog loves to please its owner. But unlike dogs, we can make inferences and draw conclusions, even if they aren't anywhere near being correct. 

The hounds of self-doubt always dog our heels, and we need confirmation that we aren't overwhelming, that we are pleasing, and that what we are is what you want.

An awful lot of work for a dominant who's meant to get/do whatever she wants. 

You've got the world's all time best self-caring pet/plaything, but you still have to do some work. A submissive who feels himself/herself pleasing is a submissive who will do anything you ask, so I'm almost certain that the work is worth it. Ultimately, that's your decision to make. 

Please dominate responsibly.


  1. 'Dom doesn't equal asshole unless that's your kink, and if so that's between you and your sub.'


    I'm going slightly off at a tangent, but recently I've been musing on the fact that I sometimes find it really hard to read other people's blogs.

    Because if they're presenting just the sexy times, fantasies etc, they often (I understand NOW) leave out the whole 'putting back together afterwards bits' or the normal conversations about stuff, or whatever. I've come slowly to realise that sometimes this is taken for granted that a) it happens and that b) everyone knows that it happens.

    Certainly all that stuff happens in my life and relationship (for which I am profoundly grateful) but I SO don't take it for granted, so I'm sometimes shrinking from the screen and reading through my fingers...

    Another reason why I LOVE your blog, the love drips from every pore, no reading through my fingers required!

    oh P.S. *someone* left our lovely Conina my-little-pony-tail flogger in the bed the other night, and the next morning the 3yo was waking me up chatting to me about 'oh, you have a skipping rope too!'
    I couldn't work out what on earth she was talking about until I spotted it later... Still, that's yet another plus point about it, it looks like something innocuous I suppose!

    p.p.s. lovely to see you blogging again!

    1. I love your tangents. :)

      Thank you for the multiple wonderful compliments - and you're so right. There is a total story to everyone, and often that includes a lot of "work" - sometimes it's fun work, but often there are stumbles and fixes and for people to really get everything they can out of a story, they need to know it might go wrong.

  2. This was awesome! There is whole lot of emotions on the sub side of things. Many Dom's (especially newer ones) just don't understand.

    Very well written!!

    1. There's a whole world of vulnerability you open up when you start submitting... it's very incomprehensible to those who haven't experienced it.

  3. A peek into the mind of the sub. Love it and so true.


    1. I think that Doms sometimes need a peek into a submissive's mind. :) Thank you.

  4. Fabulous post Conina, and so on the mark.

    1. Thank you - I figure a lot of people could do well to read something like this.

  5. This is so so so true.... I'm gonna make B read it... or ask him sweetly to read it depending on my mood... lol.

    I don't think guys realize how much we THINK about what they say... they're words are powerful.

    Thank you for posting this.. it really made me think..


    1. Haha, asking sweetly might be a better way to go about it. Though "making" isn't a bad thing either when it gets to the heart of what you're trying to express.

  6. So definitely passing this along to the Sir! This really resonated with me, thanks Conina:-)


  7. Please dominate responsibly.

    *applause* Great post!

  8. Thank you for the awesome post. Enjoyed it! I think when it all comes down to it that the Dom definitely has the more difficult and complex role in the relationship. Makes me glad to be the spoiled sub!!!


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