Thursday, May 30, 2013

Sex slave

I can't really begin to express how difficult it is growing up and being entranced by the idea of slavery, of being owned and helpless to another person's whim.

I devoured books about slavery all through my childhood- Roman, Greek, Egyptian, American, various and sundry other cultures - simultaneously horrified and enthralled. My very fascination amplified my horror - what sort of person gets tingles when reading about these things?

What was best, when I read the sometimes-fictional books, was when the owner and slave developed a true affection for each other, and then when it became sexual, although not always in that order. There was choice, but there was not choice; there was joy, but there was also ownership.

I tried to pretend the fascination was only academic as I grew older, to mask my fascination with slavery in all its forms with what looked like a voracious love of history, but I never could eliminate the tingly feeling I got when I thought of being possessed, of being owned, taken, controlled. The guilt always came along for the ride too - the guilt of knowing that I shouldn't be so fascinated, that the very concept should be repugnant to me, and that the world should advance beyond those base concepts of people owning people. The pleasure and the guilt became so intertwined that I wasn't always sure which was which. At least in my fantasies I was always the slave and never the owner, though that was a minimal balm at best, since the guilt still told me I was disrespecting people who had no choice in their slavery.

These days, I am a little more comfortable with myself, and I feel much less guilty. I very much identify as sex slave. I know there are people out there who will take issue with that, because I'm not "extreme" enough and because blah blah blah, whatever. Slavery is defined by the Master, not by anyone else. That has always been true - your situation as a non-consensual slave absolutely depended upon who you wound up with.

When my husband pulls me into his arms and says "Mine!" or, even better, whispers into my ear "You belong to me," it thrills me to my core. Every single time. When he further whispers that he is a lucky, lucky man, I can only be grateful. I feel that I am most definitely the lucky one to be gifted with his ownership and his acceptance of who I am. Most importantly, that I made the choice to give him my body, my soul, my Self. Certainly I never would have made that choice or given the gift of who I am to a lesser man.

Sometimes, I think he forgets. He's a lovely person, a sweet and caring husband, and he can be an absolutely demanding master and sadist. In all that, I think he forgets sometimes that there are simpler joys in owning a sex slave, things less complicated than long scenes or multiple orgasm sessions.

There is pleasure to be had from me that doesn't require his energy to be expended beyond a bare minimum. I just want to make his life better. He takes such excellent care of me - really, I am a very very very spoiled girl. It wouldn't hurt him to take a little more from me, even if he doesn't hurt me in the process. Or even if he does. Either way, really.



At the same time, I know that sex trafficking is real. I know that there are women and girls out there in the world who have been born or sold or married into a lifetime ordeal of not having the choice of who experiences their bodies and who does not. I do what I can to support organizations that can help.

http://www.equalitynow.org/

17 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing this. I have had this recurring fantasy of being an unwilling sex slave and decided to play it out with my God, my husband for his most recent birthday. I had so much fun with it, it was frightening! I have just started to talk about that day in my blog.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your fantasy and the way it all played out was incredibly hot. :)

      Delete
  2. The fantasy works real well for me, but the reality is another thing. It COULD work in reality, if reality were different. Hee. It's great that you have a reality within which you can surrender yourself to your man, and know you are safe. I wish I did too, but I don't. At least not yet.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Reality is one of those things that you can either shape to your liking, or you're stuck with. Safety is a HUGE, HUGE thing and I am incredibly grateful that at the end of the day I do have that.

      Delete
  3. Glad you worked through your guilt at enjoying the concept and worked on your pleasure at being one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, sometimes it's a reluctant, grumpy sort of pleasure. :)

      Delete
  4. Oh the joy of finding yourself in history & literature! ... for me it was studying 'The Story of O' at university in a subject that looked at the limits between art, pornography, blasphemy and propaganda. I remember everyone was horrified in class discussion and all I could think was how much I wanted to be O :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, gosh, I know what you mean. Everyone's all like "this is awful!" and I'm thinking... .argh, it sounds pretty nice to me....

      Delete
  5. You know - I like it when you put thoughts to paper, you show a well developed process that is pretty enjoyable to read. :) I am wondering what you are asking for here? A little more connection? The whole - we can be submitted without it having to involve a production?

    Or are you asking for some creeping out into the other areas of your life as well? H and I were talking about that last night - is there a way to have it everywhere in parts, without being completely everywhere (because we still have to work and stuff)?

    What kind of connection would help you feel more centered?

    (Hey! It's like the old days, when I just asked questions all the time! :) )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for the compliments. :) If I can get a thought started I can usually develop it pretty well.

      As to what I am asking for - yeah, a little more connection. Maybe a few more blow jobs. More touching in general without me getting the sense he feels an obligation. He's wonderful, and I shouldn't complain that he feels a need to reciprocate - but he doesn't HAVE to.

      I think we're still finding our footing with the child routine - always in our room before we're properly ready to get out of bed, if you know what I mean. He's finally not coming to our room at night, so... there's progress. :)

      Delete
  6. When I first started exploring in this lifestyle, I found the concept of slavery and ownership uncomfortable. On Fetlife, you see all kinds of 18 year olds proclaiming themselves as slaves.

    Daddy and I started talking as spankos, came together as TTWD/DD spankos who liked some other things, became Daddy/little girl,and have gravitated to a point where I can proudly say that were we not D/lg, I could easily call him Master. I enjoy the concept of being owned completely by him.

    I have perhaps a unique view on it. I think we can have a submissive mindset, even be 'naturally submissive'. But I think that the concept of becoming enslaved to someone is dependent on our relationships and the trust that develops within them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm with you, absolutely. I know I wouldn't call myself a slave IN GENERAL regardless of the man who expected my submission. I had a longing to be enslaved, but not to any old asshat.

      I know, I had an asshat before this lovely man and he never heard the word "submit" come out of my mouth, though I was devoted to him. I knew he wasn't to be trusted with such tender and delicate parts of me.

      Delete
  7. I think what we always must remember is that we have a choice, and part of what thrills us is consentually giving over control.
    Guilt isn't always a bad thing, because it reminds us of those whose voice is castrated by crude lawlessness....we can fight for them though.

    Flip xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're right - the guilt serves a purpose in making sure I don't forget how incredibly lucky I am to have the choice. And another thing I am thankful for is my husband's company's matching donations policy. :)

      Delete
  8. You could be describing exactly my experience growing up. I felt the same way, and was so ashamed of those tingles and desires that I never brought it up to anyone. I never thought this was something that could actually come true.

    I love being a slave. I do love the long intense scenes, but you are right, the daily connections, when we don't have time for that, and he just grabs me and holds me by the wrist, or orders me to get him something, or tells me to lie on the floor so he can put his foot on me, that keeps our connection going all the time. It makes me feel good- the warm fuzzies!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes. Just hearing you talk about it gives me the warm fuzzies. :)

      Delete
  9. I just got done reading your article and story, and really enjoyed it, thank you. You can see some fun books at www.fun2readbooks.com where you can also hear the girls read the stories for the same price as a paperback book, but they are reading exotic sexy stories that will get you going!

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for reading. I hope you'll let me know you were here - I like friends!