Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Inspired by aisha.

There's a line from Our Lady Peace that I always remember when my world comes crashing down - as it tends to, by pattern.

"I'm upset, happiness is not a fish that you can catch."

It's a good song.

My husband and I have weathered quite a bit of tragedy. Our marriage has been the rock that we've clung to as the storms have passed us. He makes me happy. He makes me laugh even on days when I look in the mirror at my reddened, tear-streaked face and wish we didn't have mirrors.

This makes the fifth man who has died in our lives since our marriage, none of them from old age. A girl really could develop a complex. That's in addition to illnesses, friends completely stopping communication for no clear reason, fires wiping out property, burglaries, vandalism, etc.

People tend to see patterns where there are none - the universe isn't out to get me, I know. It's out to get everyone equally, some of us just get a little more of the fallout.

Happiness is not a fish that you can catch, but it is something you can court and keep it coming back. The crushing, painful, unbelievable blows the world deals out don't have to be the spring from which all your refreshment is obtained. The world also has happiness on tap, even if you can't catch it, mount it and put it on your wall. Those moments of good cheer - those are the ones you have to hang on to, and let all the other ones slip by, carried away by time.

I apologize for the string of mixed metaphors.

The sadness lingers in me. Each time something else sad happens, it's like the whole pile comes back all at once, like every bad thing has just happened all together, with no time in between.

However, the happiness comes back, not to be contained by the dreary, sad, forlorn state. It always comes back, even when it seems indecent to be happy.

I have a good life. I have a wonderful husband, awesome friends, a beautiful, brilliant child.

I won't ignore all of those things because awful things happen, keep happening. I will grieve, but I will not stop living. I will cling to my husband and we will come out stronger.

We will be happy again.


  1. That's the amazing thing though, no? That, despite the sadness and tragedy that somehow follows our every step, one can still find (every day) happiness. It shouldn't be taken for granted. It's a gift that makes us survive.

    1. It is amazing, and I'm very very grateful.

  2. Yes, you will be happy again. And in time the happy moments will outweigh the sad.

    1. The sad ones weigh more, but thankfully there are so many more happy ones.

  3. I'm glad I'm one of those people who can look back on life and the happy fun stuff is always highlighted in my mind, and the bad stuff is faded away, and some of it is somehow humorous in retrospect.

    1. I get that most of the time too. It's just at a down point when I look back and see all the other valleys.

  4. Beautifully said. And each time you emerge from the tragedy, there's new wisdom, and new strength, and new skill in finding the beauty and the happiness. At least that's how it's worked for me....



  5. Conina,
    I embrace the sadness. I open my arms, I wrap myself around it, I allow it to be with me. Once I have tucked it in, secured it, allowed it to find a home that is when I feel safe to let it go. To relax my grip, to release the tears and say thank you, good bye. I appreciate the pain because it only reinforces the joy and by accepting one, I accept the other.

    1. "The shadow proves the sunshine." Absolutely. Thankfully I'm in an environment where no one is telling me to get over it in a hurry.


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