Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Presence

Sex is not just two bodies colliding mindlessly until they happen to feel enough pleasure to stop.

It's about presence, and it's about intent, and, at least for us, it's about love.

Being there with what's happening is just as important as submitting to what's happening, and I have been excelling at being there for quite some time.

But what happens when I am distracted, when there are a million thoughts racing through my head and none of his caresses, none of the blows of the flogger, actually reach my essence? It is off planning a wiring diagram or wondering how we will ever finish the things we'd like to do - what happens?

Sometimes he may persist, drag me back through sheer force of his own not-inconsiderable will.

Sometimes, though, what happens is nothing at all. If I am not present, I cannot participate in play, in love, in sex. I may as well not be there at all.

Being present in the present is every bit as important as being willing to participate. If the body is willing but the spirit is off flying away somewhere already, there is no point.

Interestingly, the same goes for him. He sometimes sets himself on auto-pilot, and his essence is gone off on walkabout. Who knows what he's really thinking, but it certainly has nothing to do with me.

Here's the thing: we can both tell. Why bother pretending when both of us know?

Maybe we hope. We hope our wandering thoughts can be harnessed to do this thing that we actually quite enjoy. We have faith that eventually we will break through and our imaginations will be captured by what is actually going on rather than some imaginary plan for the future.

I am glad we both have faith, have hope - but most of all I am thankful that it isn't necessary so terribly often.

I am incredibly thankful for presence.

Happy new year, everyone.

24 comments:

  1. Very well said Conina :) Happy New Year, I hope it blesses everyone with the understanding and appreciation of presence in their life. I think it is something I will always strive to improve, never being satisfied with exactly where I am at with it.

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    1. It's important for so much more than sex - any kind of connection. I think striving for improvement can only be a good thing. :)

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  2. you know why you bother to go on? cos you believe.

    it's like when you're unhappy and you smile anyway. after a while the action triggers the emotion.

    sometimes i'm not present. but going thru the motions pulls me back and it's beautiful when it happens. but when it doesn't? we finish, go to bed, and then try again the next time.

    but like you said, I too am thankful it doesn't happen terribly often.

    blessings and best wishes for the coming year my friend!

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    1. Fake it til you make it is such a repeating theme in my life, I should really be used to it by now. :)

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  3. Great post Conina! If we're not present, then what does it really matter or accomplish? But, sometimes just going through the motions does help...kind of a fake it until you make it scenario I suppose. Happy New Year! :)

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    1. Exactly - but faking it only does me any good to a certain point - if I'm not pulling myself back into the present eventually via faking, I'll stop that too. :)

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  4. Amazing post!! Couldn't agree more, and I always try to be present. Just last night, in my post-New Year's Eve exhaustion, when he was kissing me, I felt that he was just doing it because he was too drunk to follow through on previous comments. And in the thought process, I drifted away from his actions. What was the point?

    Eventually the body commanded my undivided attention, but I don't want to Not Be Present for that long. And if I am present in every moment in my life, I will just be overall happier.

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    1. I am right there with you - working on being present, and have been for many many years now. :) Almost there.

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  5. a very timely post for us- thanks for sharing... so true!

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  6. Isn't that the truth...presence in the moment is so crucial. The mind is an amazing thing. I think it is one of the most critical things for women (can't speak to men - as I am not one) to arousal. Not being in the right frame of mind, having your mind wander, being distracted takes it from making love and having that amazing connection impossible.

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    1. If my head isn't there, neither is the rest of me. Forget desire - I don't even have an arousal response to the physical stimuli. It's very very interesting.

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  7. I have found trying to be present is counterproductive. There doesn't seem to be any simple recipe for staying in the present, it has to just happen. Some things help, such as sex, sudden local drama, sight of the night sky; but most of the time I am separated from the present by my thoughts and by my reactions to what is happening.

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    1. Yeah - that's the funny thing about presence, isn't it? If you're trying to be present, you're thinking too much about the whole thing. Excellent point.

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  8. I agree. Well said. We try to pick a time when there are no distractions and we are both in the present.

    Very thoughtful post. Thanks.

    Happy New Year,
    joey

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    1. It's getting rid of those distractions that's the problem. :)

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  9. I love that you seem to start up in the middle of a thought here and yes, you can tell when the other one is not there, and it is hard not to be hurt in that moment because well, any perceived slight during sex is amplified.

    A worthy PSA.

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    1. Lots of thoughts drifting through my head, so it's not hard to start in the middle of one. (and lots of people always drifting by behind me - can you say disorienting?)

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  10. Very well put! I definitely agree with this.

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  11. i find we have to reconnect first in non overtly sexy ways - talking, basically. and not about sex. Just talking, without any interruptions, so in the bath, or snuggled in bed. just about the day, or the kids, or particular problems that are going on for either of us...

    theres a sort of decompression, then we're back on the same wavelenght, then we're back in business. if you see what i mean ;-)

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    1. Yeah, I get that. There's a conversation that has to happen, for refocus. :) (I'm woefully late with this response)

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  12. My s/o says you can't always be 100%. Sometimes 60% is all you are going to get. I find 60% is not much fun... ;(
    houston_switch

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    1. houston_switch, a dear relative of mine always used to say that "can't's a coward, too lazy to try."

      So, it may be difficult to always be 100% present, but... 60% is certainly lacking enough enjoyment to try and shoot for it. :)

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