Friday, October 28, 2011


I had a brief fantasy session, and I told him I had. He asked me what I was thinking while I touched myself.

I responded coyly "Wouldn't you like to know?"

"Well, yes, I would." What an annoying thing it must be to hear "wouldn't you like to know?" when you've clearly just asked to be told something.

"Dirty things." That's about as far as I could get before my internal censors kicked in and I would have blushed to speak beyond that. Thankfully he didn't push.

"Probably dirtier things than I ever do to you, huh?"

A brief moment of confusion settled on me. Why would he be thinking such a thing? "Not really,"

Once, not so very very long ago, I might have truthfully told him yes. I regularly fantasized about things far, far darker than I would ever want done to me: irrevocably hurtful words, damaging actions. Knives, skewers, blood, struggling, genuine nonconsent, burns made regular appearances. These things would rise up from my subconscious unbidden and turn me on without my request or permission. When I had them, those types of fantasies almost always culminated in my being "rescued" by my husband, loved, cherished despite the (sometimes severe) damage. When they didn't end like that, my demise would be assumed.

I don't really do that anymore. My fantasies usually start with some moment of reality and just expand it in its most natural form, although sometimes they force a single five-second interaction in reality to last for the entire session. Sometimes those five seconds are just that hot.

So were those darker fantasies required by me to get somewhere I get now with more ease, more regularity in my submission? Have I grown out of them? I never considered really wanting those things; they were meant to stay firmly within my head as extremes. But it appears I don't even need them there anymore.

Maybe I love myself more now.


  1. Maybe it's because you have found a safe environment (D/s) for experiencing what you needed when you had those "dangerous" fantasies in the first place. Though, if that's the reason, it would raise the question if non-submissive women also harbor those fantasies as frequently as submissive ones do. Do they?

  2. I'm not good at answering questions like that either. If my man asks me, "What do you think about when you fantasize?" I say, "You." If he wants more details he kind of has to ask yes or no questions. I'm very shy with words when it comes to things like that.

  3. BlackberryTasteIc: The thing is, our entire marriage has been coming from a D/s place. We've both always known I am submissive. No doubt his acceptance of that and greater understanding that have come with the years have affected me, though.

    You do raise an interesting question, though - but I am clearly in no place to answer it.

    t1klish: It's so hard! I could write him pages and pages of my fantasies if he wanted, and willingly show them to him. But to talk about them for 2 minutes? Gah.


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