Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Pressed into pressing: my husband as Dom

My awesome fellow blogger maui girl feels she's lacking submissive counterparts with vanilla husbands; submissive women who struggle with their husband's overly-kind version of niceness. I boggled at this. Surely, my husband was as vanilla as anyone.


When we started seeing each other, I was already aware of my submissive nature, although we were both quite young. Our online chat sessions involved a lot of him calling me his plaything and me asking for his permission for a lot of things - but only after I'd explained this as my kink. He would even use me during our visits beyond my requests to stop before we had any PIV sex, before we were married. He wouldn't do anything he knew he shouldn't, but he pushed with the things he knew we were okay with. I vividly remember a string of unrelenting orgasms while I could do nothing but spasm and beg him to please, please stop. He didn't. I think I counted twelve of them... that was over ten years ago.

Once we were married and he had relocated to be with me forever, it was almost like someone hit a reset button. Kink almost disappeared. As a first anniversary gift he did the sweetest thing: he had bought me a bunch of little things that signified events during our first year as a married couple, and he gave them to me in a little presentation that explained what each one meant. At the end he said "And later, we'll have sex." to which I responded, "We have sex quite a bit." And he said "But not that special kind of sex that you like to have.."

I laughed it off a bit, told him that was okay. It felt a little fake to me, you know?

But later, when he, true to his word, tied me to our bed and had his way with me, it didn't feel fake anymore.

Years passed, with special occasion domination. I'd buy toys, show them to him, put them away. He never touched them. Okay, once in a great while, on a "special occasion." This isn't to say we didn't have awesome sex - we were enjoying each other quite thoroughly in a vanilla way. We'd play "games" sometimes, take on roles for weird scenarios I'd come up with. I even tried topping him - it felt wrong the way I did it. Not respectful enough, I suppose. I've done it a few times since then and it works really well - I've grown up a bit, know more what makes me tick and what turns us both on.. but still, I'm happier when I'm the bottom. It is to say that he saw it as a special way to turn me on a lot, rather than what I desperately needed to feel fulfilled. Sex, regularly, on his terms. PLEASE.

We had our child, and coslept as we both felt that was what was most natural and right, so while the baby was very very young we came up with interesting positions that wouldn't disturb the sleeping little'un, but D/s was still held to words whispered in my ear. Sweetie-head became a slightly older child, and started spending the night with my mom once a week, so we had once a week open for louder, more rambunctious play.

We also felt a lot less comfortable about having sex with Sweetie-head in the bed with us, so our sexual encounters became once a week things, or when we could steal an hour or two with my mom as willing babysitter. I would get grumpy when a week would pass with no sex - I wouldn't even want sex at the end of it. I started talking to him about it. I told him my heat cannot go out completely, or it takes a hell of a long time to get it started again. When we have sex once week and then cold turkey, no sexual anything beyond that, I'm just not interested. Seriously, it would take me over an hour of play just to begin to get turned on at this point. My head wasn't in the right place. I told him I was like a fire - he needs to poke me several times a day to keep my embers alight, then it won't be so hard to get the fire burning brightly again. It wouldn't take much: a whispered word, a random hug, a sneaky grope, a press of the throat, a sensual kiss. Just a little.. poke.

My preference of course would be to just keep the fire going, but at the time this wasn't doable. He heard me when I told him this, but he would easily just.. forget. He loves me absolutely, but this was hard for him. He didn't understand. I had to explain it to him several times, and write him a letter or two.

Eventually we got our kid to sleep in his own bed for most of the night. Regular sexual romps resumed after 2 years. We were also busy busy doing all kinds of other things, his work, my work, gardening, house renovations x 3, my cooking, my baking, computer fixing for friends, just plain raising our child. But we started having sex more. Not as much as I maybe would have liked, but more. And he started dominating me more regularly in the bedroom. One of those sessions led to badness, when I was so far under in my submissive cloud that I did not safeword for him when he ripped my ass. It took months and months to heal, and every single day I was reminded of that rough, rough fucking. I won't lie; it turned me on a little that he damaged me so badly, though I didn't enjoy waiting so long for it to heal and not being able to enjoy anal pleasures in the mean time. He was a little frightened off by the fact that I let him, I think, and he backed way, way off.

Now, as for how he suddenly "clicked." With all of this.

I do want to be absolutely clear. What I have is not what many people describe as 24/7 D/s. However, there are certain things he expects and he will punish me for failing. I also often practice "stealth submission," wherein I do things for him, for his pleasure, because it makes me happy, but not necessarily at his request. He expects me to listen to him and to answer when he talks - which I am happy to do, but sometimes I'm distracted by something and I just.. don't hear him at all. We love each other very very deeply, and he is just never actually angry at anything I do, ever (I think I've seen him truly angry at something like..5 times since I've known him). So sometimes he makes up things to punish me for - like this one. It goes toward respecting him, which I do, but gives him a valid reason to punish me, which he knows I need sometimes. It gives our lives an element of D/s without all the hassle and micromanaging and whatever else.

We moved. His job situation changed quite suddenly and dramatically and completely unexpectedly (in a good way, mostly), and we've moved far, far away from everything I have ever known and every person I've ever loved, besides him and our child and my mom, who has come with us. Suddenly I, who had been such a vital and alive, active, well-loved, deliriously happy person, was just a shell of my former self and I pretty much just had him to cling to. I had tons and tons of interests and activities back home, now I just had pretty much the one thing: sex. I could still bake/cook, but was largely too depressed to even begin to be motivated to do those things. I started writing him more letters (we've always communicated well via text - hence the marriage!), which he would read and then talk about with me.

In those letters, I described all the things that he was doing right, and the things I really needed from him - his desires carried out on my person, mostly, but more so, him to have desires in the first place. He's a simple kind of man. He fantasizes about orgasms, or breasts, or something so vanilla. Maybe not very submissive of me, but I needed more than that. I needed my mind blown, something to hang onto, to bring me back to life. I needed lots and lots of kinky sex, damn it. Needed it like I've never needed anything. And he obliged. I've described many of those events here on this blog.

After one session, he pointed out that I've never used a safeword, ever. I pointed out that except for that one time, I've never ever needed to. He said he'd do all he could to make sure I never did, and he held me close. I've also explained to him that he can't necessarily depend on me to safeword, because I may just want anything at a certain point in my headspace.

It worked. I'm not depressed. I feel fulfilled despite still missing my friends and my seeming inability to find any here in this new place. I'm so, so happy with him, I glow in the mornings and I long to suck his cock on every one of them, even though it doesn't always happen. I do occasionally feel I would be a better partner if I interacted with more people - but at least I have all you lovely bloggers.

I described a "click" moment on someone else's blog earlier today.  A couple of months ago, one of my hairs got caught on something on him, and he accidentally pulled it out. I complained, "ouch!" and he responded "I'm sorry.... but I suppose if I'd really wanted to do that, you'd have let me, huh?"

DING DING DING, WE HAVE A WINNER!

That's what it sounded like in my head when he said it. God help me, if he wanted to pull every fucking hair in my head out one by one, I'd bloody well let him. Yes. Or I'd give it a very good trying at, anyway.

He still doesn't like many of the things maui girl's husband does - the bondage for one. He doesn't like expending all that effort to tie me up. I think it  was subtle who said "Why tie her up when you can just tell the bitch to stay and she will?" He echoes that sentiment pretty much. I had cuffs on our old bed, but he used them rarely. Once a month or so? Seemed rather pointless, though it was hot when he did use them... so maybe not.

He gets it now. He really does.

But it took a lot of letters and a lot of talking to get him there. And a lot of focus on the topic. Not just writing a letter and sending it off and not ever commenting on it and expecting things to get better - which is what I did for the first few years. I don't recommend stripping everything else away and sinking deep into a bog of despair to shake your husband out of his vanilla tree, but it worked for me!

12 comments:

  1. From the title to the very end, this is a simply magnificent post, Conina! You give much hope to those subs out there who are struggling through the difficulty of submission-sans-(natural born) Dom.

    Great story and I'm so glad you shared it with us! :)

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  3. Baby Girl: Thanks for the kind words - you're very sweet. I'll be glad if I can help just one person.

    maui girl: Anything for a request. :)

    Yeah, it was a struggle at first just after we moved. He kept trying to understand, asking questions and talking to me, and I kept writing to him - it's not that he'd ever been against it, he just really hadn't known how much I needed to regularly submit. He wanted to do everything he could to help me be at peace here in this place, removed from everything that ever made me, me.

    We've only been here a few months. The focus on the D/s aspect of our relationship that moving allowed me was definitely the silver lining on the cloud.

    You keep throwing the coconuts. He'll come down. :)

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  4. When I think back over my life, I've moved 13 times, including during childhood, and every single time it was because of some dramatic unpleasant goings on in life. So I've never just said to myself, hey, time for a change!

    BUT, even though all those moves were forced by unpleasant circumstances, I've always enjoyed moving. I love the empty new place before I put my stuff in it, and then I love putting my stuff in it, deciding where everything should go, putting it in place, making plans to do things a bit differently in the new place with the new life.

    I've felt this way every single time I've moved.

    So I'm not surprised that moving would inspire change in this particular aspect of your life.

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  5. "Why tie her up when you can just tell the bitch to stay and she will?"

    Himself has the same approach. And I get very turned on when he tells me to get in a position and stay there no matter what. But. But. BUT, I love being restrained. It may not be needed to keep me in place, but it is needed on occasion to scratch that itch. Just putting on my cuffs, whether he uses them or not, is a turn-on, as a symbol of his ownership, but it's So Much Better when he actually uses them. Doesn't happen as often as I would like, but it does happen often enough to keep me happy. :)

    Have you ever stopped and listened to what you're saying and thought "??!?!??!!!??" LOL

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    1. I am with you. I love the feeling of tugging against my restraints, being genuinely physically helpless, unable to get away.

      I have often had that experience where I am like "am I really saying this??" :)

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    2. This goes hand in hand with trust though - without the trust I have in him I wouldn't enjoy that feeling anymore.

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