Wednesday, October 26, 2011

In which I call him names and curse at him

He was holding me in bed, his chin resting on my shoulder, rubbing my arm and back, mostly silent. Long silences punctuated with words, a stilted conversation. He wanted to heal my pain, to fix it.

"I wish I'd stayed home." I snapped when he asked me to talk to him.

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."

"Two days isn't that much."

"Fuck you." As an aside, I do not ever talk to him like this, though this conversation had more than its share.


"I don't understand. You knew I'd have to leave you eventually."

Long silence.

"I don't know what the fuck you're even talking about."

Fairly short silence.

"You know, when we go back home and I have to come back here."

"I knew I could go with you then....... idiot." As if he'd really not considered that would be my choice.

"You could go with me now."

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because no one presented that to me as an option, fuckhole!"

Long, long, long silence. Maybe ten minutes.

"I didn't think you'd like it."

More silence.

"I'm sorry for being a fuckhole."

I laughed, painfully. "I'm sorry for calling you a fuckhole."

"I deserved it."

"You did deserve it. Why do you have to be such an ass anyway?"

"I just.. kind of am. You choose not to see it often. You like to think I'm perfect."

"I know you're not perfect. But you're not really an ass."

He pulled me close to him, squeezing me, telling me he didn't try to be an ass and this was most definitely not his preferred method of hurting me. We made love, the snuggly, kissy, boring (not to us!) kind with lots of little orgasms for me. Afterward I explained to him it hurt me how unaffected he seemed to be by the whole thing. He told me:

"That's just my optimism. When bad things are going to happen I try not to dwell on them when I could be enjoying myself with my amazing wife. Then while they're happening I just try to survive them, then when they're over I don't look back at them because I could be enjoying myself with my amazing wife, until all that's there to look back at anymore is lovely evenings with my amazing wife."

Every time he said "amazing," he squeezed me.

"You're really not an ass." I told him, snuggling into him as far as possible.

This morning he sent me his flight information and I bought myself a ticket to go with him. My mom said she'd watch our munchkin.

His manager said it was fine if I went as long as we paid, but he wouldn't have time to see the city.

We never assumed he would.

Disaster turned into adventure! Who'd've thunk it?


  1. That's fantastic, lady! See, i'm trying to change my philosophy like that. Used to be a real downer,, when life gives me lemons....i add Vodka. LOL!!!

    Have a fun time. Mini vacay!!!

  2. I would've gotten a major punishment if I talked to Daddy that way, lol!

    Glad you're going with your hubby, though:)!


  3. pepper: It's a couple of weeks from now, but we're actually quite looking forward to the alone time, now!

    Kitty: It's entirely possible that I would have too, had my curses been coming from a different place or had my tone been different. This was mostly sheer frustration coming out as language, and not directed at him as much as it might sound like.

    All that said, I still regret calling him names. Not due to our dynamic or any punishment that might be forthcoming, but because he genuinely deserves more respect from me than that, and was trying his best to make it all better.

  4. I'm wondering if your love language is "time"?

    Mine is, and that is why I also react with such anger and hurt when my Dom gets taken away due to his job. When he went on his first business trip I had anxiety before he left and caused a fight as soon as he got back. :(

  5. Sexperts: Physical touch, followed closely by quality time definitely. Words of affirmation would be the other one I have to have. The last two aren't even on my radar. I read that book ages ago; thanks for the callback to it. The only other time we were separated since our marriage I didn't cause a fight after, but I was very standoffish for much longer than I would have liked.

    I'm sorry you feel the same way; but in a way glad it's not just me.


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