Saturday, October 1, 2011

Topping from the bottom

I am a submissive woman. I want to please my husband more than I want anything else - but I'm still a person, despite my extreme turn-on by being objectified and used.

That very turn-on is part of my personhood.

I am a person in a monogamous, long-term, loving relationship in which my husband wants me happy as much as I want him happy. It's just a bonus for him (most of the time) that him using me is one of the things that keeps me happy.

So, if there's a thing that I think will make our dynamic better, hotter, stronger, because it will ignite the submissive part of me more, I tell him. I don't demand things; if he did it solely because I wanted it then it would take the heat out of it. But I do let him know, regularly, how hot this thing would be to me and how much I'd like to try it. If he does it, I think it is because arousing me gets him hot, rather than that he thinks 'the thing' will turn him on, but it's still because he wants to.

The morning cocksucking thing is a good example. I've been telling him how hot I think that would be for a few months now. He is a nice guy, really, the nicest guy I've ever met. The thought of waking me up just to suck his cock unsettled him enough that it wasn't even a turn-on for him to have it done. But if I'm already clearly awake and frisky (not groggy), he has no problem telling me to do it, he enjoys it immensely and it leaves him no work to do except hold my head the way I love so much. That just means that in order to submit to him, I must wake up and be alert. The last thing I want is him unsettled in order to turn me on, so I don't need him to wake me. I need to submit to him. I need that absolute dominance, my throat full of cock, unable to breathe, able only to please him with my mouth.

Just like any relationship, there's compromise. He can't read my mind. He's just a man. He thrives on my responses to what he does to me. He didn't come into this on his own; I was and am his first everything, and it has been a long journey, but he is Dominant. He just happens to be my Dominant, tailor made to everything that gets inside my head and arouses me. The things he does are designed to titillate me, and we both know that. While he would not want to go back to vanilla, he would have been fine staying there.

I know not every Dom/me is like that. I know often enough they have their own things, and forcing a sub to do those things even  if he/she doesn't really want to will still turn the sub on. It would me as well, if there was a thing he wanted me to do to that I didn't want. It has, the few times he has insisted on such a thing.

But, surely, any Dom/me (in a relationship) worth his/her salt wants to know what goes on inside their sub's head - wants to know those keys to the innermost desires that will turn that sub into a molten puddle of goo, or at least a malleable lump of putty. Every set of people is different, but the top side has to be more difficult, getting inside the bottom's head, figuring out what works and what doesn't. The explicit details of "this will work and this won't" have to be like gold. Again, people not = mind readers.

Of course, I would never suggest "you don't want to do that to me" or "you do want to do that to me" during a scene, or even say such things directly otherwise. As I mentioned, that spoils the entire thing. Beyond this, "topping from the bottom" seems a moot point to me. I see it as open communication and loving desire to make everything work better - to oil the works, so to speak.


  1. i'm told that asking for what i want more than once is topping from the bottom...i don't know about that, but i do occasionally nag. does that count?

    you've got a special relationship with your Man, lady. What a treasure!

  2. Maybe that might make sense, IF the men in our lives were perfect, or had perfect memories. I know for sure mine does not. He doesn't even start to begin to think about remembering something until he's heard it several times - the first time he passes it off as a lark, something I say to titillate. Subsequent times, he might store it away as something to mention/use later, or he might forget it entirely. We're busy people, we have lives. Things get in the way. I can't expect him to remember every flight of fancy I might have.

    I do consciously avoid a "Why don't you ever..." kind of approach, because that just makes him feel like crap and a Dominant (or lover) who feels like crap is no good to anyone.

    I'm a lucky girl, I know. :)

  3. The approach I take with Grace is, if she asks for it to occur, try it once. Even if I know its probably going to be a train wreck. For me, its a chance to test her boundaries as well as to see if I've correctly gauged something about her. For her it helps better define what her fantasies are vs the things she really wants done. The Dom, even us overprotective types, are in a no lose situation then. If you're right we've lost nothing in testing it and gained more information as well as a possible new tool. If we're right... is there anything really better then lording that over a sub?

  4. Duality - That's perfect. I love your take on things. Ignoring someone doesn't make their desires go away, but trying it once and it turning out to be a train wreck certainly would.

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  6. Thankyou for this post. This is very much how it is for us, I've been the instigator of the exploration of D/s that we're now engaging in... Which sometimes makes me feel uncertain and unsure. But this post was excellent, made me feel much more conent and confident if that makes sense!

  7. mamacrow: I'm so happy to hear that! I think if there's one theme I hear more than anything, it's that everyone has those uncertain and unsure moments. But as long as you're both happy with whatever you're doing, I think it's fabulous.


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