What do you want?

Sometimes, I have to suppress the urge to clean out the "toy" drawer, to take them all and toss them.

Sometimes I think my husband would be just fine with no sex at all.

I do my best to remain positive in every aspect of my life, but some things wear me down. My mom is constantly, constantly taking everything I do the wrong way, the most insulting way, while not saying anything until she has stewed in her own juices far past the point of my making any sort of amends. My husband has no desires for anything at all. No, really. I tell him we can do whatever he wants, even if what he wants is to play video games until 2 in the morning or watch TV and eat popcorn - but he doesn't actually want to do anything with me. He senses that I get irritated and then he tries to come up with something, but honestly, seriously, he doesn't want to do anything with me, not specifically. He's perfectly happy with the two of us coexisting, doing separate things on our computers across the room. If I leave the room, he objects, but as long as I sit somewhere he can see me if he chooses to look over he's fiiine.



I actually closed my netbook to test my hypothesis. I waited, staring into space, bored out of my mind, trying to turn it into something...focus, meditation, anything, but I was just bored. Long, long minutes passed. He didn't notice, doing whatever he was doing. My mom came out, got herself something to drink, asked me what I was doing, I spoke to her briefly, she left again, I still sat here. He, jolted by her appearance, started up a show for us to watch together, then came over to me and told me to watch it with him. I went, we watched it. I asked him if he wanted to watch another episode. He... didn't know what he wanted to do. Fuck, I thought. Just fuck it all. I said I would go and bathe while he thought about it. I came back, he was back to his laptop. He works on that thing all day at work. I wasn't gone very long. I'm pretty sure he put no thought whatsoever into it. Just, yay she's gone, I can do this thing now!


I'd have no problem with that if it's what he actively said he wanted to do. But shit, this. This is something else.

He then asked me a list of things: "Do you want to go to bed?" "Do you want to watch something?" "Do you want to play a game with me?" No, no, no no no no no! JUST NO.

"I don't want you to ask me these questions," I responded, tersely. I'd be happy to do any of those things with him, or any others. But I want him to want it!

As an aside, it's not just me. I know it's not just me. It's just how he is. His parents have been desperately trying to get him to want to do something with them, and while he goes along happily with whatever they want, he's not guiding anything.

Now, he's getting all antsy about me sitting here going tappety tap tap, and telling me to come to bed with him. I purposely push, telling him I'm busy. He wanders off, not really giving a damn, just having wanted to appear to make an effort. I hear him clipping his nails.

I am going, because I enjoy his company

I am going, because I am his, whatever that even means to him.

I try to make his life easier. I know this stubborn, pouting, rebelliousness is not the way to do that. But sometimes, some nights are worse than others and I just want to lean. I sometimes feel like I just need to grow up and take responsibility for my own desires, but it's so hard when my own desires involve another person wanting something.

I don't usually struggle like this. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. I know it. I love him, and he me. I have blessings beyond my ability to count.

I'm shouldn't whine. I hate whiners. I'm sorry for whining. But a vent, yes. I'll try and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I am going.