Friday, October 14, 2011

What do you want?

Sometimes, I have to suppress the urge to clean out the "toy" drawer, to take them all and toss them.

Sometimes I think my husband would be just fine with no sex at all.

I do my best to remain positive in every aspect of my life, but some things wear me down. My mom is constantly, constantly taking everything I do the wrong way, the most insulting way, while not saying anything until she has stewed in her own juices far past the point of my making any sort of amends. My husband has no desires for anything at all. No, really. I tell him we can do whatever he wants, even if what he wants is to play video games until 2 in the morning or watch TV and eat popcorn - but he doesn't actually want to do anything with me. He senses that I get irritated and then he tries to come up with something, but honestly, seriously, he doesn't want to do anything with me, not specifically. He's perfectly happy with the two of us coexisting, doing separate things on our computers across the room. If I leave the room, he objects, but as long as I sit somewhere he can see me if he chooses to look over he's fiiine.

I actually closed my netbook to test my hypothesis. I waited, staring into space, bored out of my mind, trying to turn it into something...focus, meditation, anything, but I was just bored. Long, long minutes passed. He didn't notice, doing whatever he was doing. My mom came out, got herself something to drink, asked me what I was doing, I spoke to her briefly, she left again, I still sat here. He, jolted by her appearance, started up a show for us to watch together, then came over to me and told me to watch it with him. I went, we watched it. I asked him if he wanted to watch another episode. He... didn't know what he wanted to do. Fuck, I thought. Just fuck it all. I said I would go and bathe while he thought about it. I came back, he was back to his laptop. He works on that thing all day at work. I wasn't gone very long. I'm pretty sure he put no thought whatsoever into it. Just, yay she's gone, I can do this thing now!

I'd have no problem with that if it's what he actively said he wanted to do. But shit, this. This is something else.

He then asked me a list of things: "Do you want to go to bed?" "Do you want to watch something?" "Do you want to play a game with me?" No, no, no no no no no! JUST NO.

"I don't want you to ask me these questions," I responded, tersely. I'd be happy to do any of those things with him, or any others. But I want him to want it!

As an aside, it's not just me. I know it's not just me. It's just how he is. His parents have been desperately trying to get him to want to do something with them, and while he goes along happily with whatever they want, he's not guiding anything.

Now, he's getting all antsy about me sitting here going tappety tap tap, and telling me to come to bed with him. I purposely push, telling him I'm busy. He wanders off, not really giving a damn, just having wanted to appear to make an effort. I hear him clipping his nails.

I am going, because I enjoy his company

I am going, because I am his, whatever that even means to him.

I try to make his life easier. I know this stubborn, pouting, rebelliousness is not the way to do that. But sometimes, some nights are worse than others and I just want to lean. I sometimes feel like I just need to grow up and take responsibility for my own desires, but it's so hard when my own desires involve another person wanting something.

I don't usually struggle like this. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. I know it. I love him, and he me. I have blessings beyond my ability to count.

I'm shouldn't whine. I hate whiners. I'm sorry for whining. But a vent, yes. I'll try and make sure it doesn't happen again.

I am going.


  1. A well-timed vent is always a good idea, C! I am sooo sorry that his inertia is getting to you, and I am sending you BIG hugs...

    I wish I had some great advice at this point, but I don't think that you need or want any advice right just need to get it out, have your rant, and release that negative energy. And, if this is the case, I'm sure that you're well on your way to feeling better! :)

    I hope you have a great rest of your weekend! :)

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  4. We men can be oblivious at times. There were times in high school where myself and my buddies would sit around and ask one another "What do you want to do?" "I don't know, what do you want to do?". Seriously, we can be dense and in fact usually are. Talk to him. Tell him what's driving you crazy, but give him a crutch. Ask what you can do to help him. Should you be a brat and force him to react or you could go the route that if he wants to do something with you but doesn't know what that something could be to order you to think of something to do with him that would please him.

    Men also have a tendency to listen to a rant and try to fix things when all the woman really wants is to vent. if I've done that, let's just pretend I added a "You go girl" to the chorus instead shall we? :)

  5. Oh, dear. i hope you feel better, now that you've vented. It's always better to get those kinds of feelings out; letting them fester only makes it worse. Remember the long road you've taken, to get to the place where you are? It's just another step; my Husband has a hard time being the only one to make decisions fact, He'll often order me to make the decision for both of us. i hope you and your Man are able to work this love each other too much to let it be a thorn for long.
    Good Luck!

  6. You guys rock. Thanks to all of you for your encouragement and support.

    Baby Girl: I'm better - venting and then getting what was coming to me and then talking to him after saved him from the brunt of my frustration.

    maui girl: I did talk to him this morning.

    Duality: Your perspective is so valuable to me. I know that whole "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" scenario. The frustrating thing is, I could have planned the evening out perfectly and we'd have both enjoyed ourselves far more. I did exactly what you suggested.

    I try not to rant without just cause. :) Thanks so much for the advice.

    pepper: That sounds a lot like my guy. I think he just doesn't want to do something I'll wind up being ambivalent about. Thanks!

  7. This one made me think.

    I regard myself as somewhat similar to the way you described your husband. I can be a very passive person. I don't like the sound of it, but it's true. I can pretty much spend all day on my computer (or read or do whatever) and be fine, even when someone else is close by. If that person were to ask if we wanted to do something, I'd probably agree and be happy with the outcome as well. It's not that I don't care about what I do or that I don't have my preferences in general, but a lot of the time that certain inner drive just isn't there. I sometimes do feel it, and I'm excited when it happens, but that generally just isn't me. Without wanting to sound like Freud or going into it, I do believe that at least in my case it has to do with my childhood/parents.

    Either way, what I'm trying to say is this: I understand that you're frustrated by that kind of behavior, but you should know that, maybe, he is frustrated by it as well (I apologize if that's not the case). Of course I can only speak for myself, but even though I'm content in a moment of passiveness, I'm furious at me at the same time. I haven't found a way out yet.

    (I'm sorry if this didn't make any sense.)

  8. BlackberryTasteIc: I think a lot of his passivity has to do with his parents as well. All of their children kind of bounced around in life until they found some external directing force.

    I think you're also right about his inner voice. I mostly accept that that's just him - some days it's harder than others. It's difficult to submit to someone who doesn't actually seem to want anything. His general awesomeness in life helps a lot though, and as long as I don't dwell we're golden.

    Thanks for this awesome comment!

  9. Well, it seems that he kind of does know what he wants in the bedroom and is able to take the reins when he senses that you need it. Isn't that what it's all about?

  10. Yes, absolutely.

    Then there's being forced to watch Jon Pertwee's Doctor. Pure submission (so far.)

  11. This one made me laugh. I haven't watched any Doctor Who though, so I can't judge :-)


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