Saturday, October 29, 2011


Say it with me. Feel how it rolls off the tongue.

I read this word in a post, and I have always been a fan of the word "libidinous," but to add the -ness suffix to it? Sheer brilliance! I started this post with this topic before I had any actual material to put here. Handily, life handed me some lemons, so I'll make a post with them.

Stack, post, whatever.
We were snuggling and having a lovely chat about our relationship, he was holding me in circle of his arms, my head was on his chest, his leg was tossed casually and yet possessively over my hip. I was in my happy place, his hand stroked the back of my head, and we talked. Then, the question came, lighthearted enough, genuine curiosity on his part.

"So, if it was up to you, how much sex would you have?"

"Well... honestly? Slightly more than twice per day, on average. But it depends what your definition of sex is. Does a morning blow job count as sex to you?"

"Not really."

"It does to me."

"Oh. Hm. That's interesting."

"So, then, if it were up to you, and it is, how much sex would you have?"

"Hm. Five to seven times a week."

"Well I can see that working admirably, since you don't count blow jobs." I snuggled against him happily.

Up to this point it was just a healthy conversation between two people in love, feeling out our mutual libidinousness. But here his face changed, he grimaced a little. "I... just like to leave room for being sick, or too tired." The expression passed, but it had impressed itself on me.

"It's just an average, love. No one's holding you to anything."

"I know, How do I say this without it sounding awful?"

"Just say it?" I laughed.

"It's like... it's like a theater performance that you do every day. You enjoy it, but it's exhausting, and sometimes you just need a break."
Life is a Cabaret, indeed.
So I said "Oh, my." The slightest inkling that he might feel like that hadn't ever occurred to me, seriously.

I buried my face against his chest, he held my head. "'Oh, my' what?"

"Just oh, my."

At this point we had created a double bind out of a previously promising night. I had feelings of rejection and worthlessness racing through me and I couldn't do anything about it. It hurt. I knew that wasn't what he'd intended, knew it to my core. I still couldn't do anything about it.

Now, no matter what he did, I would be hurt. If he proceeded to make love to me or flog me or otherwise play with me from here, I would feel he was doing it out of obligation and it would hurt. If he went ahead and fell asleep, my feelings of worthlessness would be verified and that would hurt. We could have talked, except my inner turmoil pretty much shut down my speech centers and the best I could manage was a noncommittal grunt. He literally could do nothing right by me, and I hated myself in that moment for being the person to put us both in that situation.

Unfortunately, he did a little of everything. He fell asleep for a bit, then he woke up asking "Didn't I promise you a beating?" and then he flogged me, and then he used the Pure Wand/his hand on me until I orgasmed so many times I lost count. It was good. It was really, really good. But I couldn't experience it fully because the whole damn time I was just thinking "like a theater performance."

I cried afterward, feeling like a lousy submissive, a terrible wife, an awful partner of any kind. He gathered me into his arms, asking me if he'd done something wrong.

"No," I sniffled. "I just hate myself."

"Oh, baby." He stroked my back comfortingly. "Don't hate yourself. You're awesome. I like seeing you get turned on, getting you worked up, and giving you orgasms."

That's the kicker. That's the hard thing to deal with. Causing me pleasure causes him pleasure. I don't know why I can't wrap my brain around it, because the reverse is certainly true.

"I'd do anything for you." I murmured against his chest.

Even have lots and lots of orgasms.

Whether I like it or not.


  1. You're on my page now, lady, and i'll tell ya...when that happens, all you can do is get past it and don't look back. Words are often inadequate for the expression of emotion, and though the right ones surely exist, the sheer volume of them can make it hard to find the right ones.

    You know how much He loves you, just be comforted in that and don't dwell on the words.

    (((hugs for you.)))

  2. You shouldn't feel bad. Honestly. Put yourself in his shoes for a second. You love for him to hurt you. That's not something in his nature so it takes a certain amount of will to overcome that and to perform in a scene. Think about you hurting him every day at least once a day. Imagine having to balance how much pain you inflict. Its not easy.

    What he's going through is Top Drop. I go through it too from time to time. And I think you may have misinterpreted his theater remark. You focused on the acting aspect of it. That's not what he meant I don't think. Its more about the grind that actors do when they are performing in a show. Think Broadway where they are performing twice a day for six days a week, if not sometimes more. For those who love it, its a thrill. But it can also be a grind that wears you down.

    You're not bad and what he's going through is normal. My suggestion is when he gets into that headspace, find a softer energy. Nothing with an edge. Something like just doing all the work yourself. Grace and I fall back onto ageplay when I get like that and it works well. But its not for everyone. Just mentioning it to give you an idea of what angle you might try.

    Anyway, there's my two cents on what you wrote. Again, you're not bad. Its normal, I promise.

  3. The thing about wanting this kind of stuff is that it's so easy to feel judged. Once we feel judged, even if we know that wasn't the intention, it's nigh impossible to let go.

    I also get caught up in that thought process of, "This wasn't meant to hurt me, but it hurts anyway. What do I do with that?" and I don't have a good answer. I usually withdraw and try to move past it on my own.

    I usually chalk this sort of thing up to crossed wires. If it is really bothering one or both of you, though, it does need to be revisited. I hope you get everything sorted out soon.

  4. I really appreciate the feedback/sympathy.

    pepper: I know it. I try really hard not to dwell on the words, but sometimes my brain doesn't comply.

    Duality: I know. I do know. He's asked me before: "What if I wanted you to hurt me?" I don't think I could do it. I've topped him before, and that actually worked fairly well, but there was no pain for him in it. I knew he was referring to the grind, but my emotions weren't connected to my logic circuits at that moment.

    I appreciate the suggestion a lot; I may try something like that. I'm okay with doing all the work.

    Grace: That's exactly it, in a nutshell. Feeling judged even when I knew it wasn't what he meant to convey just wouldn't get out of my head. I attempted to withdraw but he wouldn't let me. Our conversation afterward pretty much straightened us both out, but the hurt feelings wouldn't go away. I think we're good now.

  5. I know exactly how you feel. This is a thing that happens with me and Wonderboy from time to time too. Duality and Grace both had excellent advice and condolences. I think age play is what we end up doing, when I'm hurt too or when we need to pace down - usually on my regard - even though I've never thought about it before.

    If Wonderboy isn't up for it, nothing happens. There is no pacing down. This makes me resentful, because I always try to create a atmosphere where something might happen even, if I'm not quite up to *it*. This is what I'm trying to handle right now, because he's sick and I was just sick and I have too good a reference now.

    I think what it all boils down to is that I want more sex than he does. I also need it more. And I need certain kinds of things, stimuli probably, that doesn't come to him naturally. Not all of it anyway. Also, our se life, and yours I'd gather, puts a great deal of pressure on the PIC (person in control). It's much easier to be sick and tired while subbing as an innocent school girl. A lot harder as the abusive stepfather... ;)

  6. Also, now that I got this commenting working, I love the way you write. Beautiful. I can feel your pain. And it's a good thing! I cried a little with the hurt bit, because I've been there so many times. And it is true, in a sense. It shouldn't be so hard for him. It should only be pleasurable. It hurts that it's not.

    Your husband seems wonderful, though, from how you write about your experiences. Also a little envious of what many thing he can do to you. ;) I guess we subs *are* insatiable and greedy.

  7. I understand your feelings being hurt, but there's no reason to feel worthless. You have a stronger sex drive than he does. Most couples have one partner with a stronger sex drive than the other. Think of it as like food. Just because he might not want his favorite food twice a day every day doesn't make his favorite food worthless. He still loves to eat his favorite food!:)

  8. pasthurt: I'm so glad you are able to comment, and thank you for the lovely compliment! My husband is wonderful, indeed. I too try to create an environment where sex can happen regardless of my health - because sex makes everything better (for a little while anyway). It is harder to be the top, and my head knows this.

    I understand the little bit of jealousy, but it has taken quite some time and conversation for us to get here. You and Wonderboy seem to love each other enough and be open enough that you'll get there too.

    t1klish: It's the grimace that stuck in my head, that slight facial expression change that generated the feelings of worthlessness. My heart goes on strange rollercoasters when I open myself up like that. It's a good analogy you've got there though.


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