Tuesday, October 4, 2011


I had a little bit of an epiphany the other day, caused by mental stirrings due to several exchanges I have seen going on.

Submission has always been a part of me. That's not to say that I was mild-mannered or retiring or particularly servile as a child, but certain situations would stir this strange feeling in the pit of my stomach and I liked it. A scene in a widely-read, much-loved children's novel made me tingle so much that I dog-eared that part and read it over and over, in bed at night.

Another book had a passing reference to "What if they all wanted to bite your butt?" and that sent tingles across my entire back as well.

I read a lot - a whole lot - of romance novels. A post on npr's pop culture blog mentioned learning a lot from romance novels. Not a case of learning about romance in general, but a case of  learning about your romance, "that made me extra excited, maybe I should try that sometime." I certainly know exactly what that is like; romance novels are where I learned about myself.

The historical romances I was drawn toward involved a lot of pirates, rape, and dastardly seemingly normal men  forcing their previously courted, clearly misled new wives to do horrible things against their wishes. That was their right within the law of the land. Until the dastardly man would of course meet an untimely end and then the True Hero could swoop in. Or something of that nature. While I loved the romance of the True Hero stuff -  the girl-clasped-to-chest while their hearts beat together in a timeless rhythm of love and his lips claiming hers in a searing kiss that consumed both their souls* - the sex parts just didn't push my buttons the way the dastardly men's uncouth actions, kicking, slapping, beating, hair-pulling, and insults did. It was okay, it was sometimes hot, but very rarely did it push those same tingle-buttons.

*I love the Princess Bride, what can I say.

I couldn't make these things mesh, my love of romance and my arousal by the darker side. I spent years and years thinking I was a horrible person for being turned on by these things. I didn't tell anyone anything, but I had the books with the best bits under my bed for late-night masturbation sessions. Finally the Internet rescued me from my turmoil. I found friends who, despite not being lifestyle related, shared some of the same urgings I did. I found my own community of geeks who loved a good double entendre as much as I loved making them. I found literotica, and finally, my best friend and sweet lover and deliciously wicked tormentor, a man from my geek community who was so open-minded and accepting that I could actually share my needs with him. I was not a Bad Person.

The epiphany was this: People are who they are.

Yeah, right, brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy. Isn't that how the saying goes?

People can discover these things later in life than I did, yes, absolutely they can. But you can't remove the inclination, or make it exist. It's either there, or it's not.

"But but, first I didn't like X, and now I love X because I've been trained to.."

But... being made to love something you didn't like is a thing itself. It's an inclination. You wouldn't open yourself up for it in the first place if it wasn't.

People are who they are.

I have gay friends. I know they are gay. They don't know I am kinky. I couldn't fathom telling anyone in my real life, even those already outside the "norm." The thing about being gay, is that it's pretty much impossible to both hide it and be happy. It's also difficult for many to not hide it and be happy, due to whatever legal strictures may exist. I'm definitely for gay marriage. People should not be prevented from marrying the people they love.

I can hide my kink, not offend anyone, and be on my merry way because I am a heterosexual, happily married, monogamous woman. That only means there are certain conversations I can't touch, lest I be gazed upon with horror. I won't lie; I just don't say anything at all rather than participate in a conversation about some aspect of sex or relationships in which my opinion will garner me nothing but stares and whispered tut-tuts. I mean, if you don't like something, heaven forbid you actually tell him. If you want him to do something more often, God knows lighting will strike you down and ruin your perfect manicure if you ask him. Sometimes I swear vanilla people come from a different planet where people in relationships aren't allowed to talk to each other. How did they get in the relationship in the first place? Clearly some communication must have gone on? Did they negotiate their way into a many-year marriage via headgames and doubletalk? Maybe there was a genie involved.

So I just keep my mouth shut.

I am who I am. I can't change it. None of us can. We can suppress, or pretend, or ignore, and sometimes that's what we need to do when that thing that we are is dangerous to ourselves or to others. Some particular people are Bad People, and this post is not meant to absolve or excuse that sort of behavior. Some people need a lot of therapy to get past a bad place, or they hurt others in unacceptable ways (which is any way at all that the others did not knowingly consent to), and that is not cool or groovy or anything I condone or accept.

It's to my advantage that who I happen to be can at least have the appearance of fitting into a mold of acceptability. The threads of submission are woven into my soul, along with the romantic threads, the voracious reader threads, the geek threads, and so on. I figure all souls have their own threads, and once made aware of their existence, none of  them can be separated from the rest of the person without that person feeling incomplete. I know I feel most complete and happy within myself when I am owned, used, cherished. We can all only hope for love and acceptance. I have it, and I give it back, and I am full of gratitude for it.


  1. I can't but wonder now how I missed all those pirate rape romance novels. All the romance books I've read are exactly alike. Attractive, adventurous, experienced man meets virgin, falls madly in love with her at first site, they overcome some obstacles, then rather wild adventurous man becomes the opposite of everything that made him attractive, decides he wants nothing more than to settle down behind a picket fence with virgin. They have romantic sex that results in pregnancy. The End. BORING.

    Wish I'd read your pirate ones instead.

  2. If you're still interested, the piratey ones were the Captive series by Fern Michaels. Except for one of the books that wasn't in any way part of the series, and didn't really follow the same dastardly man formula. I still am not sure what's up with that.

    Thanks for reading!

  3. An extremely astute and observant post.

    One wonders what happens when people actively deny what they are; does a piece of the soul die a little every day? Does the mind become broken and the body wither?

    You are so right; the threads of what we are are woven into our souls, and trying to remove or deny them never ends well.

    It's unfortunate that society's puritanical double-standards make acceptance so difficult for so many.

  4. "We are who we are. We can't change it." Amen to that, Conina! :) And, knowing what we know about ourselves, I doubt that any of us would change a thing...

    I do agree, though, that it's difficult not being able to discuss/mention TTWD with any of my friends or family. It's a small price to pay for being able to be honest with myself and not lose my soul...

    P.S. Last night I wrote a post that mentioned The Princess Bride too! I'll post it tonight and you can let me know what you think!! :)

  5. I'm in a relationship with a man who wants me to be his sex slave, and the dynamic appeals to me in my fantasies, but doesn't particularly work in reality. So far he just seems to want sex, which is good, since I'm totally not into pain, even though when I was a kid I got that odd pleasant tummy feeling that you described when I read certain things. But I find that what turns one on in one's imagination doesn't necessarily do a thing for one in reality. There's no real pain in fantasy. And no consequences.

  6. pepper: a bit of the soul dies, but not every day..it's like choking off a blood vessel. You don't notice until your arm goes numb.

    Baby Girl: I look forward to reading it! Definitely a small price to pay to keep our souls intact.

    t1klish: I never thought I wanted pain either. I still don't want it to the degree many women do, and if anal hurts then something is really bloody wrong and has to be fixed RIGHT NOW, but my man isn't a sadist, so that may have something to do with it. Sex slave takes on so many different meanings depending on the person who's asking for it. Just go with what gets you both off!

  7. Yes, sex slave does appear to take on different meanings. When this whole thing started with him I assumed sex slave meant I do whatever he tells me to do during sex, sexual things. But then I found a lot of blogs and sites that are telling me sex slave means eating out of a dog bowl and being tied up and tortured, which is not something that ever crossed my mind or that I'd ever consider letting be done to me, so . . . I'm actually ok with the SEX slave part, as long as that's all he wants, and so far it is.

    BUT he seems to want this without a conversation, which is a problem for me, since, well, in my fantasy life there isn't any birth control and safe sex, but in reality there has to be, so that sets some limitations that he would rather not have. And aside from those issues, I'd really like to be able to communicate to this man what turns me on and what turns me off so I can actually enjoy this a little, beyond the enjoyment I get out of giving him pleasure, which is a lot.

    So because he doesn't want to do a real conversation where we can lay everything out there, I end up bringing up one item at a time over a period of months, and I can tell he's not thrilled that I bring up these things, but it needs to be done.

    And I get the impression part of the reason he doesn't want to talk about all this is he doesn't want it to ruin the vibe of his dominance, but all the more reason it would have been better to lay it all out at the beginning. That way there would be one big conversation, and we wouldn't have to talk about it anymore and ruin the mood.

    My situation is very frustrating. Sorry this went so long.

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  9. I couldn't agree with you more, Conina - excellent advice! Any potential Master who doesn't take your safety or concerns into consideration, may not be the best choice, t1cklish. I can by no means tell you what to do or how to do it, that's just my take on it! :)

  10. Conina, I will email you because I really feel a need to find someone to talk to about this stuff.

    Baby Girl, I think he does take my safety into consideration (to protect himself not necessarily me), but he doesn't care about my concerns. He tells me to trust him not to do anything stupid. Problem is, men can have the best intentions, for example, with the "withdrawal method" but it still often fails, and I'm not willing to take any chances, so he can't just do whatever he wants whenever he wants, which is how he would like it to be. So would I. But sadly I live in a world where reproduction and germs exist and I have to protect myself.

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  12. maui girl: I actually had your situation in mind when I wrote that sentence. To clarify what I mean, your husband has an inclination, now that he has some knowledge, it's just not a very strong one. But there are people who react on an opposite kind of repugnant scale, and I'm not sure anything can be done about them. They are who they are, and the concept of TTWD grates against the fiber of their beings.

  13. This post says it all! I have been struggling with this a lot since I decided to give this lifestyle a try. I have talked and revealed more of myself with the man I have been with for 4 months than with the guy I dated for 3 years. Finally deciding to open myself up and express my sexual needs has been a true eye opener. Sex isn't everything, but damn it if you aren't satisfied there it bleeds into the rest of the relationship and starts to rot it from within. It is so nice to be able to have someone who is actually willing to listen to what I like as well.


Thank you for reading. I hope you'll let me know you were here - I like friends!